Love Me Tender (A Kaimelia - Kai Bartley/Amelia Shepherd - fanfiction)

Part 30

It's finally my first day back at Grey Sloan. Staying at home has been pure torture for the most part. I have loved being with Scout again, but only being there has thrown me back into covid-time emotions, which wasn't a great time. Add on all this confusion about Kai and the huge amounts of time I have to overthink everything and well.. Let's just say I'm really glad to be back.

I did have to start out slow, as per Bailey's orders. She didn't even want to let me back yet, but Tom vouched for me and work has been piling up, so she agreed with a few simpler procedures and consultations for the time being.

I also found out that the news about my tumor still sort of traveled around the place since my absence was long enough to make people wonder. But luckily no one has really made any comments to my face. And I've learned not to care about what people say behind my back. Besides, not everyone knows, just a few people who I'm in close contact with daily. So I don't even mind that much.

I've just finished up a very boring AVM fix and now am having a cup of coffee in the lounge. I would like to be doing work instead, but I ran into Bailey and well.. didn't feel like arguing with her. I'm so consumed by my own thoughts that I don't even hear the door to the doctors lounge opening, only reacting when someone fake coughs behind me. Turning my head, I see Webber standing there, looking a bit awkward and out of place.

"You okay there?" he asks, his tone careful as if he can already see the answer on my face.

"Yeah, fine. Just taking a break," I lie, lifting the coffee mug in my hand to make it seem like that's what I'm really doing. In truth, the coffee inside of it has gone cold and I've barely had two sips.

"How about we try that again, but you tell the truth this time," Richard says, sitting down in a chair opposite of me. He's always been like a father to us all in this hospital and especially me and my sisters, but the two of us share a different bond due to a similar past. Which is probably why I feel comfortable opening up to him about all of this.

"Um, I've been having a really shitty time lately and it's making me want to.. forget, I guess," I say, shaking my head at the thought of putting it all into words. But I know that I have to explain a bit further for it to make sense. "I pushed someone away. A really good.. someone. Great, actually. And I keep trying to convince myself that it was the right thing to do, but I just.. don't know anymore."

"Why did you do it?" Webber asks, his tone neutral and free of all judgement. I swear that he was a therapist in a different life.

"Because I'm a mess and I don't deserve them anyway." I finally set the mug on the table, since it's not fooling anyone anyway, and stare down at my hands. Richard's tone may be neutral, but I'm sure his eyes are telling a different story.

"Could you try explaining it in a way that doesn't put the blame on you, just describes how you're feeling?" he offers, further solidifying my 'therapist theory'. I sigh heavily and try to make sense of my thoughts.

"Well, I feel.. horrible. I feel like they're so good and I'm so complicated and I'm scared they'll figure it out soon anyway so it just made more sense for me to push them away before they leave. That way I'm in control of what's happening and it.. hurts less."

"Does it?" he asks, "Hurt less?" I lift my eyes now and think about the question for a few moments, trying to picture the pain of them leaving instead.

"No," I sigh. "I actually think it's worse because now I've also hurt them and the thought of that breaks my heart." I fight the tears that want to emerge, but a few manage to escape anyway and I wipe them away quickly. Crying in front of people is something that I've been doing enough of lately and I hate being seen as this weak and fragile thing.

Webber nods and I just know that he gets it. I'm sure he's had similar situations in his past. One thing I've learned is that addicts have very similar behavioural patterns. "It seems like pushing people away doesn't actually work out in anyone's favor then," he says then and I sigh, thinking back on everything.

"I'm not sure. Maybe they didn't want anything with me anyway. The whole thing was confusing and there's a chance that they'd have ended things anyway so," I shrug, feeling the insecurities return. I like being in control of situations and not knowing the right answers here is driving me insane.

"There's always that chance. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but that shouldn't stop you from pursuing what you want. And you'll never know how things could've turned out if you don't try," Webber argues back, making me sigh.

"Well.." I say, trying to come up with more arguments on my side, but knowing very well that he's right and I'm being stubborn and just hurting myself in the process. "Okay, maybe you're right.." I eventually give in.

"Then maybe you should try telling them all that and taking it from there," Richard says, leaning back in his chair. He's obviously pleased with himself for helping me come to my senses. But the thought of talking to Kai and making myself vulnerable like that is terrifying.

"Or maybe I should just get my shit together and go to a meeting," I offer instead, shaking my head. The desire to use alcohol to numb this anxiety in me is too strong right now.

"The two aren't mutually exclusive you know," Webber says, getting up from his chair. "Come on, I'll drive you," he adds, grabbing my coffee mug and heading to the sink to rinse it off.

"Oh, no.. I don't want to waste any of your time, I can go by myself," I argue while getting up too, but he simply shakes his head and I already know this is a pointless battle.

"It's okay to lean on people for support. Besides, I haven't been to one this week anyway. Would hate to break my streak." He dries off his hands and looks at me expectantly. And I have no choice but to nod in agreement.