Spirals || Mattheo Riddle

Chapter 36 ~ Incapable

Mattheos POV ~

 It wasn't a coincidence that we 'ran into each other'. 

I had been waiting for her around that corner. The cold had made her cheeks and nose a bright red colour and she was bundled up in warm clothing, making her look adorable.

My heart had leaped in my chest when she agreed, no matter what sour look that idiot had on his face as he tried to pull her away. No one else was allowed to touch her but me.

I had gone straight back to my dorm, sitting on my bed and staring at the ceiling until it was time to leave. 

I had no idea how to fix this. It hurt so badly, every time she flinched or moved away from me. 

I knew she didn't believe me when I said I was sorry. Her face said it all.

How could I fix it?

My eyes flicked back to clock on the wall, like they had every fifteen seconds since I lay down. 

They say lifes choices are always a fork in the road. There is always more than one, but they don't tell you that sometimes, every possible choice is a bad one. Sometimes there was no good.

Contrary to the children's books and movies and stories we are told, evil can persevere. The light can be entirely blocked out and leave you in a dark box of your own creation.

If I was religious, I would say this was gods punishment for every bad thing I've done in my life. But if god existed, why has he never helped me? Or understood that the bad things I've done have never once been my choice. 

So many forks in the road, and so little choices. 

I was given one good thing. And I was going to fight for it.

No one would make my choices for me, no one would stop me. 

I was an evil person maybe, but she was good, and if I could save her, would that not mean something for me? Could this not be my retribution? 

If I was a sinner, then she was my saint. 

And if I was selfish to love her, then I am the most selfish person alive.

Thoughts are a plague to the mind, they cause our insecurities and hopes and love and hate. And I was stuck in a spiral of them.

When it hit ten to ten, I got up and stalked out of the room, not even bothering to lock my door behind me.

God I hoped she could forgive me.

She was already there sitting against the wall after I made it up all 46 steps, a joint between her lips like always when I saw her here. There was something nostalgic about that, reminding me of a time before I fucked everything up. It made me smile.

She didn't say anything when I walked towards her, she just held out the joint to me. 

I took it, surprised she would even offer it to me.

Her stuff was good, it was smooth as I pulled it into my lungs. I took a big hit and handed it back to her. 

The rims of her eyes were red, meaning she had either been crying or this wasn't her first joint. Probably the latter.

"What did you want to talk about," she asked with a steady voice. It was clear she didn't want to be here, but I also wondered why she had agreed.

I sat down next to her, making sure to be a small distance away to avoid her being uncomfortable.

"I really didn't mean any of it," I said honestly. Saying those words to her was one of the worst things I've done in my life. It would have been second to killing her father, if I had succeeded.