How can I forget? | BILLIE EILISH

𝒯𝑒𝓃.

Jess's Pov-

"Billie," I spoke sadly, hesitant of saying anything else. Billie broke her eyes away from my face and turned her head, facing the ceiling.

"I know," She sighed. 

Listen, I know this is getting repetitive, but I was just scared. I knew she changed, I saw it, and there's honestly not a lot she needed to change. But when she cheated on me, with that UGLY ASS GUY, it really bothered me. 

That's the reason I didn't want to do long distance. Not just with her, but everyone. Every person I had been with long-distance, cheated on me and ended up breaking my heart. 

"Billie?" I asked. Billie hummed as a response, keeping her eyes on the ceiling. "Why'd you pick him?" 

"What are you talking about?" She asked, now turning her focus to me. 

"When I moved to New York and you went on tour with that...guy, why'd you choose him? Why'd you do it in the first place?"

"Well- I," Billie stuttered, "He was attractive, he was there, and I was lonely. Missing you fucked with my head because I thought you were with someone else, so in return, I did what I didn't want you to do,"

"Can I admit something to you?"

"Yeah, of course," 

"You wanna know why I haven't been the most honest with my feeling...I guess?"  Billie sat herself up and turned her focus into me more than it was before. "I don't want to get hurt again," I muttered, sighing out of relief.

"Is that what this is all about? Jess, it was a mistake and I don't know what else I can do to prove to you that I'm sorry. I've said it over and over and over again, what else can I do? I just want you happy, J," 

"I know you do, Billie. Please just don't take all of this the wrong way, that's not how I want any of this to go," I practically begged.

Billie fiddled with her fingers and looked anywhere but in my eyes. 

"You need to do what's best for you, okay? Just know that I love you, and I truly, truly mean it this time. And Addy, I love her like she's my own, as crazy as it is," Billie confessed.

I sighed again, not knowing how to respond. God, I just wanted to be her's, but every bone I had turned me against her. I opened my arms wide, inviting her in for a hug, as she gratefully took it.

Though, it was more gentle than passionate. Like she didn't want to hurt me.

* * * * 

Not even thirty minutes later, I was saying goodbye to Billie and exiting her house. All the good feelings were no more, and all I wanted to do was sleep. 

Billie and I were in a weird place now. Neither of us truly knows what we want. I'm pretty sure she wanted us to be together, and I just wanted to be around her.  My mind and body weren't ready for a full-on relationship. 

Another thing was, I was using her, and she didn't even notice. She was so lost on me that she didn't even realize the shit things I was doing to her. God, Billie, why were you so oblivious? 

And why was I letting it go on? 

I needed space, but I couldn't be alone with myself. My thoughts would eventually consume me. My thoughts would make me do things I should never do again. 

My mind quickly snapped back into reality when I saw bright headlights inch closer to me. 

"SHIT!" I yelled, quickly swerving my car back into its correct lane. The other car fiercely honked their horn at me. My chest began to rise and fall faster than it should've, causing my hands and legs to shake. 

From the sudden fear, tears filled my eyes and promptly fell onto my shirt. Jesus Christ.

Focus, Jess.

In an attempt to calm myself, I took slow deep breaths, in through my nose, out through my mouth. Y'know, the shit people teach you, that you never think you'll use. 

Did it help? Nope. Not at all. 

My eyes darted to the screen in my car, trying to figure out the time.

9:39 PM

Damn it. I needed to be back at my house at 9:30 so Amanda could leave for the night. Great.

I tried to get ahold of myself, and calm the unexpected panic attack I had experienced, because I needed to get back home as soon as possible. I zoomed off, not being as attentive to the traffic and road signs as I probably should've been. I just needed to get home to Addy. 

Once I reached the apartment complex, I pulled my car into an empty slot and nearly flew up the stairs. 

"Amanda, I am so sorry I'm late, there was stuff that came up, again I'm so sorry," I said, unlocking and opening the door. Amanda's eyes met mine causing some sort of comfort to flow through my system.

"You're all good," She chuckled, "She's fed, bathed, and out like a light," She said softly.

"Ugh, thank you so much," I breathed. Amanda stood up and made her way closer to me.

"No problem, Jess. She's an easy one for sure. If you need me again tomorrow, I'm free as of now," 

I paused myself before continuing to speak. A gentle closed-mouth smile crept on my face. "I think it's fine, I'm off, she's off, and I have nowhere else to be,"

"Alrighty then, byeee," Amanda waved goodbye and walked out of my door, leaving me alone. As terrible as being alone sounded, maybe sometimes it was necessary. 

But maybe sometimes it was deadly. Honestly, it was only a matter of time before it overthrew my body. 'God, Jess, why are you so fucking sad?'  I thought, hearing it in my mother's voice.

Why was I so sad?

I didn't have a reason. 

Or did I?

Without thinking too much more, I slowly entered Adelaide's bedroom and snuggled up next to her small body. No matter what I was going through, my little angel was always there to calm me. I sheltered her with my arms and peacefully dozed off to sleep.

A/N- These last like 2-3 chapters were difficult to write. I had no real idea as to where they were going, but hey, there's gonna be some interesting stuff coming up in the next five chapters so be looking forward to those ;) 
Also, this one is so much shorter than the others ones...I'm sorry I just lost motivation halfway through...ANYWAYSSS love you <3