A Year With Williams

I remember

It's been so long that I wrote anything. Life, has changed. It had to, I am no longer fifteen after all and six years tend to change people and tend to change circumstances people are in.

I wish I could say I am any less stupider, I am not. I still choose wrong, still have to face, as the 15 year old me so kindly put, "fake gossip girls"(which, wow, very fucking ,mature of me, just call them a bitch already) and men who are walking red flags but things have well in simple terms, changed.

 For the longest time this book was such a, "What the fuck have I done, I should take it down" for me. Fifteen year old me had no shame, zero care of the consequences and a lot more courage than twenty-one year old me. 

So here I am again, 6 years later with a summary and maybe sort of an apology but not really. This is the first ever book I wrote and completed, without this book, I would have never had the courage to write anything at all. Granted this book is immature and i should edit it some day, but I kind of don't want to, there is an innocence about this book that only a fifteen year old me had and i don't want the 21 y/o me to ruin her work.

The language is naïve, like I was, immature and childish but in the sweetest way. Not everything makes sense, there are too many characters that were real people (oops, not sorry) and way to many loose ends. What can I say? Taylor Swift writes songs, I write books.

So why am I here again? Well, recently I got in touch with Max. Its been six fucking year. I will quote him, "This has to go down as a record for the longest time it has taken 2 individuals to become friends." and i have to agree it took us six fucking years. To be fair, I wanted to contact him but I thought it would be extremely awkward seeing as how I wrote about what an absolute jerk he was and then published it on an international platform and absolutely had no shame when it became the talk of my school. I wish i could do that again, have the courage to write about guys like this now, I was an absolute chaotic little bitch I think I need to learn something from my own self here. Except a mature me wouldn't cause why even make them think that you care.

Also because its very embarrassing to talk shit about someone over the internet.

Which is why I said this is an apology, but not really. I am sorry I wrote a book about you all. BUT honestly, yeah, I will never take this down I am not that sorry, fuck you guys you made me miserable when I was 15, I deserved so much more better. 

Which makes me come back to Max. You all will be happy to know he is exactly the same guy, just as charming, just as happy and carefree, except now he is all grown up and mature,  little more crazier than he was for sure though. I was right, he did read this, good thing is he doesn't mind, in his words, This is the only memory he has of a 15 y/o him and if i delete it he will have absolute no memories of that time. 

I am actually kind of happy about it in a way? It's not that i would have deleted this but the fact that he is okay with this whole thing makes me feel just tad a bit better. 

He is really nice by the way, funnily he apologized for being a jerk back then. I should apologize for being a crazy obsessive bitch too probably but what does a fifteen year old know? He has grown a lot by the way, more sensible which for some reason makes me feel almost, proud? I don't know, I am just happy for him and happy that we both have matured in a way that we could talk about this.

About Samuel, we never dated. Samuel was a great friend, for a while i think i loved him, but what does a sixteen year girl know about love? I don't think I still have love figured out and that's okay, I am young and full of potential, I don't need to figure everything out.

I am now studying medicine in a foreign country and Max, he is also working somewhere. Katie and I are still the best of friends, I don't talk to other people from the school, Samuel and I don't talk either. 

This book would now have a different ending. No one likes to end on a sad note anyways. She here it is. I remember. I remember all of you, I might not remember you names or your faces, but i do remember small things about each of you and It's all great. I hope all of you are happy and I hope some of you could forgive me, I hope you all see this book as a memory and i hope wherever you are, you are okay.