Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

30

Thursday night.
Two days until the big showcase.
Today's practice was insane, but it's finally coming together all at once. Tomorrow, we'll go through the entire showcase with costumes and lights on stage, to see if it'll all work out perfectly.
Chi has put so much effort into everything, it's incredible she hasn't broken down crying yet.
Since Monday, we've been concentrating on two to three numbers a day and practicing with the members of each band on the stage. Now that the choreographies are tied down, we're mainly trying to figure out the time it takes between the songs to change outfits or positions backstage.

Today, Stray Kids, Day6, and Itzy had the final practice before all the acts come together tomorrow, and so right now, everyone is packing up their stuff to go home. It's been a long day, the dancers and band members are exhausted and tired.
"You ready to go?"
Chan is standing in the door to the dancer dressing room, tapping on his phone.
I shoulder my bag. Binna and Tao close their own bags, both of them grinning and winking at me. I roll my eyes at them.
Unbelievable.
Hana comes out of the shower room in her underwear and towel. She takes one look at me and throws her hair over her shoulder.
She says, "Maybe you should concentrate more on getting the choreographies right than wasting all your time making videos no one watches anyway."
I pull the hood of the sweatshirt I'm wearing over my head. It's Chan's and way too big on me. If he had noticed it, he hasn't mentioned it.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask Hana.
She smacks her lips and pulls up an eyebrow while braiding her hair back.
"I'm just saying, Olivia. You're still behind on Wannabe and Zombie, and you're always late two counts when we do Miroh."
I drop my bag and raise my eyebrows.
"Excuse me?" I step behind her, "You know that is not true! I'm just as good as anybody here!"
Hana pulls a shirt over her head and slips her arms through the holes without turning to look at me. The changing room has gone quiet, even Chan in the door looks up from his phone.
"You might think that you can keep up with the rest of the dancers here, but you can't. Face the truth, Olivia. You're just here because Stray Kids play favorite. You probably bought your place on the crew."
"How dare you, you skimpy little-..." The air seems to leave my lungs and heat rises in my cheeks. "I worked my ass off the past six weeks to learn these routines, and you know that all too well, Hana! I earned my place in this showcase just as much as anybody else here!"
Hana grins slyly and shrugs, all so nonchalantly that something in me audibly explodes. For a moment, I only see white.
Then my hand is in her hair and I'm pulling.
"You bitch!"
We're both screaming, just for a second. Then Chan's perfume fills the air around me and two strong arms pull me back from Hana.
"Ollie," Chan's voice close to my ear. "You need to calm down! Come on!"
"Watch it, Hana, or I swear-..." I kick around like crazy, but Chan is too strong for me. With his arms around my middle, he carries me through the air like a cat out of her mind.
He pulls me out of the room and plants me right in the middle of the hallway. I can see him carry my bag and Binna, sticking her head out of the doorframe to see if I'm alright. My heart is pounding.
No one talks to me like that after everything I've been through to get here.

I'm still fuming when Chan pulls me to the car, where Felix, Changbin, and Jeongin were already waiting for us with a driver. Chan climbs onto the passenger seat and I take place behind him next to Felix.
"What happened? We almost left without you," Felix says and nudges my shoulder.
"Hana," I answer, "We got into a fight. It's fine."
Chan scoffs, but doesn't turn to look at me. I stiffen.
I exchange a look with Felix, who has raised his eyebrows.
"Well, what was it about?"
I ruffle my own hair and say, "She just said some shit that wasn't true and I couldn't take it anymore."
Changbin and Jeongin both bend forward and I look out the window. It's dark outside.
"She always does this," I add, "It's like she wants to piss me off."
My eyes land on Chan, but he doesn't say anything. He stares out the window, quiet and calm.
No.
Not calm.
Cold. I can tell he is trying not to listen by the way he pulls up his shoulders. I think he probably has his headphones in. He's trying to ignore me on purpose.
Part of me wants to rattle his seat or pull on his hood or do anything to get his attention.
Chan has never ignored me before.
He is mad at me and I can't figure out why.
Because I threw a punch at Hana?
She started it. She deserved it.
Plus, I didn't really punch her, I only pulled her hair a little.
He can't possibly be mad at me for giving Hana a piece of her own medicine.

