Love, Helena

Special 1.0

Terrance poured himself a drink and threw his head back downing it in one go. He resisted the urge to topple the round glass tray upon which sat his favourite whiskey bottle. Why was he losing his cool over something he should have been responsible enough to do long ago?

He ran his fingers through his hair, slicking it back, and looking with glassy eyes down to the brunette sitting on the sofa, lacing her boots casually. He couldn't see her face, and wondered if he even wanted to. Her lovely angellic face that enchanted him the moment he saw it. He clenched his hand tightly around the glass, trying to find rationality, or a sliver of the facade he usually put on easily- just enough to let the night end.

She looked up from her feet, her breath constricting as she took him in. Dark hair slicked back, glassy hazel eyes, joggings resting lazily low on his hips highlighting his shirtless upper body, teasing her. If she closed her eyes and inhaled, she could still pretend to be surrounded by him entirely, but that wasn't what she intended to do. 

"What does that mean?" He asked slowly, voice husky and tired. He paced to the armchair and sat staring at her like he'd hang on her every word.

Amber inhaled deeply, pressing her lips together, heart beating a mile a second. "You know as well as I do that this isn't working out for us Terrance."

"Working out how?" He cut her off, "We agreed we saw eye to eye since the very beginning, Amber don't give me that-

"Well maybe I changed!" Amber stood up agitatedly from her place. She was feeling frustrated the more they went on with whatever it is the two of them had. It's as though Terrance had no idea or inclination to understand or feel what she was feeling and thinking. 

He levelled her with the same immovable expression on his face, one that aggravated her beyond reason, but she didn't know that he was just as much in turmoil behind his facade. He chuckled humourlessly, "So you got sick of this all of a sudden? Is that what is it?"

"No, that's not what it is and you know that very well!" She retorted with a huff, rubbing her palms together to relieve some of her stress. She didn't want to fight. This felt harder than she anticipated. The hard look in his eyes made her heart and throat tighten inexplicably. He had no right to look so conflicted and detached all at the same time.

Terrance discarded the empty glass on the coffee table and looked away from her and her damned lovely blue eyes, her long tresses as soft as silk, and skin smelling of deep rich cherry. He was a cursed man the day he decided to lay his eyes on her. "Then what is it? Give me one reason."

"I want more than just this... and you can't give me what I want." She whispered with exasperation, afraid to spell out the words for words held power, and her thoughts pronounced and laid in the open could do more damage to her than they already do in discretion. Her eyes were still full of a hope he had quashed time and time again.

He shook his head with furrowed brows, and in a couple quick strides caught her arms and brought her closer to his body. "What you want?" He repeated in disbelief. "You never wanted my affection, Amber. Since the very beginning, you had told me this was strictly no strings attached, that you didn't do f***ing love. Do you want me to believe that you want that bullsh*t out of nowhere?"

She pushed angrily at his chest breaking his hold on her, "You know things were different then than they are now! You and I both have come a long way since, but why can't you seem to realize that this needs to change in order for us to keep up? Why won't you get over yourself and just admit it? You're afraid of this more than I could ever be!" Amber sighed, putting a tentative hand to his chest, softly saying, "I'm willing to try... with you, Terrance."

"No," He stepped back from her touch, rubbing his temples. "F***ing no, Amber. Don't do this now."

She gritted her teeth together. This was exactly why she wanted to break things off... before she caught any more feelings for him. What the hell was he afraid of? How long did he think she'd stick around, that these secret hidden meetings would do it for her? Didn't he think she deserved better, that he deserved better? Amber swallowed a wavering breath. Was it supposed to hurt this bad? 

"Why?" She asked at last. She never once had the courage to ask him anything too personal, too touchy, but she deserved to know why. "Tell me why."

Terrance's face hardened and he turned his back to her, ready to shut off. He walked quickly towards his bedroom. This wasn't a conversation he was having tonight, nor any time soon either. A hand on his arm stopped him and he turned to a red-faced obviously angry Amber. Still she looked lovely and he wanted nothing more than to swoop down and kiss her senselessly. Her words brought him back to the topic at hand. "You keep f***ing running away! You do it all the time. What do you want from me, Terrance? Is this all I am to you, a nightly encounter, a secret behind closed doors, a stranger to warm your bed? At least be a f***ing adult. Look me in the eye and tell me why you can't and won't even try to give us a chance."

With a clenched jaw and fists, he answered icily, "This is ridiculous, Amber. If you wish to leave, just leave. When you're grown up enough to understand I don't wish to talk about this, and that you're making it out to be more than it actually is, then we can talk."

Amber huffed in disbelief, retrieving her hand from his as though disgusted by his very touch. His words were a low blow, one he handed none the kinder. He knew exactly the words that hurt and used them. She shook her head, biting back to keep from tearing up. "Well sorry for being a f***ing child!"

"You know what? F*** you!" She turned on her heel and stormed out to the house entrance in search of her coat, muttering to herself, "I can't believe I actually thought you'd be different."

Terrance leant his head back on the door frame, and watched her with half-closed eyes putting her coat on angrily. He knew he messed up real bad. He shouldn't have said what he had, and he couldn't blame it on the alcohol.

She opened the door and stopped, wiping frustratedly at her traitorous tears. He heard her sniffle and tensed, rooted to the ground. He couldn't even move to comfort her. He had a feeling she'd flip if he tried. He watched her slowly turn to face him with red cheeks and an adorably red nose, but her tone was one of decisive resignation. "If I walk out of this place without a single explanation, Terrance, I'm never coming back."

An ultimatum. She must've known it was the only way to get him to talk, to give her a reason she had every right to ask for. But what Amber didn't know was that even a grown-up man of his stature and experience was still haunted and afraid of ghosts of the past, that he had issues he was never brave enough to look in the eye and overcome. What Amber didn't know was that the feeling of being cornered made him act on instinct, and his instinct said to run instead of fight. So he said nothing, looking at her with empty eyes, as though looking right through her, like she wasn't even there.

She finally gave up, and with a mirthless laugh looked at him like she's got him all figured out, and maybe she had, for all he knew. "I do hope one day you're brave enough to fight for those who're willing to put up with your sh*t."

He let her walk out. He had let her go because he was a f***ing coward just like she'd said. And he couldn't be sure but an ominous realization hit him, that maybe he had just let go of something that only comes along once a lifetime.

//A.N:

I knoooowww, this structure might make absolutely no sense at all. This chapter naturally should have been posted right after Chapter 19, but It was still unfinished, so here it is now.

I'm only giving glimpses into some characters' sideline stories because it's not the main thread we're following in this book. I might do a follow up booklet of short stories where I piece together their stories and give you the full thing. (Let me know if that interests you)

A short chapter, but I thought it's better than nothing. Hope you enjoyed it!