Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

71

I don't leave my apartment for three days.
I leave the blinds down. I only eat when I can drag myself out of bed, which is mostly once a day. I don't answer my phone or my emails. I don't dare take a look at my social media. I don't want to see it. I don't want to deal with it.
Chan has been calling me, multiple times a day, but I don't answer. Hana, Felix, Minho, Binna, and even Chi have sent me dozens of messages each, but I ignore them.
The only time I answer a call is when my dad calls.

I break down in tears as soon as he says, "What happened, Ollie? You were on the news and everyone is worried about you!"
I can barely get a word out, I am crying so hard I have to bend over forward.
"I messed everything up," I sob then, "I can't do this anymore. I messed up, Dad. Everyone hates me."
Tears are streaming down my face but I don't care. I talk into the darkness, and for the first time in days I wish someone was here with me. I wish my dad was here. I wish my mom was still alive.
He tries to comfort me over the phone, but I can hear how much it hurts him to know it's not working. I pretend like it does, so that I can hang up and not have him worry about me.

I lay in darkness. After a few hours, I have cried myself dry and I stare into the shadows.
Dad said I was on the news.
Part of me wants to find out what they're saying about me. The bigger part of me already knows.
And it's probably not pretty.
I don't know what time it is, but judging by the growl of my stomach it has to be somewhere in the afternoon.
I should make food.
I should take a shower.
I should pull up the blinds.
But I don't do any of that. I just lay in bed with my eyes open.

I don't know how many minutes or hours go by, I lost all feeling of time over the last three days, but someone knocks on my door.
My first instinct is to sit up, but then I don't. Whoever it is, I don't want to talk. They'll have to come back later.
But then there are voices, and more knocking and, through my haze, I realize the door gets pushed open.
"Oh, Jesus, someone has got to let some light in here."
I know that voice. I know it very well.

"Binna?"
Now, I do sit up as she rolls up the blinds with so much rigor, they almost fall off the windows.
"Honey, this has got to stop," she stalks through the room. "You've been hiding for way too long."
"How did you get in here?"
I rub my face and pull the covers of my bed higher over my body.
Binna looks around my room and smacks her lips as she approaches me.
"Your landlord let me in when I told him it's a personal emergency and your dad is a cop that could run in the door," she says then and sits at the side of my bed.
I look away. "I don't want to talk, Binna. I'm not in the mood."

"Ollie, it's been three days and no one has heard from you," she takes my hand. "Do you even know what's going on out there?"
I shake my head. "No, I was trying to be a ghost these past days."
"We'll, I've had it. Because there have been developments that require you to become a real person again."
She gets off the bed and pulls me out from under the blankets.
"Binna, I really don't-..."
"Shush," she says and pulls me into the bathroom, "Just let me help you. Hana and I have been so worried about you. As did everybody else. Practice is not the same right now. There are so many things that I have to tell you about."

I scrunch my eyebrows but she shakes her head.
"Let's get you cleaned up first, you'll feel a lot better after a shower. I promise!"
She turns on the hot water and helps me get changed out of my days old outfit.
When I step beneath the hot water, Binna leaves the room with the words, "I'll order some food for when you're ready!"
I consider sitting down in the shower and just letting the water dripple down on my body, but Binna's words do wake up my curiosity.
There have been some developments.
There are so many things I have to tell you about.
I soap up my body and wash my hair, using not only shampoo, but conditioner and mask. I shave my legs and my armpits, and then use my favorite grape seed oil peeling.
When I get out of the shower, I brush my teeth and slather my body in moisturizer.

I look at myself in the mirror. I have dark circles beneath my eyes, even though I did nothing but sleep and cry over the past three days, and my cheeks have lost their elasticity. But Binna was right, I do feel better. I step out of the bathroom and go over to my wardrobe to take out fresh underwear, a fresh pair of tights, and a hoodie.
Binna stands in my kitchen, unpacking boxes of food from a brown paper bag.
She opened all my windows and made my bed. The floor is clean, as are all the countertops.
"You cleaned my apartment," I state as I pull on my new clothes.
She smiles warmly. "Don't be mad, I'm just trying to help you. The fresh air feels nice, and here - I got you dumplings, fruit salad, a green smoothie, and spring rolls with chili sauce."

The food smells amazing and I can feel myself gravitate towards it.
I realize I've been hungrier than I had thought when I take the first bite of a dumpling and stuff my face right after with a spoonful of fruit salad.
We sit on the floor and Binna watches me eat with a pleased smile on her face.
"So let's talk," she says, "You literally fell of the face of the earth and you missed like... books worth of events."
I don't want to talk. I just want to eat. But I can't stop her from talking and she knows this, so I listen quietly as I eat.
"First of all," she starts, "I'm very proud of you for sticking up for yourself. The boss was foul for wanting to buy you out of your relationship with Chan. Chi was fuming when she heard he basically bullied you into leaving. She almost quit right on the spot."

I stare at her for a moment but she continues, "She didn't, but she was close. You're an important part of our team, and he was treating you unfairly. And when the media found out about all this, they had a field day. Unbelievable." She opens her phone and pushes it over the floor towards me. "I took screenshots for you."
I take a look.
#OllieDeservesBetter
#JusticeForOllieAndBangchan
#StopBabyingIdols
#LetThemLive
#ChanxOllie
#Challie

I swipe and see Binna screenshotted news articles about Chan and me.
Most of them, to my stunned surprise, are speaking out in favor of us. Some are openly advocating for a change in the industry that allows idols to start dating freely, naming Chan and I's relationship as an example.
Lastly, Binna took screenshots of tweets and posts from fans of both Straykids and me.

"They don't hate you," Binna says gently as she watches me, "If anything, they're fighting for you. Maybe some of the fans were surprised in the beginning, but more and more people are on your side. I know you're scared and hurt and confused, but it doesn't matter what people on the outside think. What matters is what you feel for Chan, and the people that you trust because we are standing behind you."
She takes a deep breath and takes my hand in hers.
"Which is why Hana and I have quit our jobs at JYPE."