How can I forget? | BILLIE EILISH

𝐸𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉𝑒𝑒𝓃

Jess's Pov-

!TALK OF ALCOHOLISM/RELAPSE/DEPRESSION!

I think my ceiling keeps getting more interesting every hour I stare at it. Maybe it even gets darker. 

And the days after a heavy relapse are miserable. Especially after a long sober streak.

Don't give me shit about it either. Boo-fucking-hoo. 

I haven't left my bed.

I haven't gone to rehab, but I probably do need to go now, right?

Addy's been doing fine with Tabitha, and they've had a good time so far.

I miss Addy so much. She was my little friend and then she was just taken from my arms.

And Billie, I've been avoiding her. I knew that if we talked or exchanged looks, I would tell her I relapsed, and she was the last person that needed to know. But God, I just wanted to hold her.

Cup her soft face with my hands and tell her she was loved and wanted and needed. I wanted to give her love. I wanted her.

She didn't deserve to see me like I was. I was filthy and she didn't deserve that. 

Billie tried to come over and check up on me, but I locked myself in my room and acted as if I wasn't even there. But don't worry, she knew I was alive, I texted her sometimes to let her know I hadn't fallen off the earth.

I had to get up today. I missed Billie and honestly, I just wanted to be in her arms. I felt safe there. I didn't feel safe in my own house. I was scared of what I might do.

But I wasn't going to see her. 

I forced myself out of my bed and went to the bathroom. I had covered up the mirrors a few days before because if I saw myself and who I was becoming, I knew I would lose any bit of sanity I did have.  

I turned the knob; a rush of hot water flew out immediately after. Just in that small exertion of energy exhausted me. Had I really gotten that bad?

It was just becoming worse.  

Nights would fly by and all I could do was lay on my bed, not under the covers, just on top of them, and have my eyes closed. 

Weeks would fly by, and I wouldn't eat or sleep. 

It was all I could do just to move. 

I was alone, no one to call or turn to. 

Lost.

But it was my fault. 

After my shower, I threw on a clean pair of sweats and a clean hoodie. It did make me feel better, but something just felt bad. 

And God, do not ask me what it was because I don't know. And honestly that's what bothers me more than anything. Not being able to pin-point what is bothering me so I'm just in this weird state of pain but can't fix it because I don't know what caused it.

I finally ventured into the living room but being away from my room felt too vulnerable.  I felt overly seen and exposed and it was terrifying. And Addy wasn't there running into my arms because she has just woken up, there was no one. Just me and my sick soul.

Empty liquor and beer bottles were scattered everywhere. I had been about a week since I had drunk, and every day sober was harder than the last. Not wanting to stay sober but forcing yourself to be is one of the most difficult things I have to deal with.

Just one drink and it'll all go away.

Just one drink and you'll feel that warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Just one drink and you might smile again.

Every thought burnt gaping holes in my mind. 

How come being sober was so difficult but caving in and relapsing was so fucking easy? 

Any minor inconvenience would send me over the edge, and I would stare at a bottle for hours until I finally opened it and drank it. 

Before I wandered too far, and ruined everything I had going for me, I stumbled back into my bedroom.

Why did I feel like this? 

Did I deserve it?

My phone buzzed, making me jump.

New Message From: Lainey

Lainey: Can I see Adelaide please? I'm in L.A. 

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I opened her message but didn't answer her. What the fuck was I supposed to say? Oh sure, you can see the child that CPS practically BEGGED me to take because she was unsafe with YOU. 

Which was true. I was already planning on taking Adelaide, but before CPS knew that, they were constantly asking me when the soonest I could get us out of there was.

Instead of coming up with an answer to Lainey, I texted Billie.

To: Bil<3

Me: Billie, Lainey is in L.A. and wants to see Addy and I don't know what the fuck to do because Addy is with Tabby and if Lainey gets my address, she can do anything to me she wants.

Billie: Baby, breathe. She won't find you or Addy, okay? You guys are going to be okay, call Tabitha and tell her about Lainey. I'll be over at your place in a few, is that okay?

Me: Okay, but don't come over, please? I don't wanna see anyone

Billie: I'm not just anyone Jess, I'm your girlfriend, which you seem to be forgetting, but I've been letting it go because you're going through so much right now. Please, Jess, just let me see you

I starred at my screen. My eyes were burning. 

Billie was worried, and she had every right to be, but I couldn't let her see me in such a mess. My bedroom floor was trashed, my kitchen had dirty dish mounds, and the living room was those two rooms combined.

Me: Listen, I know you're worried about me, but I just want to be alone. Please just let me be alone, Billie.

*READ*

Great. 

Not only was she worried but she was pissed too. 

I turned off my phone completely so I could get no more notifications or calls or interruptions.

And yes, I could have just turned on DND but just shutting it down was easier. More relieving in a sense.

My room was cold and dark. The ceiling was still intriguing, my bed still comforting. I was just on a loop of feelings and days.

A cycle that just repeats.

Sad

Anger

Numb

Asleep.  

Those four things are what I felt for the longest time. 

Sad

Anger

Numb

Asleep. 

It didn't seem like it would ever stop. It felt like I was going to feel like that forever, you know? Like when you get so bad, and so deep into your head you don't ever think you can get out. 

It's almost like someone pushing you into the deep end of the pool when they know you can't swim. And then once you realized what just happened your body begins to panic, causing you to breathe through your nose and swallow the water. Your eyes are burning because of their sudden clash with the chlorine filled water. If you're lucky you at least had some air in your lungs, but if you were panicking viciously, you were running out of air. 

Being thrown in the deep end feels like you'll never really hit the bottom, but you know it's not far. You sink far enough for it take ages until your head finally breaks through the water. 

That is what it feels like in my head. I'm drowning. 

But I'm in a public pool and the lifeguards aren't present.