My Life Good And Bad

i feel wired

Ok buckle up this is going to be dumb

Do you know that feeling that you get every time you're with your friends but you feel like you're alone and you feel like they would have so much fun without you? Or just the overwhelming feeling that your waste of space or maybe one of my definite favorites that they just think you're a horrible friend and I don't want you around.

A lot of times I get like this I don't know why it happens too many times for me to even count or know why it happens. Maybe it was because of how I grew up and how I just feel like everybody just didn't want me around like how all my brothers were old enough to go out and do things and I was kind of just stuck at the house and no one wanted to stay home and be around me. Or it was the fact maybe half my interactions were just my grandparents and maybe one or two friends that stay the night with me at my Nana's house. I don't know though I just always had these feelings and I don't know what to do with them and I don't know what to do to help him or what to do to make me feel better about it I feel so trapped I can't do anything I'm always the first person to leave I'm always the one to be the buzz kill I ruin like every event I go to.

My console I feel like no one really wants me around they're just inviting me or feeling pity on me or just sad for me because I don't go anywhere. It's Horrible feeling. And I don't really know how to exactly put it in words it's hard verbalizing it and saying it is different than how I'm feeling I can't find the correct words for how I'm feeling in the moment for what is going on in my head nothing is the correct words. No matter how much I tried to describe it or say it it doesn't come out right and people always miss hear me always think something else or something like that. So sometimes I just don't state that sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. Cuz really what's the point I'm saying it out loud you're probably just want to get some half-assed apology or saying that's not true or something like that like the typical thing you always hear from a friend or someone just trying to be nice.

Cuz I don't know maybe it's fact I don't like being home. Anytime I really open up my mouth I get yelled at or can't do an argument with somebody or walk through the door and somebody's drinking or smoking or something or no one's there to greet me or I say something about me hurting or feeling bad or how my day was bad and everybody else tries to top it and make me feel horrible. Or I get into a fight with my father he ends up making me feel horrible and I end up getting grounded and the fight was for no reason and it's always my fault. Or its the fact that anytime I'm in a room with my family I don't really feel happy or safe or myself. I just don't get it. You should feel like you can be yourself and happy and safe and so on so forth when you're with your family but it's not really like that now at least not now that I'm a teenager in high school.

But I get it there's nothing really interesting to me I'm just the boring friend that brings nothing to the table or conversation when it comes to things everybody else seems to have so much fun when I'm not around everybody seems to have such great conversations and such great adventures and everything when I'm not around I'm just the bothering buzzkill of every group I'm in. Some people may say no you're not but it feels like deep down they don't mean it feels like every word that's coming out of their mouth is a lie they're just trying to make me feel better. Cuz that's what people like to do they like to lie to make people feel better and when they know the truth deep down that what they're saying is a lie and it's dumb and really they just don't want the person feeling bad. And I don't know really what to say anymore this is just me trying to express that this is probably how my head feels that just spewing out all these words might help calm my mind for a bit but I don't know.