For Grisha, for Ravka (a Darkling prequel)

Chapter 12

The pain was unbearable.
But somehow she survived.
The King had fallen on his knees when he saw his brilliant young General dead on the floor, Alyssa still holding him and crying over him.
The funeral had been quickly, like for anyone else, like for General Rostov.
Alyssa had already wasted all her tears when she saw the lifeless body, the body that had made her so happy, being placed into a tomb and a heavy stone was placed to seal it forever.
She had wished to be buried alive with him.
She deserved one of her worst nightmares as a punishment for what she did.
The emissary had avoided to comment and stood apart, wearing a fake sorrowful face.
The servants who had been present at the table couldn't confess anything but their innocence. Yet, they were all executed on the next morning.
Nobody dared to accuse Alyssa.
That was why she was chosen for that dirty job.

Alyssa feared to go back to her apartment, but she didn't feel saw in any other room of the castle.
When she was about to collapse, the princess persuaded her to stay in her royal room and watched over her.
Alyssa woke up and the nightmare didn't vanish.
Only Aleksander was gone.
At least he couldn't suffer anymore.
While she was destined to suffer until her last breath.

Meira spoke to her, but nothing could comfort her.
"I remember the first time I met you" eventually she said.
Alyssa stiffened. She hated when the princess used that tone, to evoke ghosts from the past.
"You didn't say a word for weeks, looking so inconsolable, broken. I already lost hope on you, thinking that Father just brought home a boring new companion. Then one day you disappeared. Nobody could find you and Father was just so pissed. The guards found you downtown, amongst the poor. When I persuaded Father to see you, you were helping them with houseworks. You had a new light in your eyes and the first thing you say to me was... "I found a new purpose for my life. There are people needing help. And helping them gives me a reason to survive".
Alyssa stood still, slightly ashamed of that memory. She could picture herself desperate, so weak and helpless.
She had fled the palace to seek a way to end her sorrow, choked by an existence that didn't feel right anymore.
Instead she had felt somehow free. Free of titles, of duties.
And finding those people, poor peasants, who would need a pair of hands to wash the laundry, was her salvation.
She had resurrected that day.
Meira squeezed her cold hands "You are inspiring, Alyssa. I want to help my people too. I will do anything to save Ravka. And I'll try to be as strong as I've always seen you be".
Alyssa just nodded.
It was useless to advice the princess, who was leaving soon to reach East Ravka.
"Maybe this is a sign from destiny. You can come with me" Meira suggested, hope shining in her eyes.
Alyssa refused the offer.
Her only possible route was southward.
"You stayed here at the palace to recover from your loss in Os Kervo. Now you can't stay in this palace anymore. Where do you go now?" Meira asked anguished.
"My people needs me" Alyssa murmured.
Media hugged her "As you always said, the people we love never truly leave us. They survive in our memories and in our hearts. You won't forget Kiril, so somehow he will always be with you".
Alyssa didn't return the hug and breathed only when she stepped away from any human warmth.
"Aleksander" she said, hating how his name sounded blasphemous on her own lips "He had a King's name".
She recalled how at first she and Meira were used to speculate about his real origins, how she had bet he was some secret prince.
Aleksander was no prince, but Alyssa made him general. And she regretted it.
She hadn't imagined that the price was his life.

After saying goodbye to the princess, Alyssa felt forced to face her empty apartment.
The emissary had warned her that she would ride with him back to Os Kervo and see her people safe.
"You're not alone" the shameless man had hissed to her like a snake "My king can welcome you in our court. Why serving here when you can be a queen in my country?".
Alyssa had run away from those poisonous words, emptying her acid stomach in the attempt to get rid of all those poisonous words that kept raping her mind.