Aaron Hotchner One-Shots

Dear Mom

Characters: Aaron Hotchner

Summary: Aaron finds himself visiting his mother's resting place

Warnings: sadness, angst, descriptions of child abuse, descriptions of domestic violence, death

A/N: I know you guys are gonna hate me for this one, but I had to

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Aaron always made a point to rarely talk about family at work. Family conversations brought a familiar discomfort to him, reminding himself of the days he lied so smoothly only to come back to a cold home. In the end, it always felt better to avoid it.

When Jack would ask him about his grandpa and grandma, Aaron stuck with the happy details, which meant he always talked a lot about his mom.

If he closed his eyes tight enough, he could still smell the freshly baked pies in the oven, feel her delicate arms wrapped around his awkward and lanky frame, he could feel her right there with him.

Telling Jack these stories helped him remember the good, but also the bad.

They worked hand in hand, like a scale. As Aaron's father always liked to say, for every action there was an equal opposite reaction. And most times, the action was something Aaron or his mother did to appease his father's wishes only to have him, the opposite reaction, repay them with bruises, black eyes, and bloodied lips.

When Sean was born, ten-year-old Aaron feared for the well-being of his baby brother but came to learn that the young boy would be shielded from whatever he and his mother had to endure.

He would be lying if he said a small part of him didn't resent him because Sean got the father Aaron always dreamed of having.

He remembered the way his mother protected Sean, and Aaron thought that maybe once his father died, she'd finally be able to breathe, but instead she froze.

She'd spent so long under his hand, flinching with his every move, and now she didn't know how to function without him.

And once Aaron married Haley and realized his mother would never be able to move forward he drifted, both from her and Sean, trying to distance himself from a life he wanted to forget and trying to desperately grasp onto the good memories, however fleeting they were.

He wasn't entirely sure what brought him to the cemetery that cloudy afternoon, hands shoved deep in his jacket pockets as he looked up at the headstone.

Loving Mother, Sister, and Wife

It made him swallow thickly, thinking of the inscription on Haley's headstone, worded exactly the same, placed in the exact same spot.

Both of them had died without even having the chance to live their lives to the fullest. Taken away by a man who only knew violence.

He carefully squatted down, allowing himself to sit on the slightly damp grass, wrapping his arms around his legs.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, his voice muffled by the sleeve of his jacket. "I...um I keep breaking my promises to you,"

He waited, almost as if he was expecting a response, wanting to hear the voice of his mother echo in his ears. Wanting to hear her tell him it was okay even though it never was.

"I promised I'd protect you, and you promised me that too. But I guess maybe it was just something we'd say to make ourselves feel better,"

His eyes flicked up to the sky as he felt one or two drops of rain fall against his forehead, sighing quietly before continuing.

"I promised I'd stay, but as soon as I had the chance I ran away. I-I ran away from dad, but in the end, I ran away from you too,"

He pressed his lips together tightly, feeling his teeth dig into his own skin as he tried to keep his emotions at bay.

"And Sean-," his voice trembled. "I tried mom, I tried so hard, but he kept pushing and pushing so I stopped. I stopped and now he's going to prison,"

He balled his fists, knuckles becoming white as the rain started to pour down.

"I think about you. All the time," he whispered. "And I tell Jack, all of the happy memories. L-Like when you taught me how to make grandma's favourite pie and I misread the recipe and put 8 sticks of butter instead of 8 tablespoons," he chuckled softly to himself through the tears, running down his face. "I think about you mom, even though I...I wasn't here when you left,"

He reached a hand forward, brushing up against the headstone as his tears mixed with the rain blurred his vision.

"I'm sorry I let you down mama," his voice cracked as he spoke, tattered and broken. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,"

And all it did was make Aaron remember, that in the end, it always felt better to avoid it.