Aurelia || SERIES ROMANA I

Chapter 84 ~ Reditus

The slowly setting sunbathed the city of the seven hills in its golden light and lent it something magical, as if it were a wonderful dream. But this picturesque idyll was deceptive. Aurelia had had to learn that in the past years. It was different just to read about a story than to suddenly take on a significant role in it. In the past two months of her absence, not a day had passed in which this city had not dominated her thoughts. Nor had she experienced a few nights when she had not dreamt of it. Rome was not only the centre of a world empire. It was the centre of her life, which ironically was in her heart. Her life was as irrevocably linked to the fortunes of Rome as vice versa. Antonia had written to her in one of her letters that she would now no longer be called the Roman Helen. The people now referred to her as mater matriae. She was worried about both nicknames. The first was too Greek and the second, well she was only a woman, and her senators must have been a thorn in her side by now with this exaggerated title of honour - especially because they had not bestowed it on her. So, she would be careful not to call herself the mother of the motherland until the senate saw her as such.
But what really worried her was how right the people were about her role as mother. Clemens and her staff had so far not let Aurelia's renewed pregnancy leak out, and the magistrates and guests who had received her at the Gulf of Naples remained ironically silent. By now she could no longer hide her pregnancy and she hoped that her position had already been sufficiently consolidated. For the storm of the Senate would come. She knew that only too well. When everything was so up in the air, she always felt so helpless and powerless. There was still too much that was completely beyond her control.
"Are you not feeling well, mom?" an uncertain voice whispered, snapping her out of the world of her thoughts. She quickly detached herself from the breath-taking sight of the all-dominating city they were inevitably approaching and focused all her attention on the little boy sitting next to her, eyeing her intently. Aurelia would have loved to tell her son how sick the uncertainty made her. It drove her to the brink of madness to fantasise the various scenarios of her return and at the same time to make plans so that they would not come to pass. But his big, golden child's eyes looked at her with innocent concern that she could not put this burden on him. Julius was still a child. Gaius and she had to live long enough for his childhood to be happy. Rome was his home, a vast playground. She simply couldn't take that illusion away from him. Not yet. He would grow up soon enough. Automatically a smile came to her lips, and she brushed a tangled curl from his face.
"It's all right, my darling," she assured him and quickly changed the subject. While he excitedly told her about a new game he was dying to show Titus, she slowly began to relax. Unconsciously, she placed a hand on her stomach and was pleased with the little nudge she felt. Julius had been completely thrilled by the news that he would soon be a big brother. He could not wait, but surprisingly, he did not utter a word about his mother's pregnancy to outsiders, as if he felt the importance of keeping this secret.
After dark, the raeda rumbling over the cobblestones finally came to a halt and for a precious moment, mother and son were surrounded by silence. Then Clemens barked an order and, as if in a play, everyone suddenly found themselves in their appointed places, taking their predetermined roles. Aurelia suppressed a sigh while Julius was already jumping out of the carriage and offering his hand to help her. The sight warmed her heart and brought a radiant smile to her face. Quickly she straightened up, grabbed his little hand and got out of the carriage. She was not too heavy handed yet.
As the cool night air hit her bones, she instinctively pulled her coat tighter around her and turned to look at Clemens. But he was too busy coordinating with the other Praetorians to notice her. She looked questioningly at Julius, who was trying with all his might not to tremble. Reassuringly, she nodded at him and together they walked into the warm atrium. There the slaves were already busy bringing their luggage upstairs. Out of nowhere a young kitchen slave appeared, if she remembered correctly his name was either Ariovist or Gorovist. In his hands he held a tray of refreshments.
"Has my sister-in-law arrived yet?", Aurelia asked the boy as she took one of the goblets, but before he could answer her, Julia's voice was already calling her name. She quickly turned to the caller and Julius cocked his head. He was probably already looking for his friends. But Aurelia's smile froze only when Julius' gaze lingered on her stomach and her sister-in-law feverishly tried to understand the situation for a moment.
Aurelia gently stroked Julius' head, then signalled Julia to follow her and marched off in the direction of Gaius' study. She could not delay this conversation any longer.
In her study, Aurelia thought for a moment, then called for Prunia and told her to bring them some wine. Julia would need it. Silently, Julia entered the room and looked around uneasily. She had probably never seen it from the inside. Briefly, Aurelia considered sifting through the letters that had arrived while they waited for Prunia's return, but perhaps this was not the best course. So, she put on a polite smile and inquired about Julia's condition. Torn from her thoughts, Julia blinked briefly, then picked up the subject and a brief, innocuous conversation developed between them.
Only when a full goblet of wine was in Julia's hands and the door closed behind Prunia did Julia fall silent, folding her arms in front of her chest and waiting for Aurelia to begin speaking.
Aurelia brushed a loose strand of hair from her face with a sigh and withstood Julia's probing gaze. She had done nothing wrong. At least that was what she had been telling herself for months. In a confident voice and striving for a matter-of-fact tone, Aurelia briefly described her view of the events since she had learned of her pregnancy. After a while, Julia sank powerlessly onto one of the chairs and shook her head in bewilderment. Aurelia almost felt sorry for her. Hiding her reluctance, Aurelia sat down on the second armchair and came to talk about Agrippina's betrayal.
"Why didn't you just explain everything to me?" Julia wanted to know when Aurelia had finished and eyed her stunned. Before she could affirm that she understood Aurelia, Aurelia leaned forward and ignored the scent of the heavy perfume that hit her nose. She could not afford to show weakness now.
"I am not in a position where I can afford to make another mistake," she said in a firm voice. "I cannot take a chance and risk the safety of our entire family. Agrippina has not only betrayed me, but all of us. How can you look me in the eye and say you would have helped me when I have this?"
With those words, Aurelia pulled a stack of letters from a fold of her dress and dropped them into Julia's lap. Every single letter was addressed to Gaius and contained a request to mediate between his wife and sister. Clemens had intercepted them all. He had proven his unwavering loyalty time and again since Capri.
Julia swallowed hard as she recognised her own seal and redness rose up her neck into her cheeks. Her breathing quickened. Was she ashamed or afraid? Aurelia was sure it was a mixture of both. Aurelia had always known that the Julio-Claudian dynasty had not been a normal family. But to be able to observe their tendency to intrigue and self-destruction with her own eyes again and again surprised her more than she had assumed. Would she manage to change this family from the ground up?
"I thought that perhaps my brother should know about this," Julia began to justify herself in a clenched voice, her hands clutching convulsively at the scrolls.
"Gaius has more important things to attend to," Aurelia objected quietly, returning Julia's tear-blurred gaze calmly. "He has a country to conquer and while he is away, I will watch his back in Rome so that nothing distracts him from his duty to our country and our people."
For a while they sat together in silence, examining each other closely. Suddenly Julia jumped from her chair, marched to the fireplace and threw the letters into the fire. With a mighty hiss, the papyrus burst into flames that consumed it within a few moments. All that remained was a pile of ashes on the gently burning logs. Aurelia watched with interest as her sister-in-law turned to her with a flourish and a new determination entered her eyes.
"I will not make the same mistake as my sister. I trust your judgement and I will keep no more secrets from you. I will do as you wish of me," Julia declared solemnly and a fine smile spread across Aurelia's face. Perhaps it was not too late for their family to become a real family after all - for they would never be able to be normal.