The Skittle We Never Bit, But Sucked Intimately

My Thiccc Ba-Donk

[The following fanfiction is purely based off of jokes/ideas]
Author's note: There are no Broodles or talking hats because I'm lazy and didn't want to add in a million extra things. This means no Cappy/ Cappy's sister, no Cap or Cascade Kingdoms, and no moons because Mario has a more efficiently powered Odyssey.

Mario parked the Odyssey on the roof of a very sizable building. As he stepped outside, the rain soaked through his hat and dripped down his face in thick droplets. He noticed a tall woman– or at least an average sized woman– in an extravagant red pantsuit, surrounded by equally tall (average) men. Mario approached her, who was looking rather distraught.
"What seems to be the trouble?" he asked.
She looked at him incredulously. "I'm sorry little man, but I don't have time to chat right now. I need to figure out a way to save my city. Things have been in utter chaos since that brutish monster showed up. And he has the nerve to be advertising this wedding of his all over New Donk City?! A bit tasteless, if you ask me. If you're looking for something to do, there's a little lad on top of City Hall. I think he's considering something that would be... less than ideal for the image of the city. Perhaps the Little Lad Dance."
    One of the men in gray suits standing by her side piped in. "You heard her... little man," he sneered. "Mayor Pauline is busy doing something actually helpful. Get out of her face."
    The mayor rolled her eyes at him. "John, I'm still not going on a date with you. I don't care how much you suck up, you know it's not happening."
    "But think about it. We could be so good together. And our babies would be beautiful. Gorgeous babies. Please?" he begged.
    "John, shut the hell up before I fire you for sexual harrassment."
Mario decided it was a good time to leave. A little lad, he thought as he ziplined from the top of the building to the park below. Oh, god. Suddenly realizing, Mario sprinted to the tallest building on the street, bumping into many unknowing passerbys. Many a "Ay! I'm walkin' 'ear!" were shouted as he reached the City Hall entrance. The doors were made of heavy glass, with a long, silver bar bridging horizontally across the center of each one. A medium-sized metal plaque had been welded on either door, just above the bars, reading, "Push."
Mario pulled on the doors with all his might, trying his best to reach the jumper, but his attempts were fruitless. His eyes filled with worried, helpless tears as he strained his neck to see the top of the building. He looked back at the doors, mocking him in their cruel, inanimate insipidity.
Surrendering his futile efforts, Mario leaned against the doors, which flew open at the impact. He fell backwards onto the maroon carpeting of City Hall. The building smelled like it had been cleaned within the week and... business. Mario wasn't sure as to what kind of business, but that's what it smelled like to him. Although you would think that a bathroom would smell like business to him, being a plumber. That's just bad writing.
Mario scanned the wide room for a way up when he noticed a flight of carpeted stairs to his right, following up the wall. He raced towards them, hoping for an easier way to the roof. To his lucky surprise, at the base of the stairs were the sleek silver doors of an elevator. He clicked the "up" arrow and tapped his foot in anticipation.
...
...
...
At last, the doors slid open, revealing their bright, clean interior. Mario stepped inside and clicked "roof" on the button panel. Smooth jazz played quietly in the background as he remarked the variety of posters that had been hung up upon the elevator walls.
The first poster was that of Bowser and Peach, posing... happily, sort of, for a wedding photo. He had seen this poster before, scattered loosely across every kingdom he had visited. To its right, there was a missing persons poster for a large man who's name was allegedly "The Bassist." There were three other missing persons posters, all for men of equally obscure names and red-striped suits: The Guitarist, The Drummer, and The Trumpeter. Bowser was surely behind this.
The elevator stopped and Mario paused, waiting for his stomach and head to catch up with the rest of his body before stepping out onto the slick, rain-soaked roof. He saw a metal pipe hanging from a wire, dangling off the side of the building. Sitting on its far end was Captain Toad, who seemed to be crying. Mario didn't want to startle him, so, as not to make him fall, he cleared his throat loudly and stepped forward.
"Captain?" he called softly.
Toad whipped his head around in fear. Tears and rain had drenched his face, and his eyes were red. "What do you want?" he asked weakly.
"Toad, what are you doing? Please, you're going to hurt yourself."
"So you're the only one who's allowed to hurt me? Just..." he swallowed. "Just go away. Leave me."
"Toad, I didn't want to hurt you, I just didn't want to lie to you. It's not your fault, it never was. Please, come away from there."
Toad's eyes flooded as Mario stepped closer to him, extending his arms. Toad turned away and strained a sob. Mario sat down beside him and pulled him close in a comforting embrace. Toad was stiff at first, but relaxed as he remembered everything the two had been through. Ducking into alleyways to avoid being seen and flirting during palace staff meetings... but it was over now. Gone. The thought permeated in his mind and he sighed.
"I'm sorry," he said finally.
Mario looked at him with great sympathy. "You have no reason to apologize. I understand." He stood up and stretched his arm down, reaching for Toad's hand to pull him up. "Let's go find the princess."
The toadstool glanced up at him and wore a small, relieved smile. He took Mario's hand and pulled himself up. In doing so, the lubricious pipe they had been sitting on shook at the shift in weight, tossing the captain overboard, still holding onto Mario. He screamed as Mario also lost his balance and fell, still barely on the pipe. Their hands were slipping in the rain, hanging miles above solid ground.
Mario felt his hand get cooler as Toad was now only hanging onto his fingertips, looking down at his concrete fate. A collective gasp spread throughout the square below; those walking by or admiring the Hall had caught eye of the situation.
Toad took a final breath and snapped his eyes tightly shut while gravity jerked his hand away from Mario's. Mario scrambled to grab hold of him again, but Toad was now free falling, just out of reach of his ex's grasp.
Without thinking, Mario dived into the air to Toad. He wrapped him in his arms and braced them both for impact. "I can't watch you die," Mario whispered. "If we're both going down, I'm getting the worst of it."
His body slammed against the cold, wet ground. Toad stood up, shaken to the core. Mario had sacrificed his life for Toad's depressed carelessness, and he would have to live with that for the rest of his life.

~~~~~~

Mario's eyes opened and blinked a few times in shock. A shiver traveled through his bones, biting him in his feet, which had been submitted to the most impact of the street.
"Right," he said, standing up and wiping away mud off of his overalls. "I don't take fall damage. Are you all right, Captain?"
Toad nodded his head yes, still petrified and astonished. "I think..." he swallowed. "I think I'm going to find the princess." He turned on his heel towards his ship, but stopped and looked back at Mario. "Thank you. Really."
Mario smiled and began walking back to the Odyssey. It's crimson door welcomed him with an airy, metal whoosh and he stepped inside. He put in the coordinates to the next closest kingdom-- the Seaside Kingdom-- and sat down in his swivel chair, letting the Odyssey take him to Bubblaine.