Aurelia || SERIES ROMANA I

Chapter 48 ~ Mala memoria

Dissatisfied, Gaius fumbled with the clasp of his breastplate. He had been sitting on the stone next to the paddock since daybreak, waiting for father. Father had promised yesterday to teach him further in chariot driving and so Gaius sat on his stone and waited patiently. The soldiers who passed him greeted him cheerfully.
Here in Father's camp, he felt at home. In Rome he had worn a toga praetexta like the other boys of his age and standing. With the broad purple stripes at the hem, it had looked exactly like father's senatorial toga. But the thick, heavy wool was not suitable for life in the camp, and so Gaius had been allowed to wear a uniform like father and the legionaries. In any case, the legionnaires treated Gaius like one of their own. Mostly they called him by the nickname they had given him when he had been little. Caligula, soldier's boot. They'd called him that affectionately ever since he could remember.
As long as he was in the camp, he was comfortable. But Drusus and Nero, his two older brothers, had never led that life, so they had teased him about it every chance they got in Rome. Mother had become angry and had punished them both. Later, she had come to him and told Gaius that his brothers envied him because they didn't get to spend as much time with Father as he did. Their attacks had become more subtle after that, but every time they called him Caligula it sounded like a nasty swear word. Fortunately, father and mother hadn't left him with amita Livia in Rome like his other siblings.
Here in the camp in this hot place, there was only mother, father and little Julia Livilla, who had left mother's womb a while ago. Julia was tiny and cute. Not as mean and rough as Nero and Drusus. Though she couldn't talk yet and really only slept all day, he knew from his other sisters that she would eventually start acting like a human.
His impatience grew. He would have liked to get up and do something, but in a camp every man had to take his place and his place was to wait patiently for father here on this stone as he did every morning. Duty, discipline, and comradeship held a legion together. Father was the leader of the camp, and he would never intentionally keep Gaius waiting. Surely, he was just doing his duty and so it behoved Gaius to wait as a good son.
In his head he pictured the adventures that father always told him about before he went to sleep. Father was a true hero who did everything for his country. True heroes fell in heroic battles, but to Gaius, his father was invincible. His father was no Achilles or Hector, much less Ajax. His father was Germanicus, a living legend. When Gaius grew up one day, he wanted to be just like father.
Suddenly someone called his name and pulled him out of his world of adventure. Gaius looked around alertly and discovered his father's body slave Ermaias running hurriedly towards him. Relieved, the Greek came to a halt in front of him.
"I've been looking everywhere for you, young master," the slave brought out, breathing heavily. "Your mother sent me. You are to come to her at once."
Gaius immediately jumped from his stone and ran beside Ermaias, who could only with difficulty adjust his haste to Gaius' short legs. Again and again, the Greek had to admonish himself and quietly apologized for his errant behaviour. Something about the slave sent Gaius into a panic, which he swallowed expertly. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong - no matter how many times he told himself he was imagining things.
After what seemed like an eternity, they reached father's tent and Ermaias hastily looked around on all sides before hastily folding back the tarp and almost dragging Gaius inside the spacious field tent. Low murmurs of voices emanated from father's sleeping area and Ermaias signalled Gaius to move on.
With a pounding heart, Gaius entered the sleeping area. Everyone was gathered around father's narrow bed, where he still lay with his eyes closed. Immediately he registered the presence of the doctors, mother's worried expression, and the beads of sweat on father's forehead. Suddenly Gaius remembered that father had not been well after last night's supper. Immediately, he mentally scolded himself for forgetting this and leaving for the training ground this morning as a matter of course. How careless of him. He would be a better son in the future.
Mother was the first to raise her eyes and failed miserably in her attempt to smile. Her eyes were empty, and fear struck him squarely in the heart with its sharp claws. Silently, she pointed to the spot next to her and once he was with her, she gently pushed him in front of her, placed a hand on his shoulder from behind and absentmindedly pressed a kiss to his hair. Father moaned softly and unintentionally; mother clawed her hand firmly into his shoulder. Gaius winced slightly and the pressure on his shoulder immediately eased. Apologetically, she ran her hand through his hair. Uncertain, he turned to face mother.
"What...?" he put in, but mother shook her head determinedly. Father's head tilted in her direction and his eyelids fluttered. He opened his eyes with difficulty and his lips twisted into a wry smile as he recognized his son. Sluggishly, he reached out for him, and mother gently pushed him toward father. Without hesitation, Gaius grasped father's far too warm hand.
