Aurelia || SERIES ROMANA I

Chapter 61 ~ Perfectum Obscurum

28th January 38 AD

Slowly the basilica filled up and the jumble of wildly chattering voices, which at first had only formed a gentle murmur in the background, swelled more and more and became harder and harder to block out. With each face Claudius could make out in the growing crowd, the excitement inside him grew. He could still watch the proceedings in the shadow of a pillar, but soon he would have to take his place on the prosecutor's bench in what was probably the most important trial of the year.
All his life, his family had looked down on him because he was different. Even as a child he had stuttered, was sicklier than his siblings, one mishap after another happened to him and then he had also limped. Unlike his brother Nero, who was five years older, Claudius was a disappointment to his parents. He felt that, even if they didn't say it at the time. He remembered all too well the day one of his countless language teachers had managed his stammer. He was fifteen at the time. Overflowing with happiness, Claudius had left his teacher and hurried to Nero's house. In Nero's stately library, Claudius had proudly quoted the beginning of the Iliad fluently to his hero. His big brother was his idol and Claudius had done everything to become just like him. For Nero was handsome, clever and whatever he did, he succeeded. Seeing him amazed delighted Claudius. But his joy vanished when Nero stood up without a word and, making sure they were alone, checked every corner of his library. Only then did Nero step up to him, grabbed him by the shoulders and implored him with a fiery gaze not to tell anyone about what Claudius had achieved today. Bare fear was reflected in Nero's eyes. Ice-cold rage had seized Claudius, which was why he gruffly tried to shake the brother off. But Nero had always been so much stronger than him and so his attempts failed miserably.
"Why can't you just be happy for me?" continued Claudius, aggrieved, and stopped struggling against his brother's firm grip. "You will always be the first choice! Then why can't you indulge me in this little success? Why should I keep it a secret that I don't need more hours to write a simple sentence? Why are you so..."
"Brother," Nero interrupted him forcefully. "Don't you see what kind of world we live in? Gaius was found dead this morning! Not even two years ago his brother Lucius died - at least that's what the public believes. But two young, healthy men don't just die - especially when they are the heirs to the most powerful man in the state. Someone murdered them because they were in the way. Whoever succeeds in our family becomes a target! Do you want to be successful, or do you want to live long? One day your time will come, I promise. But you won't live to see that day if you make rash decisions."
Thunderstruck, Claudius looked up at his big brother. At last, he understood the fear in Nero's eyes. For Nero was not at all afraid of being upstaged by Claudius' new options. Nero was afraid for him. Nero had always protected him as best he could from everything. Slowly, Claudius understood that Nero was giving him a way to escape from a life controlled by others from their family. Did Claudius really want to become like his brother? Did he want to marry a woman his family chose for him? Did he want to hold the offices his family intended for him? Did he want to lead armies whose victories would be attributed not to him but to the head of their family? Did he want to shine brightly in danger of going out far too soon?
Thoughtfully, Claudius nodded, reassured, Nero pulled him close, and Claudius enjoyed this rare, small gesture of affection, which he received only from Nero within their family.
Still deep in thought, Claudius returned to his childhood home and was able to slip into his room unseen. He skipped dinner. The next morning, his language teacher suffered a nervous breakdown after Claudius' stuttering had become worse overnight than ever before.

And now he was standing here. In the midst of loud faces that had mocked and despised him, even though he had simply chosen life itself. None of them understood how to be part of his family. A few months after his conversation with Nero, Augustus had named Tiberius his new heir and Tiberius had named Nero his successor. Nero married Agrippina and led a life in the public eye, while Claudius crawled further and further into the shadow of his radiant brother, whom they henceforth called Germanicus in tribute. Not five years after Augustus' death, Germanicus was poisoned and all potential successors systematically wiped out: all except Germanicus' little golden boy Gaius and him, Claudius, the stuttering cripple in the shadows. And now Claudius stood here in front of all the people who had looked down on him, mocked him and made him small. Could he really risk dropping his mask and be the true brother of the great Germanicus?
Suddenly, a warm, small hand rested on his forearm and pulled him out of this whirlpool of memories and questions he could not answer. Questioningly, the deep blue eyes of Aurelia Vespasia bored into his and held him captive. In many ways, this young woman reminded him of his late sister-in-law Agrippina. Like Agrippina, Aurelia did not perish at her husband's side, but flourished and strengthened him. Her intelligence also rivalled her beauty.
"Is everything all right?" she inquired softly, her sincere interest reassuring Claudius. In a whisper he confessed his nervousness to her. Her gaze became more penetrating, as if she were probing the depths of his soul.
"Perfection is inhuman," she finally said, peering past him into the basilica. By now Claudius had become accustomed to having more philosophical conversations with Aurelia than with most men he knew. "Our faults and weaknesses are the things that make us, and we can turn them into our strengths if we want to. Cicero never got rid of his stammer, but it didn't stop him from becoming the greatest voice of his time. Two thousand years from now, people will still remember him, read his speeches and look forward to hearing his voice resound just once. It is time to emerge from the shadows."
No sooner had her last word faded than she gave him an encouraging nod, pulled her veil in front of her face and dived deeper into the shadows. Claudius' gaze thoughtfully followed her delicate figure as she walked unerringly towards a side entrance of the basilica. Directly next to the inconspicuous door stood a tall man who deftly concealed his face turned towards the ground with the folds of his toga. Light-footedly, Aurelia Vespasia stepped next to the man, who looked up. His toga slipped and for a brief moment the man returned Claudius' gaze. He gave him an encouraging, wry smile that was painfully similar to his father. Then Gaius tugged his toga into place and gently grasped his consort's hand. Claudius took a deep breath, assumed a straight posture and turned away. Germanicus' murderer had escaped his earthly trial by committing suicide. Afterwards, Claudius had sent anonymous tips to his mother, which she had used to overthrow Sejanus, on whose orders Germanicus' entire family had almost been wiped out. After little Gaius had taken his place at the head of the state, Claudius had vowed to do everything he could to help Germanicus golden boy. For him he had had Gaius appointed consul and soon Macro would be ushered in, who like Sejanus before him had tried to do away with Claudius' kinsman. For this Claudius would destroy Macro. No one would ever dare threaten his family again. In the depths of his heart, Claudius felt that his time had now come. With firm, confident steps, Claudius strode to the accuser's place and finally took his place in the family.