The Skittle We Never Bit, But Sucked Intimately

Water Under The Bridge

[The following fanfiction is purely based off of jokes/ideas]
Author's note: There are no Broodles or talking hats because I'm lazy and didn't want to add in a million extra things. This means no Cappy/ Cappy's sister, no Cap or Cascade Kingdoms, and no moons because Mario has a more efficiently powered Odyssey.

--Bowser--
Peach poked her head up from her make-shift bed. She looked around, seeing nothing but blackness dotted with tiny bright lights. She heard some strange noises coming from... somewhere.
"What is that?" she asked, looking around confusedly.
"DEEZ NUTS," Bowser called from below deck.
"No seriously, come out here and help me look!" Peach yelled. "Something's making a weird noise and I don't know what it is."
Bowser climbed up the stairs to the deck and spun around lazily. "Nothing's there. What are you on, princess?"
"I'm serious! It sounds like a pufferfish eating! Look– listen." The two sat in silence for about thirty seconds before Bowser heard it.
"Holy shit, I think it's coming from over here," he said, sprinting to the other side of the ship, looking overboard. He pointed at something just outside of Peach's peripheral. "There, see it?"
Peach hopped up, ran to Bowser, and looked where he was pointing.
"Oh my god," she said.
A few meters away from the side of the ship were two goombas wiggling on top of each other aggressively. Beads of sweat drifted off their bodies in the zero-gravity atmosphere.
"What the hell?" Bowser exclaimed. He quickly turned around and closed his eyes tightly. "I feel like we shouldn't be watching this."
"Agreed," Peach said, doing the same. When the noise drifted out of earshot, Peach reluctantly opened one eye. Being safe to see again, she walked back to her seat and layed down on it. Bowser sat against the flagpole.
"I feel like Mario doesn't love me anymore," she whined.
"What are you on, lady? Of course he does. Why else would he 'rescue' you time and time again?" Bowser inquired.
"See, that's the thing. I feel like after so many instances, he must get tired of this routine, right? And not to mention, he's been acting really distant lately. I keep trying to tell myself he's just trying to work up courage to propose, but..." She trailed off, tearing up.
"Well, we're having a wedding later, so if he takes over for me, then you know. Hey," he said, standing up and walking to her. He gave her a hug. "It'll be ok, got it?"
"Ok..."

