My Life Good And Bad

update

Yeah I know here I go again and it hasn't been that long since I updated the last chapter.

So hi hello I'm back again updating my book and I understand. Like not how many people read it but it's one of my only outlets to let out my emotions anymore cuz like I want to talk to people and I want people to listen to me but that's not what happened and even sometimes with my friends I feel like I'm being ignored I feel like I'm being left out I feel like I'm being shut down feel like I'm being pushed aside. And when I'm with my girlfriend and her friends it kind of feels worse it's not because of her just I just feel like I don't fit in I feel like I don't belong I feel like I'm just a nuisance to her when she's with her friends or with her family in some way. And I know she probably doesn't feel like that and I know she probably thinks the world of me or something but that's not how I'm feeling and I don't know how to word this to anybody make it sound like I'm a saddle like a selfish person or sound like I'm jealous or anything like that cuz I don't feel jealous I don't feel like that at all I'm just tired of feeling lonely all the time I'm tired of having thoughts of hurting myself and having thoughts of people hating me and talking behind my back and everything. Cuz it feels like every time I turn around there is something I can't control and I will completely shut down about it and I won't be able to function and I won't be able to do anything. Hurts to do stuff like that it really does and I don't understand why at all. The worst of it all is I will start feeling so insecure so horrible about myself on one little thing and one little occasion can I get my girlfriend going out with meeting with her friends at a restaurant called Hooters and me feeling very like insecure about myself very self-conscious very like anxiety like like I don't know how to explain it something like that and I know she want to do anything and I know I know I do I've been hurt I've been used. And I know she wouldn't do any of they to me at all. And I know she's not like all of my bad ex's in the past and I know she loves me and I know I love her more than anything as well. But I just feel so small so useless so like nothing when it comes to that stuff cuz well I'm a trans demi guy and it honestly sucks cuz I can't do the things that sh might need me to do or whatever and I know I'm certainly not her type at all so yeah. I just don't know anymore  I just feel kinda numb to certain things now and it sucks. I only really feel something when I'm with my friends (sometimes) or my girlfriend.  Cuz when I'm at home I don't feel happy I don't feel like safe at all cuz if I was my true self I could would be yelled at and screamed at and maybe kicked out and disowned my not just my father but maybe my mother as well and my own brothers too and who knows who else to b completely honest about it.

So yeah I guess that's all I got to say for now so I hope you enjoy my little rant of mine that I might have for awhile now I think about it. Bit whatever bye to who ever is going to read my mess of a book so yeah bye bye for no w my peeps and freaks.