"My son," father whispered, squeezing his hand. "Listen to me well now. Your brothers are corrupt and will amount to nothing in Rome. Their insatiable ambition coupled with their stupidity will bring them down one by one. But you are different from them. I recognize so much of myself in you, so you must promise me to survive. You're smart and full of potential. Use your talents. Take care of your sisters and your mother. But above all, my dear Gaius, survive. You can do anything you set your mind to, if only you survive. I firmly believe that one day you will take the place that will now forever be denied to me."
Behind him, mother sobbed out, and dumbfounded, Gaius looked behind him. Silent tears streamed down her beautiful face; her gaze fixed on father. Seriously, he turned back to father.
"Do you promise, my son?" father urged, straightening with difficulty, his face contorted in pain, and clutching Gaius' hand so tightly it hurt. But Gaius didn't make a face. His pain was less than father's, so why should he complain when father did not?
"I promise, father," Gaius replied sternly, gently returning the pressure, and father sank back into the pillows.
"You are truly the best son a man could ask for," father murmured and began to cough. He immediately turned his face away from Gaius and put his free hand to his mouth. When he pulled it away after his fit, blood was on it. Resignedly, he eyed her, then looked over Gaius' shoulder at mother.
"Now we know for sure it was poison," he gave dryly, and mother sniffled. Poison? Who would poison a hero like father? What would be the point of such a crime? Father coughed again and Gaius clung to his hand. Father is dying, Gaius thought in horror. The empire, the legionnaires, Gaius - they all needed father. Father simply could not die. It wasn't right.
As soon as father's body calmed, he gently withdrew his hand and ran it tenderly through his hair. Regretfully, he turned his gaze to Ermaias at the entrance to the sleeping area.
"Get him out of here, I don't want him to see me like this," father ordered and while Ermaias grabbed Gaius by the arm, Gaius clung to father's hand again. Pleading, he looked into father's eyes, which were as clear and blue as the sky. Tormented, father returned his gaze.
"Go, my Gaius," he ordered him softly. "Go and become a legend. I love you very much, my son"
Then father nodded to Ermaias, and he pulled Gaius firmly away from his father's bed. Gaius offered no resistance. Why should he? He could not win this fight. The slave was much stronger than he, a boy of seven. Father smiled sadly after him while mother sat on the edge of his bed and gently felt his forehead as she did Gaius when he was ill. Before the tarp lowered behind him, Gaius saw his parents look deeply into each other's eyes as father's body began to shake with a spasm.
Immediately he wanted to return to his father's side, but Ermaias inexorably pulled him on. Gaius barely noticed as they left the tent, and the Greek told the guards outside that Gaius was not to enter the tent again under any circumstances. All the while, Gaius could do nothing but stare down in wonder at his quivering hand. As the Greek turned away, Gaius tried to slip through the tarp behind him on impulse, but the guards got a hold of him and pulled him away. Suddenly, Gaius felt his emotions, which he had so long maintained with the discipline he had so ironcladly acquired in camp, threaten to overtake him.
He hurriedly turned on his heel and stormed without regard for his dignitas to the only place where he was allowed to lose control: the tent of his sister, Julia Livilla. This time, no one stopped him from entering the tent. No sooner had he folded back the tarp than he rushed to his sister, who was squirming in her crib, and gently lifted her up. Surprised, little Julia fell silent and looked out of huge eyes into her brother's face. From an adjoining wing the nurse suddenly appeared in the room.
"Come to see your sister, young master?" asked the Gaul, delighted.
"Get out!", Gaius barked roughly at the slave, fear flickering in her eyes. But Gaius was far too busy hiding his feelings from the slave to notice her fear of him. Hastily, she started to move and as soon as her hurried footsteps had faded, Gaius lost control of himself. The sob that had already been in his throat when he had grasped Father's hand burst from him and with it the tears. Startled, Julia began to cry as well and Gaius slid to the floor with her in his arms. Julia reached out her little arms to him as if to comfort him and Gaius hid his face against his little sister's shoulder. Only now did he realize that he would never see Father again. Yet there was still so much that father had wanted to show him and teach him. There were still so many stories that father had not yet been able to tell and would never tell him again. He needed his father and life without him would be bleak and joyless. Yet someone had robbed him of his father. But equally he wept for the loss of his sister, who would have no memories of father. Who would never hear him laugh or joke. Who would never throw her high in the air when he came home at night. Never in his life had he felt so lost.

