The Skittle We Never Bit, But Sucked Intimately

Honeylune Bitch

[The following fanfiction is purely based off of jokes/ideas]
Author's note: There are no Broodles or talking hats because I'm lazy and didn't want to add in a million extra things. This means no Cappy/ Cappy's sister, no Cap or Cascade Kingdoms, and no moons because Mario has a more efficiently powered Odyssey.
((Author's Note pt.2:: This is the last chapter, unfortunately. This whole thing actually started as a joke, but it has really turned into a joke that I'm proud of. I'm very glad that this is taking off, and I have loved writing this, so thanks to everyone who has read it, even involuntarily (I'm looking at you, Taylor.) That being said; I fucking hate the last chapter. The guide I've been using sucked at that level and kept dying and my patience was running thinner than my blood when I haven't taken my meds. I apologize; those last few chapters were pretty boring, but I swear on my life that the next one will be good. Thanks for sticking through it. Word count so far: ~11338))

The moon, where Mario had landed was nothing but dead, grey terrain. Church bells rang distantly from a clean, white, castle-like building kilometers away. The air was thin and icy. As he stepped buoyantly from the metal Odyssey ramp, Mario wiped away a drifting tear from his face. He took a deep breath and began walking the dusty path to the chapel. Eventually, he stepped onto a bright red carpet with yellow trim leading to the open doors of the church. There were white flowers hanging above them, wrapped in a gold fabric strip.
Mario stepped inside and heard a slow jazz rendition of the wedding march. At the end of the well-decorated hallway he was now in was a set of red doors with a yellow star in the center. Next to them, in a shiny purple leotard atop a pair of fishnet tights stood a lanky man with bad posture, hanging his head low, covered by his violet hat. The only visible part of his face were two long, jagged, black strips of hair protruding from beneath his nose. He was leaning against the white wall with his stilettoed foot pressed against it as well.
"So it's finally come to this, eh?" he grumbled in a nasal Boston accent.
"E-excuse me?" asked Mario.
"You're here. Everything you've ever done has led to this moment. It was inevitable. So why do you hesitate, boy?"
"I'm sorry, can I get your name?" Mario requested, sweating nervously.
"What's it to ya?" replied the stranger, looking up. His large eyes were beaded with a small pupil in the center, and they had a tired blue hue to their outsides. His well-defined nose was rosy pink and sat comfortably in the middle of his face. He had a rather prominent chin and a strong jaw. The tops of his eyes were lined with a thick set of false eyelashes underneath an equally dark pair of sharp brows.
Mario was immediately drawn into this handsome mystery.
"I've hurt a lot of people. I don't want this to be another mistake," he said.
"We all get hurt. You can choose to either be a little bitch about it, or understand the other side. If they don't forgive you, it's their problem. Don't think too hard about it. There's no success without failure." He removed himself from the wall and stepped toward the plumber. "Look, I don't know that we only live wahnce, but you gotta make the most of this wahn, right? Or learn for next time? Here," he said, revealing a small business card between his first two digits. "If you ever need anything, give me a call."
"Waluigi Berlusconi–Freelancer, Exotic Dancer, Psychologist, Hitman (unless you're a cop)– 1+(800)-555-6969," it read.
Then he turned around and headed to a small, white side door into the ceremony.
"Wait!" Mario called out.
Waluigi looked back to him with his hand on the door. "Yeah?" he asked.
"You're going to the wedding?"
"Of course I am!" he replied loudly. "What, you think I'm just gonna show up to sit in the hall? Come on! Bowser's an old friend o' mine. We used to... take care o' business together." He lowered his voice to a tender whisper. "He talks about you, y'know. You're a real pain in his ass." He smirked and walked through the door
"I wish I was in his ass," Mario mumbled.
Waluigi stepped back in. "Waht was that?" he asked.
"Nothing," Mario said quickly.
"Right." The sexy man winked and slipped back through the door, leaving Mario to dwell on his words...