What's a life worth?

Interlude: Time Away

           Why?

           Why does everyone leave me?

           Why can't people just talk to me?

           Why can't people just stay?

           "Am I that terrible of a person?" I spoke to no one in particular as I walked down the street. I didn't know how long I had been walking or in what direction. I didn't care. I just needed to get away. From everything, from being me. My entire life has been filled with people leaving me. My parents left me at a young age, so my grandfather had to raise me. All of my "friends" left me once they got bored of having me around. Even my best friend left me.

           What was I supposed to do? Say goodbye to everyone as they left and move on? "I deserve to be around people too." I punched a brick wall next to me in anger which drew the attention of those around me. I ignored them and kept walking. From behind me, though, I heard a man's voice speak to me, "Is everything alright, man?" I felt a firm hand grab my shoulder, but I shook it off and replied quietly, "I just need to be alone right now."

           I've always been an indecisive person. Well, maybe indecisive is the wrong word. I never really had any interest in anything. I went to school because I was forced. I learned what the teacher taught because I was forced. Even when I met Jessica, and she forced me to do things, I always questioned myself, saying, 'Is this really what I want to do?' Nothing's ever caught my interest. Maybe I do have depression, but I never thought I did. I just did what I had to do to get by without caring about those around me. So why do I still feel hurt by those who left me? Why do I still care?

           In my mind, I felt like I was walking anywhere my legs would take me, but soon I was walking across a bridge. I looked around and spoke to myself, "If I remember correctly, this is where me and Jessica met outside of school for the first time." This incident was around 6th grade. We had both snuck out of our houses because she wanted to look at the stars together. I looked up at the sky, "It's too bad the stars aren't out now." I felt my pocket vibrate, and I pulled out my phone. The caller ID said that Aisha was calling me. Just from seeing her name, I clenched my fist and felt a heaviness in my heart. "Don't call me like you actually care!" I yelled that as I threw my phone into the lake below.

           I watched my phone sink into the water below. Honestly, I wanted to join it in the cold water. But I couldn't. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I should just go back and grab Ain and go home, but I couldn't. My body wouldn't move that way no matter how much I told myself to do it.

           I started to walk again. I knew I couldn't stay here. I needed to get better, to be better. But how was I supposed to do that? Be happier? As if. The only person I can remember being happy around was Jessica. What was I supposed to do if I couldn't be happy? If I couldn't be happy again, then I was probably better off dead. But I couldn't do that. I didn't know why. I just couldn't do it.

           As I finished my walk across the bridge, it started to rain. I scoffed to myself, "What is this, some cliché movie?" I didn't have a jacket, but I just kept walking. There weren't really any buildings around right now, so I needed to keep moving to find shelter. My walk continued, and I finally reached more of the city. After crossing the bridge, I noticed all the people around me looking blurry. I reached up to see if I was crying, but I wasn't. I didn't know what was happening, but I didn't care. Maybe if I couldn't see people, I wouldn't have to worry about them leaving me.

           My legs stopped moving, and I looked around. That's when I realized where I was. I was at my former high school. The school had actually shut down for construction, so no one was around, but the building was still standing. I managed to jump the fence and get into the construction site. The ground was muddy since it was raining, and I slipped a few times. I didn't care, though. I just got back up because I realized that this is where I wanted to be. There was a window that had also been slightly ajar, and I managed to get it fully open to let myself into the building. I spent a while walking around from classroom to classroom and enjoying the memories that came by.

           Finally, I made my way to the roof. This was where me and Jessica reconciled after a big fight. I couldn't remember the reason for the fight at the moment, but I didn't care. I could still remember her words as clear as day, "I need you more than you could ever imagine." I felt a strange warmness fill my body, and I decided to sit on the ground. I brought my knees to my chest, and I could finally let it all out.

           I started sobbing. I couldn't stop myself. I was lost, and I didn't know what to do. Everyone that had gotten close to me had left me for my entire life. I knew I pushed people away so that I didn't get hurt. I'm scared of getting hurt. But I let Aisha get close, and now I know that she's also going to leave me. I'm so sick of this same routine. What do I have to do to be better so that people will actually stay?

           Suddenly, I felt someone wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tightly. I didn't realize it at that moment because I was too busy crying, but I could faintly hear a voice speaking to me, "Isaac! Why would you just run off by yourself? Do you know how worried I was?" The voice I heard almost reminded me of Jessica, but it wasn't. I could tell. It was Aisha who was holding me from behind.