The Skittle We Never Bit, But Sucked Intimately

Sippin' On Snail Tears; Tastes Like Champagne

[The following fanfiction is purely based off of jokes/ideas]
Author's note: There are no Broodles or talking hats because I'm lazy and didn't want to add in a million extra things. This means no Cappy/ Cappy's sister, no Cap or Cascade Kingdoms, and no moons because Mario has a more efficiently powered Odyssey.

The fizzy air rose with the scent of sand and sugar and the sun, burning pleasantly, layed on the brim of Mario's cap, filling him with a warmth which he had not felt in years. He stepped onto the soft, quiet sand and his feet filled themselves with its heat. To his right, a large, beige-colored snail sliding by slowly had noticed him standing, taking in the kingdom.
The snail's glorious mustache shimmied with every word. "Hello, sir," he said with his hands on his hips. "What might you be doing here in Bubblaine?"
Mario said that he was there to stop a wedding.
"Well, boy do I have an advancement for you. You see, Bubblaine used to be a beautiful resort until that... thing showed up." He gestured with his arm to the fountain floating on the surface of the water, right in the middle of the boundary. On the top of it was a very large, purple octopus sucking the bubbling water from the fountain through a gigantic silicone straw.
"Just look at 'im up there, guzzling down all our sparkling water,' the snail continued. "I can't believe he thinks he can take all our water for a wedding we weren't even invited to! Reminds me of my daughter. You're stopping a wedding, won't you help us put an end to him?" He looked up at Mario with a lazy glint in his eye.
What choice do I have, Mario asked himself disgruntledly. "Of course," he told the snail, who smiled a fainéant grin.
The two stared at each other for quite some time, not saying a word. The snail rocked back and forth in an idle restlessness, and they both kept glancing away and looking back.
"So are you gonna..."
"You're in my way," Mario said, exasperated. "I can't get past you."
"Oh," the snail chuckled. "You should've said so. I'll just scooch on by here." He slid sluggishly across the sand, thoroughly making use of both his and Mario's time.
Eventually, Mario's path was clear enough for him to get by, and he lifted himself onto his toes and stepped carefully over the laggard, mustached insect-mammal-man-thing's tail, dragging behind him. When his toes reached the other side, he took off sprinting. His other foot, however, had refused to lift itself up and trailed behind him, catching onto the local's tail, still slowly making his way from his original standing point. Mario planted himself face-first into the sand, humiliated. I can't believe this is my life, he thought as he lifted himself off the ground and dusted off any sticking sand from his clothes.
"Woah there, buddy. Wouldn't want you to get hurt now," chuckled the snail, still scooting past the Odyssey. "Be a real shame if you didn't get rid of that octopus."
Mario rolled his eyes and continued walking until his shoes were just out of reach of the pulsing water and took in the sight of the kingdom. To his right, there was a large pillar of sandstone with chains attached to its sides, covering a comically sized cork plugged into its top. About a kilometer or two behind it, on the other side of the octopus, there was another. This was the same on the other side.
Four plugs? he thought. I only have one.
He made his way to the smaller sandstone fountain on his left and climbed up its side. Pictured in red paint, there was a jagged symbol on the upside of the cork. The fated Groundpound symbol. Mario sprang up into the air as high as he could and flipped forward. He tucked in his legs and head and slammed himself down, unfolding at the impact. Why did that work? he asked himself as the cork flew out of the fountain, allowing the water to spew towards the center glass fountain.
From the top of the sandstone pillar, Mario looked down at the crystal blue water, flowing back and forth with the sweet breeze. He closed his eyes and dove in, resurfacing quickly and stroking all the way to the fountain behind the core tube. He repeated this until all four fountains had been unplugged.
On the last one, the cork popped out so fast, Mario did not have enough time to jump out of its way, and it shot him like a rocket directly onto the violet octopus, entirely pissing it off. Its head glowed red with anger and steam blasted out from its ear holes.
It stood there, making itself angrier until it shat lava onto its head and jumped into the ocean, spinning around recklessly.
"Are you fucking... kidding me," Mario groaned defeatedly. He jumped from the fountain and into the water, chasing after the cowardly piss-baby. He swam to the shore and climbed up the sandstone fountain of which the octopus was circling, spitting seashell mines into the water. Mario took off his hat, drenched in sparkling water, and wrung it out onto the tentacled brat's hot head. "You need to cool off," he sighed, straightening his cap on his head.
The octopus squealed with rage as its head of lava steamed away. It paddled itself to the opposite side of the map. This is great, Mario thought. Phenomenal, even. No, this is exactly how I wanted to spend my weekend. God.
He swam slowly to the octopus and splashed it repeatedly with the water until its head got concerningly larger and it shrieked. It scrambled out of the water and climbed up a small hill, past a sign the read, "Bubblaine Hot Springs: literally the only tourist attraction we have." Next to it, "Hot Springs have lost their hot, come visit soon!"
Mario stepped heavily up to the hot springs. He took off his hat, scooped up some water in it, and threw it at the octopus, soaking brim and all.
It screamed as it swallowed (much like Bowser) and its massive, jiggling head grew until it got so big, it exploded. The top blew open, spitting lava directly into the hot springs, which bubbled and steamed peacefully.
The octopus, inside pouring out, wiggled violently. Suddenly, it's slimy, rubbery skin began reforming and reaching for itself, repairing the creature's head. It stood back up, eyes glowing with irritation, and poofed into a magical puff of dark purple smoke, vanishing to what Mario could only assume was the wedding venue.
How is it going to get the water out? he wondered. He shuddered at the thought of drinking it, the idea pawing at his mind.
"Hey, the hot springs are not have not hot again," called an excited local, pointing at the top of the hill.
Mario dragged his feet all the way back to the Odyssey. His was a thankless job, and a difficult one no less. He was exhausted all of the time, both physically and emotionally.
He was sick. Sick of lying and feeling guilty. Sick of this repeated strenuous activity. Sick of everyone taking him for granted.
"I deserve it," he said in a low voice. "I deserved to be treated like dirt; I'm a dirty liar."
He sat in his black leather chair and the Odyssey lifted off the ground, now going toward the Snow Kingdom.