Undoing Us - KNJ

20| Walk away

The moment Namjoon opens the door, he engulfs me in a big warm hug. His smell provides me the comfort I've been craving in the last two days. I have missed him so much, there were times when I wanted to see him or speak to him but I refrained because I still needed to sort out my feelings for him. 

That's the least I can do for him.

He finally pulls away "I missed you," he says as he finally invites me inside his apartment. Sitting ourselves down on his couch, he looks at me, "Where have you been?" he asks, eyebrows furrowed. 

"Spending time with myself," I reply. He reads my face before he asks "Doing what exactly?"

"Thinking..."I bite my lip as Namjoon raises his brow at me. "Everything...my feelings for Seojoon, life, you" his body tenses the moment he hears that I've been thinking about him. Nonetheless, he nods for me to continue.

"This time apart actually helped me understand a lot about my relationships, it was much needed" I pause, biting the inside of my cheek anxiously before I gather my courage and continue, "I am sorry for being a confused jerk to you...constantly coming to you for comfort but then doing the exact opposite of—"

"That's alright" he cuts me off, "you have been with him for the past nine years, it is quite normal for anyone to be scared, confused," he exhales, "who wants to give up on something, they spent years working on, it's quite natural for you to be torn about your relationship before you choose to take any big step" he smiles, showing his cute dimples that I have come to love.

I have missed those dimples. They were missing for the past few days, because of my fuck up.

Taking a deep breath, I continue, "Thank you for being so understanding and supportive of me" I place my palms over his hands "and I would understand if you would want to maintain your distance from me...to protect yourself," I mutter looking down in embarrassment. 

He won't say it, because he cares for me, but I know that I have been somewhere disregarding his feelings, with my constant back and forth and he deserves better. Someone who would love him unconditionally, someone who doesn't have the baggage of her own, and someone who he deserves.

For he is such a precious person and he deserves all the good things in the world.

"I would never—" he voice cracks, "—even if I wanted to, I couldn't Y/N, because I love you. I would rather stay by your side and support you than push you away and watch you suffer alone, just to protect myself" he explains, "that's not love". 

My heart swells, I do not deserve this man. Men like him don't exist, he is so rare. A tear rolls down my eyes, his palm automatically swipes the tear-off of my face. I look at him in adoration and finally tell him about my decision, "I have decided to divorce his ass" Namjoon's eyes widen in shock.

"Really?"

"Yes...I couldn't leave him before because I was constantly thinking that I spent 9 years working on this relationship and I should not just give up because it's becoming harder after all relationships require hard work" I smile as I quote him while he sniggers.

"I am happy for you."

"I am happy for myself!" I exclaim, "This whole experience was an eye-opener for me, it made me realize my worth and I believe I deserve better." Namjoon places his palms on either side of my face, "you do..." he returns, eyes boring into mine. 

My heart screams internally, how I wish it was him, who I fell for in the first place, it was him I was married to, it was him who was the love of my life because I knew he would have been as devoted as I am, and he would have kept me happy.