Stuck

Hi

I really need to rant to people who dont know me in person, bwcause if I do they're probably gonna just say the same shit they pull out of their asses and make me believe I mean something to them again.

Everyone in my life treats me as someone that just exists, I try so Fucking hard to make as many people in my life happy but as soon as I try to include more people that I thought loved me others bail because they have other people who mean more to them than me.

I feel like I am someone in everyone's life they can just throw out any time because they are bored of me, I'm always the one reaching out to people asking how they are, or if they want to hangout, but no one ever reaches out to me.

I feel like the only reason people even know I exist is because my dad is a well knows teacher or because im in their class or because I text them or they've seen my Instagram on their recommended.

I feel like people see it as a burden to talk to me or hold any form of a conversation with me, people see it as amusement when I'm struggling.

I feel like moat people wouldn't notice if I suddenly juat disappeared, and the people that do notice they'd probably be relieved.

The only people I thought cared about me ended up lying to me for almost my entire life, as soon as I found out they said they'd never do it again but now i don't trust them.

I trust maybe 2 people enough to tell them how I feel but as soon as they say some shit like, "I would notice your absence" or "I don't know what I'd do without you." I dont believe them no matter how many times they say it, I can't.

I feel like there's a point I will get to where I start to trust people again, but I dont want to be put in a vulnerable spot again where I could get hurt like that again.

I'm broken enough now, I cant handle that again, that would push me over the edge and I might go something stupid and its taking everything in me not to do something now.

I'm at my own Fucking party in the bathroom crying because I was straight up ignored and every single thing I said was fully unimportant to everyone and from the sound of it they didn't even Fucking notice, if anything it sounds like they're having more fun.

This is why I'm ranting to people who don't know me IRL, because if they saw it they'd probably lie to me again.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my Ted talk, I'm not ok. See you guys next time I guess we'll see if I talk to y'all again or not.