Love Me Tender (A Kaimelia - Kai Bartley/Amelia Shepherd - fanfiction)

Part 16

This is it. The day I've been anxious about ever since I found out that I need to go through this again. Another awkward haircut, another scar, another hospital stay. I just got admitted two hours ago and I already hate it all.

The only thing making it slightly better is the fact that Kai hasn't left my side ever since I arrived back in Minnesota. It is giving me flashbacks to my previous surgery, but I can only hope that this one has a better outcome.

We've already gone through the pre-op questions with the nurse and they've administered the first dose of antibiotics to my i.v. All that's left to do now is wait until they prepare the operating room. This is the worst part because I feel myself getting more and more anxious with every passing moment.

Kai is sitting next to me, holding my hand and softly rubbing it with their thumb. Meredith was also here earlier, but had to leave on a morning flight, which she felt horribly guilty about. But it's going to be another long surgery and then I'll be out of it for the rest of the night, so there's no point in her being here.

I've said the same things to Kai, but they don't seem to hear it so I've given up. Besides, it does feel selfishly good to have them here. Even if a huge part of me is terrified that I won't feel the same way after the tumor is out.

"Tom didn't seem nervous at all. I guess that's a good sign?" Kai says quietly and I turn to look at them. Their eyes are fixed on the wall in front of us and it seems like they're trying to convince themselves just as much as me. It's sweet, but I also feel bad for making other people worry about me.

"I think I was more nervous the last time around, so I'm not surprised," I nod and look at the wall as well, trying to see what they're seeing. The dull ache in my head keeps reminding me what's about to happen, but I try to force the thought away.

It doesn't work. My mind is spinning and I keep thinking about all the people in my life who are affected by this. It feels like my existence is constantly hurting someone no matter how hard I try to be better. It was almost easier when it was my fault and my choice with doing drugs and drinking. But this is completely out of my control and that's not something I can handle easily.

"What if everything changes? What if something goes wrong or.. I come out of this feeling different than I do now?" I have to voice some of these concerns before they drive me insane. My headache is getting worse by the minute and I'm pretty sure these erratic thoughts are to blame.

"Heyy.. deep breaths, okay?" Kai says, getting up from the bed now and coming to stand in front of me. It's then that I hear the beeping of the monitor and realize that my pulse has gone up too high for its liking.

"You're going to do great because you're resilient and brave and strong. And whatever happens after the surgery, I'll still be here." They sound so sure of it that I start to believe it for a little while.

Kai moves closer and puts their arms around me and I close my eyes, enjoying the warmth and safety of their embrace. The calm before the storm.

We're interrupted by a nurse who steps in with an apologetic smile and informs us that the OR is ready. I don't want to look at the monitor because I'm pretty sure my pulse is up again. Kai thanks the nurse and pulls away slowly, lifting my chin with their hand and giving me a soft kiss.

I can only hope that it's not the last one.

--

I refused to be wheeled into the OR like a helpless sick person and so I walk in, the nurses close by as if I'm at risk of falling. Seeing everything set up for me feels so different from all the other times I've stepped into an operating room. Even different from the last time because of all the unfamiliar faces. It's not as fun being on the other side.

"Amelia! Glad you could join us," Tom smirks, his whole demeanor indeed very carefree. He seems to be in a good mood and I must admit, it does make me feel slightly better. Confident surgeons are better surgeons.

"It's not like you gave me a choice," I comment sarcastically and head towards the table. This is the absolute worst part. Or maybe falling asleep is the worst. Waking up also sucked the last time because of the pain..

"I see your lover has joined us," Tom directs my attention elsewhere and the phrase confuses me for a moment before I see him looking up at the gallery. Kai is sat there, front row and center, and my heart warms at the sight. I told them to go to the lab and get some work done, but well.. Telling Kai to do something is pretty useless most of the time. They're even more stubborn than me which is really saying something.

"Lover? Really? What are we, in a 70s romance movie?" I roll my eyes, turning my attention back to him. He walked in on us kissing before and well, Kai also hasn't left my side during this whole ordeal so Tom figured it out pretty quickly. He also hasn't stopped commenting on our 'lesbian romance' - to quote himself.

"Lover was the most censored nickname I could come up with," Tom excuses himself and adds, with a clever wink: "Wanna hear the rest of them?"

I just shake my head and sit on the edge of the OR table. "Let's get this over with," I say with a heavy sigh, but Tom stops me before I can lay down.

"What about your super pose thing?" he asks, motioning me to go and stand next to him. I hesitate, but he looks adamant so I get up and walk over to him.

"It didn't work the last time, what's the point," I shrug, but still place my hands on my hips, closing my fists. Then again, I did survive the surgery so maybe that's a big enough win.

"Ye of little faith," he comments quietly and then puffs out his chest to look like a superhero. I chuckle at the sight and do the same. Others follow suit and from the corner of my eye I see Kai do the same in the gallery.

Minutes pass and I must say that Harvard was right and this does work. I do feel confident and more prepared to take this on. Or maybe I'm imagining it. Whatever the case, I don't want to ruin the moment with any words so I silently let my arms fall down and get on the OR table, allowing nurses to adjust me to the necessary position.

"Sleep tight," Tom tells me with a reassuring smile and a mask is placed on my face and something cold injected into my i.v with directions to count down numbers from ten.

I get to six.