The Skittle We Never Bit, But Sucked Intimately

Why can't She Have A Normal Fucking Birthday

[The following fanfiction is purely based off of jokes/ideas]
Author's note: There are no Broodles or talking hats because I'm lazy and didn't want to add in a million extra things. This means no Cappy/ Cappy's sister, no Cap or Cascade Kingdoms, and no moons because Mario has a more efficiently powered Odyssey.

One guest shouted and pointed at the obvious. "AHHHHHH! IT'S BOWSER!"
Screams could be heard throughout the entire kingdom
"Yeah, it's me!" Bowser yelled, tipping his hat at the crowd like a true gentleman. He looked down and to his left. "Princess, happy birthday!" he laughed. He jumped down next to her and picked her up in his giant claw. "Mario, I know you're here somewhere. It's a shame your princess isn't dressed for a wedding. Even more shameful that I'm marrying your girlfriend before you even get the chance to ask her! Bwahahaha!" He jumps back onto his ship, princess in hand.
Mario jumped up to try to grab on, but the ship was already too high. When it was finally out of view, Toadstools ran around the room, screaming and causing massive discord and chaos. Captain Toad was the one to take initiative and stand on the newly empty throne.
"Everyone, listen! Calm down and pay attention, damn it! This isn't new! Hey!"
The crowd stopped to look at Captain Toad and hear what he had to say.
"All right! You all know the drill. Single file out the door and continue business as usual. We all know that Bowser isn't coming back until the next big party we hold. Construction crew, come talk to my sister, Toadette about repairs. I'll be taking a research team to everywhere he might take the Princess. Now everyone, move out!"
The crowd seemed much calmer now as they walked to where they needed to be. Mario noticed none of the research team was even around. Then he remembered they had all been killed or lost during the last expedition. He looked back to the throne to see that Captain Toad was gone. He must have remembered it too and took it upon himself to do the research. Mario knew he couldn't stand around and do nothing; after all, he had too many things left to say to Princess Peach before she was forcibly married.
Mario thought about Bowser's suit. He seemed prepared for the wedding already. Why didn't he just do it there? Obviously he wanted full, official, legal control over the kingdom like the power hungry dragon he is, but maybe he was missing some things, like a ring.
He thought about all of the nearby kingdoms that weren't actually kingdoms because none of them had a king as he raced home to change into his normal clothes.
When he exited his house dressed in the cleanest overalls he could find, he realized he left his spaceship in the castle parking lot. He dashed to the castle to get it. The interior was decorated with pictures of his loved ones. Just Luigi and the captain, who had obviously taken the space cruiser provided by the kingdom. Mario flicked a lever and felt the ship shoot into the air. He peered out the window to see how the kingdom was faring without Captain Toad. The subjects were doing oddly a lot better than he had suspected considering all of their main authority figures were not available, nor would they be for at the very least another week.
Mario turned away from the window and sat at his desk in a black leather swivel chair. He spun around in it slowly, thinking to himself. "I never got the chance to tell her," he said to himself. "I should have just said it instead of avoiding her. Now she's kidnapped." He sighed and stopped spinning; he was getting dizzy.
He pulled out a map of the world and pointed to the Sand Kingdom, famous for its "Binding Band." That's just a dumb name for a wedding ring. Bowser will definitely try to steal it, he thought. Mario stood up, walked to the cockpit, and put in the coordinates to the Sand Kingdom. The screen lit up a happy white and showed the timer until his arrival. Mario stepped back and turned on a phonograph playing this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