did i imagine it?

chapter one / blacked out

Zz
tell me all the ways to stay away

Im getting in the bus. I'm trying not to think. Its hard. I know i failed once again. Facing fears is awful. Failure scares me the most. It always had. But now that i think about it, I'm scared of disappointing people. My failure ends up hurting other people more that it hurts me. But this time im not doing something better. Actually i am getting worse at it. I used to face my failures . But now, im just doing what my dad always does. I'm leaving everything behind. Now i understand, i don't blame my father at all. Leaving everything behind is actually the best decision I've ever took. That's how i ended up here. Right now im in some bus in Seoul, thinking where should i go. I left USA. I didn't want to see the disappointed faces people would have given to me, after not passing the exam for Havard. Now that i think of it. I never wanted to go to Havard at all. It was all my mum. But i should have made them proud. How do i manage to fail everytime? Everybody made it. And im here twenty years old. Trying for the second time to make it into Havard but i failed. What should i do next? I really don't know.

I really want to cry.

Before even realising it , my eyes are fulled with water, but no tear has came out yet. I'm biting my lips, so i wont start crying.
Im taking my sandwich out and i stare at it. I should eat. I dont feel hungry at all.I take a bite and im crying.
I should be embarrassed. I'm crying at a bus with people around me. But i dont care. I need to cry.
I have no Appetit anymore so im putting my sandwich back to my backpack. I'm staring out the window.

„You know pretty girls shouldn't cry", says a old voice.
I lift my head and an old lady is staring at me. I dont know her. She is smiling at me. She probably feels bad.
„Is everything alright?", she asks now.
„No", i answer.
"Can i hug you?", she asks me.

All i need right now is a hug. My parents never showed me loved. They never hugged me, they were never to my side everytime i cried. So im used to keeping feelings for myself. But now im in a Bus, and an old lady is asking me to hug me. Is this a scam?
I dont know. All i know, is that all i need right now is a hug.
I nod my head and she hugs me. I'm not crying anymore.
„You know i always wished i had a granddaughter", she says and she now pets my head.
„I always wished my grandmother would have shown me the love you just showed my right now", i answer.
That's true. My grandparents are just like my parents. That's why my parents are like this. Because they grew up like that. So im not blaming them. Maybe i should start blaming people. I dont know.

Izuku

"The bus is always so full", says my grandmama,
„I know, and it is so hot in here", thats true, im sweating.
Im looking at the people and i see a girl eating a sandwich. She has her headphones on and a mask. Our eyes meet. That's her. But what is she doing here? She starts crying. I'm only wondering why.
„Oh no", says my grandmama
„What?", im asking even tho i know what she is probably talking about.
She stands up and goes to that girl.
My grandmother has always been nice. Her heart has place for everyone. But i wish she wouldn't go to her.
Why is Asahi here.

Asahi

Im now in  my old house. It is so dark here. I walk to my  brothers room and i sit in his bed. I wish it would smell like him. This house doesnt feel like home at all. It feels like an apartment full of empty rooms, still full of memories.  My brother had a pretty simple room, he liked simple stuff. Or at least thats what we all thought. I open his drawers one by one. I  know what i am going to see in here but that doesnt stop me from searching. And here it is. The gun and  the letter. Thats what he left behind. Im now holding the gun. For a minute im thinking of putting it in front of my head. Just to feel what my brother felt. And boom,

i died.

Note: Listen to the songs.

thanks