For Grisha, for Ravka (a Darkling prequel)

Chapter 15

Alyssa stared at her reflection on the mirror.
Her beauty seemed sucked away by her sorrow.
Dark spots pooled under her empty eyes, her skin looked sick.
She barely recognized herself.
She watched her blonde hair for one last time, then used her mother's tricks to dye them dark.
Dark like the darkness she was drowning into.

"Saints" was the only comment Jase said aloud, when later he entered her tent bringing some food for lunch.
Outside, the soldiers entertained themselves with merry songs, as if they were on an enjoyable trip and not marching towards a new war.

After getting the blessing from the King, Alyssa left the capital without looking back, without caring of the troubled glances that the soldiers shot at her. It wasn't the only time that she was the only woman amongst male warriors, but now she wore a blank, yet deadly stare that made upset everyone around her. And it wasn't comparable to the fierceness she showed when practicing with any sort of weapons.
It was only positive if an angry woman could motivate soldiers to work harder and be ready for whatever was awaiting for them.

Soon Alyssa lost count of the days of their journeys.
They marched passed cities, villages, fields and forest, having the dark wall on the horizon to orientate themselves.
Nights in the cold open air were scary. But nothing was comparable to the fear that Darius and his men learned of their arrival.

"There's not much we can do to be invisible. Not even a Grisha could shadow us from spying eyes" Ronan said sternly, taking a bite to his piece of meat in front of the large fire that warmed the camp.
Jase disapproved how they exposed themselves.
"You can ask them to stop singing and be silent" Ronan teased, nodding to the noisy soldiers who were cooking the meat they had hunted in the woods for the whole day "And yet it won't be enough to hide us. Not to mention you would lead an unhappy army".
"I'm glad you thought of splitting our army into smaller units" Alyssa intervened "I just hope they are faring well, wherever they are located now".
Ronan nodded faintly "I know it's harder to communicate with all of them. And you questioned the loyalty of the captains I chose to lead them. But this is our best option".
She just sighed. She barely knew what was right or wrong.
All that matter was her target.

Her silence was so heavy that Ronan dismissed himself to move and sit next to a merrier company.
Jase, instead, moved closer to her, almost trying to shield her from the cold breeze of the evening.
"Do you want something more?" he asked nodding to the newly cooked meat.
She tossed the small bones of her meal into the fire "No. I'm going to sleep".
Jase jumped up to escort her to her tent "Don't let yourself starving. I hear your stomach protesting. You need to be very strong if you want to succeed in your mission".
She scowled at him, then lifted her hand and threw a small knife that stabbed the soft wall behind the young man "I know what I need. Goodnight".
Jase stiffened, but was used to that new habit of her. He took the knife and placed it gently on a stool.
He just lowered his head and didn't follow the dismissal.
She unrolled her blanket and when his presence was getting annoying, she turned with a questioning look.
"I recognize the armor you are wearing" he said nervously "I've been through that. But all that anger, that hopelessness was just poisoning myself".
Alyssa held her hard gaze on him. Surely he didn't realize how bad his words sounded to her.
But maybe that was what she deserved.
"Maybe I want to poison myself" she admitted softly.
Jase stepped closer, like reaching a hand to help her from her falling into the dark void.
"Maybe you can't see what you truly want and what you are imposing to yourself" he hesitated, but he was like choking on the words he needed to say, so he pushed the words out "We are two lost souls. Maybe together we can find some consolation".
Alyssa almost dropped her jaw at the unexpected allusion. But she didn't want to hurt him to reject him. So she breathed deeply and said with the kindest tone she could muster "You're a good friend, Jase. But nothing more".
He nodded quickly "I understand. I didn't mean to be together in that way".
A small smile of gratitude appeared on her face, although she found the situation too awkward.
She looked around under her eyes rested on the flame of a candle.
She didn't know why she spoke, but it had been since her awful meeting with Aleksander's mother that she wished to tell about it to anyone.
"You know, I always keep a lit candle next to my bed, as I was used to do when my husband laid next to me, to try to keep our nightmares away. But now when I wake up the candle is always blown off and the stick isn't consumed. I tried to keep an eye on when that would happen, but I don't understand why".
She took her knife again and stabbed the candle.
Jase winced, relaxing only when he was sure that the flame was dead before it could damage the tent.
"It can be explained in many ways".
"Yes" she sighed and took another candle, lighting it, ignoring how his eyes followed her slow gestures "But what I feel is that he doesn't forgive me. I'd prefer to see him as a ghost, haunting me until I'd lose my mind. Instead I fear of forgetting also how he looked like".
She gritted her teeth to prevent tears from fill her eyes. Still speaking those words aloud were more painful than she expected.
"You did nothing wrong. He wouldn't blame you. Maybe it's just his way to tell you that he's your guardian angel now" he said softly, trying to comfort her.
She saw his hand trying to reach for hers curled into fists, but before he could touch her, someone bolted into the tent.
Both of them straitened their backs and armed themselves.
But it was just one of their soldiers.
Jase glared at him, then noticed his shocked face "What happened?".
The soldier moved his mouth, like unable to speak, then gave up and just said "You have to come and see yourself".