Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

57

"What do you mean?"
I bite my lower lip. Chan's eyes catch on the motion for a mere second before he forcefully looks away again.
"This morning," he says and something loosens around my chest, "I shouldn't have gone without talking to you about last night. I should have stayed and we should have talked about it already."
His eyes meet mine again. There is a careful question in them, but I'm not ready to think about that just yet.
One step after the other.
"It's okay," I answer, "We're talking now. I told you before I'm not leaving."
He huffs and I realize my mistake.
I did leave. Or at least, that is what he must have thought when I went on a three hour run without answering my phone.
"I didn't mean to scare you," I try to explain, "When you left this morning, I was confused and needed time to think. I needed a bit space to get it all out, but I didn't actually plan on staying away for that long."
We both chuckle and the tension lifts a little.
"I'm sorry if I made you think I was running away," I add, "But I promise it wasn't on purpose. I would never run from you."
He nods and takes a big gulp of air.
"The thought of it made me sick," Chan says in a low voice and without looking at me, "I thought I scared you away or did something wrong. And maybe I did, but the thought of you wanting to be away from me made me feel like dying."
"You didn't do anything wrong," I hurry to say, "If anything, it was me who did something wrong. I felt like I pushed you to do something you didn't want."

Chan considers for a moment, then he starts scooting over the bed until we're back to back, our shoulders touching.
"Chan, what are you doing?"
"Just trust me," he answers, "It'll be easier for me to say what I need to say. So like-... just go with me here."
I chuckle. "Okay, I trust you."
He takes a deep breath, his shoulder blades slightly brushing against mine. I lean into his body, my head resting against his shoulders just a little.
"I have been thinking about you all day," Chan says then, "It's driving me insane, Ollie."
I sit up straighter, but I stay quiet, giving him the chance to collect himself.
"I thought a lot about what this means for us," he continues then, "And I don't think we should stay friends."
I freeze. Within a second, tears well up in my eyes and I have to bite my lip so I won't say anything rash.
I was right. Last night was too much for him.
I turn my head towards him. My voice is weak when I speak.
"I'm sorry, Chan, I never should've done that. If I had known it would-..."
Chan's head whips towards me and his eyes grow wide.
"Wait, what?" His voice is panicked. "Wait, no! No, that is not what I meant at all!"
I take a shaky breath but my vision is already blurry and he fully turns to me, pulling my face against his, connecting our foreheads.
"God, no, I am so sorry." He kisses my closed eyes and wipes my cheeks. "The thought of you kissing someone else is making me want to kill. I can't stand the idea of you looking at someone the way you look at me. And every time you touch me I feel like I can move mountains."
I open my eyes and look at him. My whole body is so tense is shaking slightly.
"What?"
"I was stupid to wait this long," he continues, "So stupid! I could have had what we had last night months ago, but I was dumb and scared. I was a coward, but the truth is: I want you. I want to be with you. I want to kiss you and hold you and touch you every second of the day. You make me weak and strong all at the same time, and I don't even know how that's possible. I thought I was being smart and saved you from being with me, I thought you deserve better than this. And I still think you do, but I hate to see you with anybody other than me. You make me feel things I never thought I could, and it honestly scares the shit out of me, but Ollie-..."
His hand finds my chin and he moves my face up until our lips are millimeters away from another.
"My Ollie, my wonderful Ollie," he whispers against my lips, "I don't want to be just your friend. I want to be yours, completely. I want to be whatever you want me to be, because I am in. All the way, and I won't take it back."

My hands find their way around his shoulders all by themselves and I pull him against me.
I press my lips against his, his hands slip around my waist, and the both of us sigh.
"Be mine," I whisper between our kisses.
I kiss his jaw. "Be mine."
I kiss his cheek. "Be mine."
I kiss his lips again, softly, gently, asking.
"I am." He answers. His tongue slips between my lips and I groan, arching my body against his.
I don't know how long our kiss lasts, but his cheeks are flushed when we disconnect.
We fall back onto the mattress and I place my head on his chest, glancing up at him. I can hear his heartbeat and slowly drive my fingers over his chest.
He presses his lips against my hair. The room is so silent, but relief and joy fill its every space.
"There is something else," he says slowly, "I don't think anybody besides the boys should know. I don't want to jeopardize either of our careers. You worked so hard and I don't want to put you in danger. I would understand if you don't want that, but it's all I can give you."
I think for a moment. A relationship in secret.
The price to pay to be with the man I love.
"I agree," I say then and press a kiss to his chest, "I don't want to get you in trouble. This will be easier for us, at least for now."
His hands trail symbols on my back and he sighs, relieved.
I push myself up on my elbows and look into his beautiful face, placing one hand on his cheek.

"I am yours, Chan," I say, "As long as you'll have me, I will be yours. There is no one in this world who makes me happier, braver, or feel more like myself. You own my heart, Chan."
When our lips meet again, he's smiling. There is something new in the way he kisses me.
A calm reassurance.
We belong to each other now.
He is mine. I am his.
We are in this together.