Through My Eyes.

letter to dad.

I don't hate you.
Not really...
I don't blame you,
For the things that I have seen..
Or the demons in my head taunting me.
I don't call like I want to..
I simply don't know how to face you...
This isn't about pride..
It's not I promise..
This is about the years of secrets
And lies I've kept from you..
It's about
the guilt I feel every time I think of you..
The guilt I know you'll feel if you know the truth...
You've always been the shield
My safe house..
My guide..
I know what you think...
I always have..
But let me tell you this...
I slept all the time because I got four hours of sleep a night at home..
I didn't speak up or socialize
Because I was yelled at and told
To shut up
I'm wrong..
I'm too young to know what I'm talking about...
I wasn't distancing because I hated you..
I did it because he would have tricked me into hating you.
He got in my head told me
I was a burden
It was my fault...
But like I said you didn't know the truth.
So you haven't failed me...
I don't call like I want...
Because I knew that day
That the choice I made was wrong..
But please believe me when I say
I had my reasons...
I'll tell you a secret though
I always wished I could've chosen different.
So many times I wanted to call..
The day I chose the wrong parent... led me down the path I'm on...
I don't regret it not one moment except that one.
Because I knew I hurt you..
So no I don't blame you.
Not even a little.
No even at all.
You made the choice you did, because you loved me so
But guess what,
I always knew you were close.
One phone call
One word..
And I'd never return
But this is my life now and there's no Rewinds Or returns
So hear me when I say this
Please listen close because
I loved you more than you know
You were and are
My shield
My guide
My safehouse
The place I go when the world is too hard
When I need to rest and recharge.
Because you've saved me from myself
more times than I can count
So to end I will say
I'm sorry...
I chose wrong...
I love you dad....