Drenched in sweat, Gaius roused himself from his dream, his heart racing, tears streaming down his face, his whole body trembling. He looked around hurriedly and in the glow of the sunlight he recognized his chambers in Rome.
Completely finished, he stretched out his arm, but the bed next to him was cold. Agonized, he ran his hand through his soaking wet hair and closed his eyes. Aurelia was already gone to learn the secrets of the Bona Dea. Selfishly, he wished she were with him. Instead, he pulled her pillow to him, held it to his nose, and inhaled deeply her soothing scent. Slowly, his heartbeat slowed, and the trembling of his body subsided.
His father Germanicus had been a true hero, a legend. True heroes fell in heroic battles. But father had not died in service to Rome. Rome had destroyed him out of jealousy and greed, so father had not received the dignified death he was supposed to. Nor had Gaius been able to look after his mother. His mother had never gotten over father's murder, but since the prime suspect had chosen to commit suicide rather than face the tribunal, she had never been able to present any evidence of that to Tiberius. Somewhere along the way, she'd stopped trusting the people around her - especially not the people in her family. Nero fell, then Drusus, and finally his mother. Now Gaius had no family other than his sisters and his Aurelia.
Suddenly, the bed seemed far too big for Gaius without Aurelia. Agitated, he got up and stood under the splashing water of the shower bath. As soon as he left his chambers, he had to function. The ludi plebi were over, and the Senate would meet today. Gaius could not afford weakness.
Finally, the last client of the day left his study and Gaius closed his eyes, grateful for the silence. By now, a severe headache plagued him. To his own chagrin, his emotions were still stirred by his memory of father's murder, and he longed for Aurelia's smile that would make him forget all that was bad.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Gaius reluctantly opened his eyes. Had he forgotten an event he had to attend? His secretary poked his head in and quietly said that another visitor had asked to speak with him briefly.
"Let him in," Gaius ordered, sitting up straight, and putting on a polite expression. Aurelia called it his imperial face, though he still didn't quite know what to make of this strange allusion to his epithet.
Nonchalantly, his good friend Vespasian strolled into the room and grinned broadly at him. Immediately Gaius stood up and came towards his friend. Smiling broadly, he held out his arm to him and Vespasian grasped it.
"What can I do for you?" asked Gaius, and Vespasian was fooling around, saying he would like to be Aedile next year. Yet the election was long through, and Vespasian's office confirmed. Gaius rolled his eyes and repeated his question.
"I figured you might need a break from your lickspittles and supplicants," Vespasian explained. "And since we've hardly had the chance to talk undisturbed lately, this kind of meeting seemed ideal to me."
Gratefully, Gaius called for wine, and shortly their cups clinked companionably. It was good to talk with Vespasian. After they had covered all the current topics of conversation, Vespasian inquired about Aurelia. Immediately Gaius grew serious.
"I am very happy and grateful that she has taken me as her husband," he replied quietly. "She would have been glad to speak to you away from the banquets, but she is serving the Bona Dea now, or I would have invited her to join us long ago."
"Is she really just supposed to learn the rituals for the one night in this snake-infested temple, or did you secretly task her with asking the goddess for something else? After all, the Bona Dea is a fertility goddess that many married women ask for quite a bit of help," his friend wanted to know, wiggling his eyebrows meaningfully. Gaius just scowled at him.
"As long as Macro and Gemellus conspire against me, a child, already born or not, would be at too great a risk," he replied dryly, staring gloomily out the window. Lost in thought, he sipped his goblet. I wonder if Aurelia wanted children. He had never asked her, but things were so different in her time. Somewhere over there was the secretive Temple of Bona Dea, initiating Aurelia into the secrets of his time that would forever remain hidden from him. Vespasian raised his hands placatingly, drawing Gaius' attention back to himself.
"I'm just saying," he replied calmly. "The people would be happy to hear the news, and the promise of an heir alone would strengthen your position. If Aurelia catches the eye of the Bona Dea, she will certainly be eager to grant such a request"
Gaius remained silent and continued to stare out the window. After a while, he heard the rustle of clothes and the scrape of a chair on the floor, then distant footsteps. Gaius pretended not to notice. On the threshold, his friend turned to him once more.
"You are the princeps, Gaius," he reminded him, and reluctantly Gaius turned his head to him. "You will never be truly safe. Each of your children will be in danger with every breath they take because your blood runs through their veins. The birth of my niece and nephew has made my brother a better, but more importantly, happier man. Don't block yourself from that happiness just because you're afraid of losing it"