retrospect

retrospect #8

PAULO'S P.O.V

three knocks on the door and i immediately stood up from the couch, excitedly leaping on the way. i went on a halt when i passed by my body-sized mirror and checked my hair, making sure it looks neat, but then i ruffled it again, deciding it looks better when it's kinda messy. i laughed. damn, i must be going crazy.

it's 30 minutes before midnight and i opened the door, only to be engulfed in a warm bear hug and my favorite scent already intoxicating my senses.

"ohh, i missed you." apollo said, snuggling closer in my neck. he's quite taller than me but he's a literal baby. i'm not complaining though. i really love his company.

"i missed you more, baby." i said, making him tighten his hug around my waist, lifting me up a bit.

apollo gently pulled away from the hug and ran his fingers through my hair. he still had his other arm snaked around my waist, keeping me close to him. "i love it when you call me names." he said and bit his lip. i slapped his chest playfully and pushed him away before holding his hand to pull him with me again towards the dining area.

"ewan ko sa'yo. let's eat nalang. i see you brought something. nagluto din naman ako but-"

i was cut off when he spun me around by my waist and kissed me full and deep on my lips, making me lean back on the dining table with his hand behind me for support.

"i think i'd like to eat something else." apollo said with a smirk and i felt my stomach flutter. i didn't answer and just pulled him by the neck, kissing him gently but with a bit of power this time. his muscular arms found their way to my thighs as he hoisted me up, making me straddle his waist.

we kissed as apollo walks towards my bedroom with me still straddling his waist. our shirts are long gone now and the only thing separating our members from touching are these sinful sweatpants. not so long after making out, i felt the soft mattress against my back. he didn't break the kiss once. apollo laid on top of me, peppering my lips, cheek, nose, eyes, and my whole face with soft and moist kisses, making me chuckle at the ticklish sensation.

he stopped and stared at my eyes. the room was dark and the moonlight was the only thing illuminating us. and apollo looked gorgeous...

he once again swept my hair away from my forehead, still staring at my eyes. then, he smiled.... a sad one, on that note. i smiled too, gently caressing his cheek with my thumb.

"it's okay, baby." i said, reassuring him. this isn't our first time doing this. it just feels different because we both know that what we feel for each other is now starting to bloom.... and it hurts.

"pau... i lo-"

"shh." i placed my index finger on his lips, preventing him from speaking.

"please... don't say it..." i said, my voice almost sounded like a whisper as a tear gently strolled down the side of my eye. apollo was quick to notice it and he wiped it away, kissing my eyes in the process as well.

he didn't talk anymore. we just kissed, and kissed, and kissed. our lips and hands travelled down on every parts of our bodies and later on, the room was filled with moans and groans and the sound of skin lapping to each other made the burning sensation even more addicting.

"ah! i-i'm close... i'm almost- ah-" i moaned as i felt like i'm gonna burst at any moment now.

"wait for me, babe. i'm here." apollo said in my ear before he moaned, which sounds like music to my ears. after a few more thrusts, we came together and he laid on his full weight on top of me as we both catch our breaths, trying to get down from our high.

apollo pulled out and stood up to clean the both of us and change the sheets before settling down beside me for a cuddle. he pulled the new covers on top of our bodies and opened his arms for me to which i happily accepted. he caresses my hair and planted a soft kiss on my forehead. this is the best feeling in the world. how i wish i could just have all of it for myself. unfortunately, I know I couldn't.

"kelan ka babalik ng japan?" i asked and i heard him sigh.

"uhm... next week, i think. i have a new movie soon so.. i need to go back kasi magsstart na yung shooting." he explained and i nodded. i stared in his eyes and he stared back at mine.

"pau... i want to say it."

i shook my head. i know what he wants. he wants to tell me he loves me. but he couldn't.... because he shouldn't.

"don't, apollo. lalo lang tayong mahihirapan."

"what if mag-risk tayo?"

"your whole career is in japan. and mine is here, in the Philippines. it won't work. maswerte lang si jah na dito naka-base yung office niya or else they would've ended up like us." i explained and apollo shut his eyes. as soon as he opened it, i could see them getting teary. he pulled me up to sit down so we could talk properly while he holds my hand.

"but pau... can't we at least give it a try..?"

"paano? long distance relationship? can we handle that? and even if we can, paano kung ikakasal na tayo? where would we live? kaya mo bang iwan ng buo yung career mo sa japan? at kaya ko bang iwan ng buo yung career ko dito? there are lots of factors to that, apollo. masyado lang tayong mahihirapang dalawa."

we've been like this for months. hooking up whenever he's here in the Philippines and not talking at all when he's in Japan, except when we interact on twitter or on our group chat. i refuse to talk to him when he's in Japan because i know i would just miss him even more. and i hate it. i hate how much i miss him because it makes me love him even more when i know i'm not supposed to.

"pau, do you not feel the same way?" i sighed and took my sweatpants from the floor before heading to the kitchen to get a glass of water. i'm getting a bit annoyed, tbh.

"pau. i asked you a question." unfortunately, apollo followed me. he wore his sweatpants as well and a white t-shirt. i didn't answer. i kept my back facing him as i transferred water from the jug to my glass.

suddenly, my heart tumbled when i felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist from behind. apollo rested his chin on my shoulder and sighed, his breath gently fanning my neck.

"i'm sorry... just please answer me, pau. i need to know. if you don't want any of this, then just tell me so i can move on."

my heart broke.

i didn't face him but i spoke up.
"i do feel the same. the way you make the butterflies in my stomach go crazy everytime, the sparks from your touch, the way you make me feel so loved and so special... i love each and every single part of it, apollo. i'm just... i'm too afraid to take a risk. kasi ayokong iwan mo lahat ng meron ka sa japan para sa'kin. and to be very honest, i don't think i'm ready to leave everything i have here as well for you." i explained and he nodded. i know he would understand. it hurts so fucking much but at the end of the day, we always choose to understand each other.

i turned around, facing him before he hugged me again. i buried my face by the crook of his neck as he planted a kiss on my hair.

"i don't care, pau. i love you."