Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

64

My dad opens the door on Sunday morning before I even knock.
He's wearing an adorably dotted apron over his blue jeans and wool sweater.
"Olivia, my love," he says and pulls me into a tight hug, "I'm so glad to see you here!"
He ushers me inside and then rushes into the kitchen to save pancakes from burning on the stove.
I kick off my shoes and hang up my jacket, before joining him in the kitchen.
"Chocolate chip," he says when I spy over his shoulder at the pan. "Just like you love them!"

I smile at him. It's still unbelievable that this man is a hardened police detective during the week.
We still don't get to see each other enough, but that is partially my fault now, too, and so I enjoy every second with him I can get.
He piles the pancakes onto a platter and carries them into the living room. The table is already set.
He put out jams and jellies, chocolate spread, cut up fruits and berries - he even made eggs.
"Wow, Dad," I sit down with wide eyes, "You outdid yourself with this one! You didn't have to do all that just for me."
He waves me off and unties the apron around his belly.

"Ah, don't be silly," he says then, "If not for you, who else would I do this for? Coffee?"
"Yes, please," I answer and hold up my cup. My heart swells as I watch him fill up my cup.
I drink my coffee the way he does, with two lumps of sugar and a splash of milk. I like my pancakes the way he does, too, with chocolate chips and cinnamon in the dough, topped with chocolate spread or strawberry jam.
Moments like these make me realize again that it takes so much more to form a family than blood, and so much less all at the same time.

We eat for a while, listening to his favorite radio station, without speaking much.
But finally, I put my knife down.
"Dad, can I get your opinion on something?"
He takes a sip from his coffee and nods.
I pick up my fork and stab at a strawberry.
"I got an offer for a new job," I finally say, "and it's an incredible opportunity. It pays better than what I currently do, and it would be my literal dream activity. Choreographing for a new group. But I would have to leave all my friends and colleagues behind, because it's another company. I don't really know what to do. What do you think?"

Dad purses his lips and looks at me from his dark eyes.
Sometimes I catch myself wishing I'd look more like him. But I look like my mom a lot, and I would never give that part of myself away for anything in the world.
Dad says, "It seems this job offer has a lot of advantages. You've always wanted to choreograph as a main occupation. And you'll make new friends. Plus, I don't think you'll lose your friends just because you change companies."
"Not my friends, no," I hesitate. Dad doesn't know about me and Chan yet.
I swallow thickly, before I add, "But I am afraid I might lose my boyfriend if I accept this job."

Dad halts in his movement and looks at me. His eyebrows rise slowly, and an amused smile appears on his lips.
"Boyfriend?" He asks. "Do I know him?"
"Not yet," I answer, "Not personally, at least. He's an idol I work with at JYP. We've only been together a few days, but I've liked him for far longer."
"An idol?"
I nod and Dad blows air into his cheeks, leaning back into his chair.

"Are you happy with him?" Dad stabs a blueberry with his fork and puts it in his mouth.
When I nod with a smile, he points his fork at me and asks, "Do you love him?"
My cheeks grow hot and I look away, when Dad starts laughing gently.
"What makes love so precious is it's ability to overcome even the toughest obstacles." Dad reaches over the table to put another strawberry onto my plate. "If this boy loves you the way you love him, he'll stay with you even though you're working for another company. He'll try, at least. Think about it, honey, this job is everything you ever wanted to do. And yet you're considering turning it down because you fear you might lose him. You would choose this boy over your dream. That's a sacrifice not many make. And if your boy loves you, he'll want to see you happy."

"So, what should I do?"
Dad looks at me and smiles.
"You have this Artist of the Month video coming up soon, right? Why don't you treat that as a test run. See if you actually like working with less experienced, more chaotic idols." Dad shrugs. "If you do, we both know what you should do. You spend a lot of time thinking about others, you get that from your mom. But she also had to learn to do things for her own happiness from time to time, and I like to think she was very happy with her choices."
I cock my head, "How do you know?"
He chuckles and his eyes dip down to the small golden wedding band on his hand.
"Well, she married me even though her parents told her not to." He says then and something inside me breaks slightly. "And she's been the love of my life ever since we met."

I feel tears brimming my eyes and blink furiously.
"I miss her," I admit quietly.
Dad sighs. "Me too. Every single day. But I know she would tell you the same thing I am telling you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to see your dreams come true."
I look at Dad and bend forward to take his hand in mine on the table.
"I love you, Dad."
He smiles at me, and answers, "I love you, too. And I'd also love it if you wouldn't let any of these pancakes go to waste. Here, eat up."