retrospect

retrospect #7

JUSTIN'S P.O.V

i followed paulo as we made our way to stell's hospital room. i held on the doorknob and prepared to open the door but before i could even twist it, paulo stopped me. i looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

"what's wrong?"

"i need to talk to you first, justin."

i wanted to protest but the sound of paulo's voice was too serious which made be oblige to him and sit down on the bench.

"uhm... stell's asleep right now."

"huh? akala ko gising na siya?"

paulo sighed. "yeah, he woke up earlier.. but the doctors had to put him to sleep once again-"

i suddenly felt my blood boil.
"what?! why would they do that? kakagising lang ni stell tapos-"

"shh, jah, jah... calm down..." paulo said, gesturing his hands infront of me to calm me down. he breathed deep, holding my hands tight.

i felt my chest ache. it made me feel so nervous and i still don't have any idea why. "what happened, pau?" i asked.

"the doctor wanted to tell you this but i insisted na ako nalang magsasabi sa'yo kasi i know how you would react..." he paused, gently caressing my hand with his thumb like how stell would always comfort me.

"remember what she said nung gabi ng aksidente ni stell? that stell developed a hemorrhage that might lead to neurological problems?"

i nodded hesitantly. tears are now starting to form in my eyes as i slowly understand the situation. "y-yes.. ang sabi niya... it could cause problems in speaking... or... or sa m-memory.. ni stell."

paulo sniffed. he's crying as well. he held my hands tighter, looking straight in my eyes.

"jah.... stell was panicking earlier when he woke up kaya siya pinatulog ulit nung doctors. he uhm..." paulo stopped, licking his lips and looking down.

"it's okay, pau. just say it." i said in almost a whisper as a tear strolled down to my cheek.

"s-stell has a retrograde amnesia... he forgot everything.... even his own identity, his friends... and you, jah..."

i exhaled deeply the breath that i didn't know i was holding in.

stell doesn't remember me... how am i even gonna be able to take that...

i placed my forehead on pau's shoulder and cried. my shoulders shook and pau gently rubs my back to comfort me. i couldn't utter any word anymore. all i know is that it hurts... its hurts so fucking much.
moments later, we heard the door open and josh and ken came out of the room. josh knelt down beside me and gently tapped my shoulder, making me sniffle before looking at him.

"he's awake, jah."

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JUSTIN'S P.O.V

as i entered the room, i held my breath, anticipating whatever's going to happen. but it was too quiet. only the sound of the aircon can be heard.

when i completely entered the room, i was greeted by the sight of my fiancé sitting on his bed while staring at the window. when i closed the door, he gently turned his head towards me, making me fall completely frozen on my spot.

i wanted to hug him so bad... tell him how much i miss him... how much i love him... but he wouldn't even understand. because he can't remember me. my stell can't remember me.

i stared back at his eyes and they were so blank. like he never felt anything for me... at all. like i was a nobody in his life. like i didn't matter to him.

i walked slowly towards his bed, holding tight on my bag. i stopped by the end of the bed and stell tilted his head to the side, his eyes scanning me from head to toe.

"you're... justin, aren't you?" he asked, making my heart leap.

he knows me????

"uh.. they told me someone named justin will be visiting me.."

oh...

i nodded and smiled. it was a genuine one.

"masaya akong gising ka na, tu- i mean, stell." i stepped closer to him, holding out my hand.

"i'm justin, by the way." i noticed how stell stared at my hand for a long time and hesitated if he should take it or not. i quickly took it back and chuckled.

"it's fine. ayokong pilitin kang maalala ako agad. just... take your time, okay?" i said but stell didn't answer. he was just looking at my eyes the entire time. i miss you so much.

when i felt my eyes tearing up, i immediately turned around and faced the table, pretending to get some food for stell. "uhm.. do you want to eat? kailangan mong magpalakas para gumaling ka agad..." i said and internally cursed when i heard my voice crack a bit. my hands started shaking a bit as well.

"justin..." stell called, making my heart leap again. i faced him, still preventing myself from crying. he tapped on the empty space beside him on the bed and asked, "pwede ka bang umupo dito?" i smiled.

i nodded and sat on the bed, facing him. i really wanted to hug him so bad or even hold his hand. this is the closest i got to him after he woke up from his year-long-coma.

i didn't know why he asked me to sit there because he wouldn't speak either. he just stared at my eyes, like he was searching for something from them. i got a bit startled when stell raised his hand towards my face. he gently rubbed my cheeks with his thumb, wiping my tears away. i didn't even notice that i was already crying infront of him. i missed his touch so much. i missed the way it sends thousands of sparks in my body even after all these years.

"'wag kang umiyak. baka magalit yung boyfriend mo, isipin pinapaiyak kita." he said in the most gentle way possible and i smiled sadly.

"wala naman akong boyfriend." i said softly. i almost.... had a husband.

"really? i doubt that."

"i'm inlove with someone. sadly, our love story had to be put on hold for a while." i said and the smile on his face disappeared.

i noticed that stell was about to say something but i gently tapped his arm.

"you should rest, stell. i don't want to stress you out." i said and stood up, helping stell lie down. i could see in his eyes that he's still very tired.

"aalis na 'ko. si paulo daw muna ang magbabantay sa'yo ngayon." i almost walked away but i stopped in my tracks when i felt stell hold my hand. i looked at him and he gulped, looking back at me.

"babalik ka ba, justin?"

i shook my head while smiling. i held his hand, gently caressing it with my thumb. "andito lang naman ako palagi, stell." i smiled.... and he did too.

"thank you."

"you're always welcome, tulips."