The Skittle We Never Bit, But Sucked Intimately

Burying Wood

[The following fanfiction is purely based off of jokes/ideas]
Author's note: There are no Broodles or talking hats because I'm lazy and didn't want to add in a million extra things. This means no Cappy/ Cappy's sister, no Cap or Cascade Kingdoms, and no moons because Mario has a more efficiently powered Odyssey.

--Mario--
The Odyssey landed with a heavy metal thud, and Mario stepped out with a sigh. He recollected his thoughts and plastered on a smile, already exhausted. He looked around and saw a little robot man spinning around. Mario approached the bot, wondering why he was doing this.
Before he could say a word, the robot shouted, "Recent events have initiated my Panic-and-Spin protocol. Panic and spin. Panic and spin."
"What recent events, might I ask?" Mario asked.
"A giant dragon-lizard has just illegally accessed our water supply. So now we panic and spin."
Mario knew exactly who this dragon-lizard was. He looked up in the sky just in time to see Boswer sailing away on his space boat, taunting Mario with a childish yet effective face and hand motions. "MARIOOOOOOO! HELP!" Peach yelled. Then they were out of sight.
"That was him. The dragon-lizard. He just set up a machine that steals all of our flowers."
"Why don't you guys break it? It'd make sense. My feeble man-arms versus your indestructible metal bodies. Plus, there are more of you."
"Panic-and-Spin protocol prevents us from initiating any sequence other than panicking and spinning."
"I know," Mario sighed. "I know." He turned towards the path leading away from the Odyssey. "This way to the trouble?"
"Danger ahead. Proceed down path at your own risk."
"This way to the trouble," Mario confirmed quietly to himself. He started walking down the path and quickly came to a sphinx statue standing (lying?) suspiciously in front of the cliffside that the path led to.
"Greetings traveler. Can you answer my riddle?" it boomed. "What does the monster want from this kingdom?"
Mario rolled his eyes. "Your mother."
"Incorrect. Come back when you know the answer, and maybe learn to listen, jeez."
Mario shook his head. "Ok, I'll answer seriously this time."
The statue was silent, like how statues should be. Mario tried to reset it by spinning around as if to trick it into thinking he was a new person. When that didn't work, he took a few steps back, and then walked up to it again.
"Greetings traveler. Can you answer my riddle?" it boomed. "What does the monster want from this kingdom?"
"Flowers. He wants flowers for his wedding," Mario answered.
"Oh my god I don't care why, just tell me what he wants. Mansplaining much?" said the sphinx, scooting over to its right, revealing a hole in the wall that the pathway ran straight through.
"Thank you," Mario muttered, annoyed as he strolled down the path.
He walked a slight incline and, at the top, saw pools of acid covering the land, with purple piranha plants scattered about, spitting balls of poison and gnashing their teeth wildly.

--Bowser--
"Really Peach? 'Mario, help?' Sing him to sleep, why don't you? Maybe then you'll have a better chance of getting his attention," Bowser mocked.
"Oh you're judging ME?" Peach retorted. "I'm not the one who made a face at him like a six-year-old."
"A six-year-old?! I'm like, immortal you flamingo-loving whore."
"It's PEACH. And you know it's peach because that's my name."
"No objection to the whore thing, though."
"I can't help that people love me for more than just my micro-penis."
"At least I have a penis!"
"At least I have a boyfriend–" Peach tried to silence herself, but it was too late. It had been said. "Bowser, I... I didn't mean it."
But it was too late. Bowser rolled his eyes and turned his back to her.
"Bowser... come on, I'm sorry." Peach tried to get him to meet her eyes, but the damage was done. Bowser was single, and Peach was rubbing it in.
"Lake Kingdom," Bowser said at last.
"...What?" said Peach.
"We're going to the Lake Kingdom next to get a dress."
"Oh, yes," Peach sighed. "That."

--Mario--
As Mario jumped on the head of the last acid-spitting piranha plant, he sighed and wiped away a drip of sweat sliding down his forehead. He looked over to his left where the path of orange metal platforms led, going up the mountain. He slugged up the mountain, hopping from platform to platform, never falling because he does this every goddamn year, plus the excruciating amounts of training he does to keep in shape.
As he took a few steps back to get a running start, he wondered if it was even worth it to save the princess so often. Clearly Bowser actually wanted her, which was more than Mario could say. Then she'd be with someone who actually loved her, something Mario couldn't provide.
Maybe, though, she would still be miserable with someone who loved her. After all, there was almost no chance she loved him back. Or perhaps they're just friends who have habits that piss each other off sometimes. Like kidnapping them. Mario took a deep breath. I need to stop trying to make an excuse, he thought to himself. This is wrong, I have to save her. From Bowser and myself.
As he sprung over the final platform, Mario peeked around the corner, thinking he was finally at the top of the mountain. To his discouraging surprise, however, he had only reached the halfway point. He audibly groaned and rolled his eyes as another piranha plant spit a ball of acid at him. He jumped to the side for safety and began squishing all of the plants beneath his feet.
Mario followed the path a few meters and veered left, meeting the drooling mouth of a giant piranha plant. He fell backwards as the plant lifted its head up, smacking its lips as it prepared for its snack. It lunged forward in a great attempt to eat the plumber. Mario rolled to his right, narrowly escaping the literal jaws of death. He stood up, brushed himself off and prepared for a sizable jump. He charged into the air and firmly landed on the piranha plant's head, squashing it. It let out a sigh of defeat and poofed into nothingness.
As if it was hiding in fear, or waiting for a hero to come forward, a bridge of flowers revealed itself. It climbed up to a tall, red tower in the middle of the kingdom. Attached to the top of the tower was a large glass vacuum, filling itself with flowers. Mario trekked this new flower bridge all the way to the vacuum and jumped on it as hard as he could, finally smashing it to bits on the third jump. Behind him, he heard mechanical whirs of excitement approaching him rapidly.
"He's done it. We are saved. We may cease our Panic-and-Spin protocol," said one of the robotic locals. Various whoops of hurray spread throughout the kingdom as Mario was escorted back down the mountain to the Odyssey. There, he met eyes with the captain.
"Mario, I'm so glad you're safe!" Toad yelled. "I was watching from the trees– I mean looking for a way to shut off the vacuum without getting glass in my shoes."
Mario smiled. "Thank you for keeping an eye out for me, my captain. I suppose, though, you should be heading to the next kingdom and try to stop Bowser. I'll meet you there, if I'm lucky," he said, kissing Toad on the forehead.
"I guess I should, huh? Well, I'll see you again!" Toad skipped away to his own spaceship and took off.
Mario watched as his boyfriend's ship flew out of sight. When it was gone, he walked slowly to his own ship and went inside. He put in the coordinates for the Lake Kingdom, where Bowser would certainly be heading to next, and sat down in his swivel chair. Then he took off, trying to get some rest before he landed again.