Aurelia || SERIES ROMANA I

Chapter 85 ~ Io Saturnalia I

22nd December 41 AD

Normally, the Saturnalia was a boisterous and exceedingly lively festival. Before Aurelia had travelled in time, she had always imagined the Saturnalia as a kind of ancient carnival. After all, for one day slaves and masters exchanged roles. It was a time when jokes were allowed, so not every word could automatically be taken at face value. But these were the first Saturnalia without Gaius and Agrippina and Aurelia missed both of them more than she wanted to admit. It was a strange feeling to see how few members of her family were at home. For apart from Gaius, Claudius, Sabinus and Vespasian, who had always managed to make her laugh and lend a certain lightness to these celebrations, were especially absent. The fact that they were all at war put a small damper on the exuberant mood for Aurelia.
Nevertheless, she tried to make the most of these few days off at the end of the year and gave her son all her attention. For hours they sat together while Aurelia read to him, or they made up stories together. Julius possessed a flourishing imagination and already had a great talent for words. He would become an excellent orator one day.
One evening, after all their guests had returned to their own villas, Julius sat on his bed with his knees bent, staring unaccustomedly out at the torchlit city below. He did not notice his mother entering his room. The boy was too deeply absorbed in the world of his own thoughts. Concerned, Aurelia put down the book she had wanted to read to him before he fell asleep. Gingerly she stepped closer before sitting down gingerly on the edge of the bed and placing her hand gently on his small child's hand. Julius did not flinch, but he intertwined their fingers. He kept his gaze fixed stubbornly on the city below them. A few minutes passed, but the boy remained in his thoughtful position. Just as Aurelia was about to inquire what was troubling him so much, Julius suddenly said in a strangely lifeless voice, "Titus told me today that his father was wounded in battle because he took a hit that was meant for father."
Aurelia's insides froze into ice. Gaius had asked her not to tell Julius, which had been very difficult. After all, he had not concealed Vespasian's use in his last deed report, which she had read out to the entire Senate. Since then, no one in the Senate had whispered about Vespasian's high post behind her back. Vespasian was now a hero. It was only natural that Titus should be proud of his father. But it deeply worried Aurelia how her son handled this news. Julius was very inquisitive and bright, but he was not prone to melancholy.
"There are still so many things father wants to do with me," the boy murmured more to himself. "What if he dies like his father before he has the chance?"
Her whole body tensed. Aurelia would have loved to take her son in her arms and promise him that everything would be all right. How she would have loved to tell him that Gaius would be back with them very soon and that he would do all the things with Julius that he had promised his son. But she couldn't and that knowledge tore her up inside. None of them were safe - neither Gaius at war nor she at home.
Aurelia mustered all her strength and kept control of her body. Weak, she was useless, and Julius needed her to leave that dark part of his mind and not break from it one day.
"Whatever happens. However, much time may separate us. Your father is never more than a heartbeat away," Aurelia whispered, nudging his chest gently with her index finger. Wide-eyed, the boy looked at the spot she touched. Then he jerked his head up and smiled tentatively at her. Dark shadows still lurked in his golden eyes.
"Are your parents even a heartbeat away?" he wanted to know, and his naïve question was like a slap in the face. Burning tears welled up in her eyes as her mind conjured up the slowly fading image of her parents. Would she ever see them again? And if so, at what cost? She missed them so much. She missed her mother's warmth and advice. But she also missed her father's jokes and their conversations. What would her parents say if they could see her here? They had only ever wanted Aurelia to be happy and this life at this time made her so infinitely happy, even if she had to do without the love of the people who had always been her most important points of reference. Because right here was the place where she had always belonged.
"Yes, my darling. Some bonds are so strong that no force on earth can separate them," she replied in a choked voice and opened her arms. Immediately Julius snuggled against her and some of her sadness faded.
"Our love will always be with you, Julius," she whispered and pressed a kiss to his hair. "And even if you don't always see us, your father and I will always be with you. Just as my parents are with me everywhere and at all times."