--Mario--
Mario tripped walking down the ramp of the Odyssey, but caught himself before he made a bigger embarrassment of himself in front of a beautiful sea green mermaid woman with a blue tail. She caught his eye.
"It's a tragedy! A travesty! A devastation!" she cried.
Mario looked around to see who she was screaming at. "Uh-" he started.
"It's a tragedy! A travesty! A devastation!" she said, with more impatience than urgency.
Mario sighed. "What is, miss?"
"Oh thank goodness! Are you a hero? We desperately need a hero right now! It's a tragedy! A travesty! A devastation!"
"So I've heard... What exactly is this disaster?
"Well, a big dragon-turtle just broke into the room made out of fragile glass that we used to show-off the prized, sacred dress that had no guards around it whatsoever!"
"So you just... Is he by any chance waiting for me there so we can just get this over with and I can go home."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Ok. Can you help us get back the dress?" She asked, doing her best puppy-dog eyes.
Mario wasn't impressed. "Yeah... fine."
He ran into the water surrounding the patch of land he and the mermaid were standing on. As it got too deep to stand in, he paddled himself to the pillar/building where there was another mermaid sitting atop the balcony. Mario high-jumped to where she was sitting.
"Impressive, tourist," she mocked. "The plaza is that way."
Mario was taken aback, slightly. "Is that where the, uh, the dress is?"
"Yeah, or at least it would be if stupid tourists could respect the place. I mean, come on, a hairy turtle stole the dress, a mushroom got trapped in a goddamn well, and you didn't even bother to look at a map before you landed here with no regard for the locals. I swear to Pearl, you tourists are an invasive species."
The plumber was too stunned to speak, so he just stepped away and dove into the pit that led to the plaza. He swam directly into a dark cave and he couldn't see a thing. He tried his best to adjust his eyes, but it was no use. He would have to try to navigate through the tunnels blind.
Brushing against seaweed, startling him every time, he slowly swam to where he thought was the plaza. Turning one way into the next tunnel and another into a wall, over and over. His head started pounding from the lack of oxygen. His eyes felt like they were popping out of their sockets from the intoxicating pressure. He saw a glimpse of light coming from somewhere in front of him. Trying his best to swim towards it, it grew bigger. His vision getting blurrier with every moment, he had finally reached the end of the cave.
Feeling weaker by the second, Mario pushed himself with semi-swift arm movements out of the cave and into the light, clear blue water. His arms were heavy and his knees were weak, he was craving mom's spaghetti and there was about to be vomit on his sweater already. Coughing profusely, his throat was on fire and every movement caused his entire body to ache, until he finally couldn't take it anymore. His head was screaming but he didn't have the breath to, until eventually his body went limp and numb. He couldn't get his mind off of one thing. He was going to die, and very soon. I have been living my life with a brave face, but I'm a coward. I couldn't even tell Peach I didn't want to be with her, he thought. He remembered everything from birth until that moment. Every kiss he shared with Peach and Toad, and every banter-filled fight with Bowser. Bowser. The name echoed in his mind. He never meant to hurt Bowser, and Mario found it odd that he hadn't died yet. Bowser clearly had an advantage over him, in size, weapons, and wit. Yet the two still went at it every year.
He thought about Captain Toad. Every sweet moment played over and over, yet Mario could only think of his flaws. Too short, too loud, wears a diaper, and he's too clingy. Bowser was slightly distant and introverted, something Mario respected. Without any control, he thought of what it would be like to be in Peach's position. Spending time with Bowser, checking up on each other, laughing and making jokes.
Mario came to the conclusion that he wished to do one thing: stop lying to everyone. He wanted nothing more than to break up with the princess and the captain right then. But he would never have another chance to again. It's easier this way, he told himself. Dying.
He closed his eyes in an attempt to have one last relaxing moment, but every second was too unbearable. He felt himself sinking as he drifted out of consciousness.
After what felt like forever and simultaneously no time at all, he woke up suddenly, trying his best to spare his lungs from their watery demise. How did I get here? he asked himself. Why am I still alive?
He looked over his left shoulder and met the eyes of another mermaid looking down at him where he was lying on the ground.
"Fucking tourists," she groaned as she rolled her eyes. Mario watched from his safe place as she dove back into the water, pretending he wasn't even there.
He stood up and brushed himself off, still half-soaked from a minute before. Turning around, he noticed a glass ball with a small entrance laying on the lake floor. Coming from it were the distant-sounding screams of someone familiar. He took the deepest breath he could and jumped into the water, swimming as fast as he could towards the ball. When he made it inside, it was completely dry.
Inside of the ball, there was a small sand castle, and the floor was dotted with seashells of purple, pink, and blue. To the sand castle's right, there was a green pipe with short white pants and little brown shoes that seemed to be the one screaming.
Mario stepped over to the pipe, grabbed hold of the shoes, and pulled on them as hard as he could. After great effort, he finally popped Captain Toad out from his claustrophobic prison, right onto him. Toad and Mario blushed as Mario gently pushed the captain off of him.
"Mario," Toad said. "Thank you."
Mario dodged eye contact. "It was, uh... no problem. Look, Toad, we need to talk."
"Yeah, we shouldn't just sit here silently."
"No, I mean we need to talk about us."
"Oh... that doesn't sound good."
"I think we should break up."
Toad's eyes grew so wide, Mario worried they might fall out. The two were quiet for a moment.
Finally, Toad mustered, "Are you joking?"
Mario shook his head solemnly.
"W-why?"
"I'm sorry... I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm sorry. I don't want t–"
"I don't understand. Was it something I said? What did I do? I–"
"You didn't do anything wrong. This is all me. I hate to lead you on I... I don't want to lie anymore."
Toad's eyes filled with tears which would soon be washed away by the lake. Straining a sob, he dashed into the water and escaped to his ship. Mario sighed sadly and fell to the floor, crying.
"What have I done?" was the only thing he seemed to know how to say.

~~~~~~

Mario trudged into the Odyssey, exhausted. He looked at his map and put the coordinates to the Metro Kingdom.