What's a life worth?

Interlude: Inside the mind of a broken man

          Life's always so short when you don't want it to be. Good people die young and bad people live on for what feels like forever.

          Why is life like that? It's not fair.

          Thoughts like these have flowed in and out of my head for the past two years. My life changed a lot that day. The anniversary of that day is tomorrow and I'm dreading it even more so than I normally do. The robot that I'm living with, it calls itself "Aisha", wants me to talk to its handler tomorrow too. I'm not looking forward to it. Why should I? All I want to do is lay in bed and do nothing and its making me go out and deal with more problems.

          Honestly it's just problem after problem recently. Every day it bothers me and tells me that it wants to help me. I know what it's trying to do, and I don't really care. I know I don't have any drive or motivation to do anything since that day. I felt like the most important part of me was lost then, so why should I care about what happens to the rest of me? Only one person died that day technically, but in actuality, I died too.

          We were always together. We met in first grade whenever she saw me alone on the playground reading. I was a quiet kid, never making much trouble. On the other hand she was a handful. She said I looked lonely and started talking to me non-stop about her friends that she was playing with.

          I honestly found it annoying.

          All I wanted to do at that time was read my book in peace. However day by day went by and every lunch she would talk to me. Suddenly I found myself attracted to her. Not romantically and I wasn't really interested in being friends, but I found her interesting.

          Like a bright light in a room of darkness.

          That was how I always saw her.

          Soon the days flew by and I started to open up more to her and talk. Day after day went by and every day at lunch she would come to visit me and talk. Eventually I even looked forward to it. Then near the end of first grade I realized I never even knew her name, so I asked, "Hey, I know it's dumb to ask this now, but what's your name?" She laughed at my question, but happily responded, "Jessica. It's Jessica."

          Each day flew by after that. Eventually I was staying over at night in middle school and talking all night to each other during high school. At first I just found her interesting, but now I could say she was my best friend.

          I loved her. But I was too scared to tell her.

          She never got into a relationship because she always said she had me, but I don't remember being in a relationship with her. Maybe she thought differently, but I was always confused by that and never got the courage to tell her how I truly felt.

          Well, that's wrong. I wanted to tell her, and I could have. I didn't because I knew I would've been a burden.

          The only thing I'm good at is schoolwork. I have ok determination and strength and I'm just ok at really anything else. But schoolwork can only get you so far in life so I didn't want to become a burden to her. She was almost perfect. Smart, kind, athletic, honestly she had everything you could hope for in a girl. Except for one thing: she had a hard time trusting anyone.

          I never knew why. She never told me. I was always there for her and worried about her, but I guess it wasn't enough. That's why she did it, I think. I don't think I'll ever truly know why, but that's what I think.

          I hate myself even more because of that reason.

          What if I had told her my feelings? Would she have accepted them? Would she have rejected them? If she rejected them, could she at least know she could trust me? I was always like a puppy following its owner around and when she left, I felt lost.

          These thoughts and questions have floated around my head for the past two years. They never left- until recently.

          When this robot moved in, it was annoying. All it did was stand in the corner and wait for me to talk to it. I didn't know what to do. I'm somewhat socially awkward and having it stand there and wait for me to do anything was weird.

           It always looked fake to me. It said it had emotions, but I found them coming out awkwardly and I didn't feel like anything it was doing was real.

          That started to change recently, it started to act like her. Like Jessica. Not perfectly, but it seemed to be happier, and more free. I think that was the key because now I see it as more of a her than an it. Or maybe that's because I'm still attached to Jessica. I don't know, but I also don't know what to do.

          It feels comforting to have her around, it really does. Is it because of my attachment to Jessica still? I don't know, but I still don't trust myself because she is just a robot.

          Honestly, she's just a hassle to work with. However I can say that compared to the past two years, this past week has been more enjoyable. I doubt she'll be able to do anything, but I think I'll open up some to her. Maybe then I can understand her more.