When we get to the apartment, Chan immediately disappears in his room, closing the door shut behind him.
I go into the kitchen and take a bottle of water out of the fridge. Hyunjin and Seungmin are already in there, making sandwiches. Felix follows me and leans against the counter next to me. He gently leans against me.
"You should talk to him," he says lowly.
I shrug. "I think he's mad at me, so he probably doesn't even want to talk to me. I don't know how to handle that. I don't know what I did wrong."
"Chan isn't the type to yell when he's mad. He seems all grown up but he hates confrontation. If you go to him he'll talk to you."
I gnaw at my lower lip.
Felix is right. Chan doesn't like to fight. I'll just talk to him and everything will be back to normal.

I take the water bottle and press a quick kiss to Felix shoulder.
Chan shares a room with Changbin, though Bin sits on the couch right now, enjoying a drama show with Minho.
In front of the door, I hesitate for a moment, before raising my hand to knock twice.
I don't get an answer.
I knock again and slowly open the door.
The room is in dim light from a chain of fairy lights on the wall. Chan sits in sweatpants and sweatshirt on the bottom bunk bed.
When I come in, his eyes land on me. He still doesn't say anything.
Unsure of how to start this, I hover in front of the bed. My fingers twiddle and I gulp down a lump in my throat.
"I know you're mad at me, Chris," I say. I don't usually call Chan by his English name, but this feels more appropriate. The way he looks at me I know I'm right to do so.
This isn't Channie. This is Chris.

"What was that with Hana?"
His voice is calm, but he flexes his hands constantly, digging them into his pockets or into the next pillow.
"What do you mean?"
I know what he means but I can't really explain it without sounding like a psychopath.
Chan sits up and cocks his head slightly to the side. If I wasn't slightly anxious right now, the sight of him would turn my insides into butterflies.
"You attacked your crew leader, Ollie," he says finally, "I had to drag you out of that room. You kicked me in the leg. Do you even know what that made you look like?"
I take a step back.
"I don't care what it made me look like, I was in the right."
"That's no reason to attack someone like that? Violence is not the answer to your problems, Olivia!"
"I pulled her hair a little, it's not that deep! And you heard what she said about me!"
"That is not an excuse! You should have walked away! Like the grown up I thought you are." Chan stands up from the bed and steps in front of me, but I refuse to back away. I stare into his eyes. "You behaved like a lunatic, starting fights in the changing room! What were you thinking? We're you even thinking in the first place? Everything you do reflects on who you are, Olivia! How do you not understand that? You're in the public eye now, you have a reputation to uphold! You can't go around and fight people like a child because they insult you!"

For a moment, I am too stunned to say anything. But then it clicks.
"You're afraid that my behavior falls back on you," I say, "That's what this is really about, isn't it? That I could embarrass you or the band or, God forbid, JYP Entertainment, since I'm such a child."
Chan's eyes widen.
"What? That is not at all what I meant, Ollie!"
I raise both my hands and turn away.
"I don't care what you meant. I stood up for myself and things got out of hand. I am not a robot, shit like that happens! I was in a little fight, so what? I defended myself, Chan! Not everything is about you!"
"I don't think you got my point here!"
"And I thought you'd understand me without having to lecture me!"
"Well, I guess then we're stuck at an impasse!"
"I guess we are!"

We stare at each other, both of us breathing hard. I have no doubt the whole dorm could hear us yell at each other.
For a moment, neither Chan nor I move. I can see Chan's face falter the tiniest bit and turn away from him to face the door.
Over my shoulder, I say, "I guess I better go then. I'll see you at practice."
I open the door and step through.
If he follows me or tries to say something, I don't notice it. Within thirty seconds I grabbed my stuff and left the dorm, practically running past the boys on the couch and Felix, calling after me.