did i imagine it?

chapter eight / dying on the inside

What if I di dn't do this to my body?

What if I quit and then you don't want me

tw: ED

im ordering food

i should eat something i guess

one of the many reasons why i left Izuku is my body dysmorphia

i ve always felt disgusting

that my body is disgusting 

i still feel that way

i just dont show it

i am not happy with my body image

and i wasnt when i was dating Izuku

that was the first problem i guess

you cant love somebody else , if you dont love yourself.

he never noticed

i was the girl that everybody thought, she was comfortable with who she was

but i never was

i always

always

hated my body

i felt like i was way too skinny

my legs were really skinny

no matter how much i ate, it never got better

and i am still trying

im sitting myself down

i try to feel up my stomach

i eat and eat and eat

and i am doing well for some days

but then

i wont eat anything for days

so its all for nothing

Izuku always said he didn't care about how my body looked

i know he was lying

lying so he wont make me feel bad

or insecure

but i was and am aleady insecure

and nothing will ever stop that

i used to think that starting with gym would be a nice option

i thought

if i dont like my body then ill fix it

after i started with gym nothing got better

every single time i was getting tired 

i would think

"why do i have to suffer like this?"

i would think that it was just unfair

i just couldnt explain it

i cant explain the way i feel

i cant explain why i dislike my body

i just do

for diffferent reasons 

and i hope one day ill stop

that i will accept myself the way i am

that i will be able to wear whatever i want without thinking that these clothes arent made for me

at the end of the day

its all about the mindset

maybe i am the one that views my body like that?

maybe it is like that but nobody gives a fuck

but thats actually not true

people care about your body image

believe me 

they care so so so much

i used to say that the fact that i hate my body never affected me in any way

or never traumatised me

until that one day at the lake 

i went swimming

and i was walking 

with my bikini

i heard people laughing

i thought it was because of me

because of how ridiculous my body looked

i thought that they were thinking "i never thought she was that skinny"

"thats why she never wears tight clothes"

i was hearing people laughing

and then i realised

that i shouldnt go out with that body

it annoyed people

it maybe made their day worse

i mean

everytime i see my body at the mirror my day is getting ruined

thats how people felt too

im looking at the things i ordered

a big burger with some french fries and cola

zero

as if it makes any difference

should i eat?

will that make me feel less skinnier?

will that make me happer?

i will eat

so so so much

until i wont feel my stomach

but thats what i always do

and then 

i wont eat for days

maybe i shouldnt eat 

maybe i should just go home

a meal wont change anything anyways

i dont know how longer i can keep this down