Finding You

Chapter 41 - Edge of the Ocean

"Oh, we can begin again
Shed our skin, let the sunshine in.
At the edge of the ocean,
We can start over again."
- Ivy

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This whole week has been like a dream.

Not only am I on summer vacation, staying in an amazing beach house with my closest friends, and having the time of my life. I'm also spending more and more time with a boy who I'm now pretty sure I've fallen in love with all over again.

Not that I ever really fell out of love with him in the first place.

For the past few days, Hunter's been putting all of his energy into convincing me that he's worth trusting, and let me tell you, when Hunter Scott puts his mind to something, not much can stand in his way.

Whether it's something small like making sure to buy sugar cookies as well as chocolate chip when the guys go on their daily snack runs, or something big like waking me up in the middle of the night to go stargazing, every day he finds new ways to show me that he cares.

On top of that, he keeps finding little ways to touch me. Nothing overt, just little things here and there. When I hand him something, he'll let his fingers brush and linger against mine. When he passes me in the kitchen, he'll place a hand against the small of my back and lean in close as he walks by. When we sit on the couch, he'll let his leg just barely rest against mine.

Every minute that we're near each other is filled with so much barely restrained attraction, I don't know what to do with myself. It's winding me up in all kinds of ways, and I think he knows it. I'm telling you, the man isn't playing fair. Still, I'm enjoying it, this little routine we've fallen into with each other.

More than that though, it's been great just being able to spend time with him again. I knew that I missed him over these last three weeks, but I guess I never truly realized just how much until now.

The thing about Hunter is that he was never just my boyfriend. He was my best friend. For the past few weeks, I didn't just miss dating him. I missed talking with him. I missed laughing with him. I missed sharing my life with him.

And I was okay, you know? Living like that, living without this person who had become such a huge part of my world. The steps would have been slow and labored, but I could have moved on, I know that. I know that eventually, I could have been fine. But living like that would have been like living life holding my breath, and being around him again is like that first gasp of fresh air.

Call me crazy, but I still love him. If at all possible, even more now than I did before.

So now, there's only one thing standing in our way, and that's trust.

It's not that I think he doesn't love me. I know that he does. And I don't think he would lie to me again. Not after what happened last time.

But would it be stupid to take him back? I'm not the girl that I used to be. I'm not desperate or scared. I don't need a guy to prove to myself that I'm worth something.

But I know myself better now. I'm aware of my weaknesses and my patterns. I'm aware of my tendency to cling to someone when I'm feeling vulnerable.

I just don't know how to make sure I'm clinging to Hunter for the right reasons.

And as we walk side by side down the beach and the sun slowly sets on the horizon, that's the only question on my mind.

Tonight, Hunter and I decided to go out, just the two of us. Most of our time here so far has been spent in a group, and I'm grateful for that, grateful that he didn't try to push me to be alone with him before I was ready. Now though, I'm glad that we're getting some time to just be us, to see what that looks like after everything.