All They Told Me Was Just Give Up

Chapter 11

Elise’s POV

It was 9 pm, the ending of the first day of Warped Tour. I had watched Austin preform and then sat at their signing. A few of the kids recognized me as being Austin’s fiancé and remember me being at the last tour. Then there were the girls that flirted with him. They didn’t care that I was sitting right next to him with a big shiny ring on my finger saying that he was mine. They might not have even known. But it would be crazy if they hadn’t because Austin and I always tweeted each other and he always tweeted about dates and pictures of us and the ring, especially the ring. He always made that known to his followers.

It was 9 pm, meaning it was time for the after party cook out. Some of the bands were out and sitting in small folding chairs with beers in their hands. Erin was sitting in a chair next to the Pierce the Veil guys. Erin looked stressed but just moments before when she had Alan with her she looked overly excited. She had been really happy being here with all the bands. She had been fan girling to me all day about how she met Asking Alexandria and Sleeping with Sirens. I didn’t really care. Austin always took me to meet my favorite bands. I had hung out with Pierce the Veil before and we were really close now. I didn’t need to fan girl anymore, I was used to it. Erin wasn’t, and that was fine.

I was up on the roof watching everyone converse and drink and laugh. I was alone with my knees tucked into my chest. No one had noticed me looking down on everyone. I wasn’t really paying attention to them either. Just looking at all the smiles. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to know what that was like. I could feel the bus shake behind me.

“Hey.” Austin said quietly as he pulled himself up onto the roof.

“Hi.” I said quietly not looking in his direction. I was still watching Erin. She seemed to be having so much fun earlier but now she looked stressed and  Alan had seemed upset before he left. I’m not sure why.

“What are you doing up here?” He asked sitting down next to me dangling his feet off of the side.

“Thinking…” I said still not looking at him.

“About?” He asked.

“What it’s like to be happy…” I said and I didn’t want him to respond to that. “What if I had a secret and I didn’t want to tell people, including you?” I asked changing the subject. Another topic I didn’t want to talk about but knew I had to.

“Well, it depends on what it was about. If it was important and I should know then you should tell me but if it’s not anything I need to know or that affects your happiness and safety then you can keep it to yourself. It would be nice if you could trust me with all your secrets but I know sometimes people keep certain things to themselves that they never tell anyone. And that’s okay too.” He said placing his hands behind him and leaning back on them so his body was at an angle. He turned his head to look at me but I still didn’t meet his gaze.

“I… I… I need to tell you something… But I’m not sure if I can…” I said.

“Then take you time. You don’t have to tell me now, or tomorrow, or even a month from now. You tell me when you’re ready.” He said and laid down on his back looking up at the dimming sky. I followed his action. He turned his head to look at me and this time I looked at him too. “I know it can be hard to tell people things. You can tell me when you’re ready. Although it’s nice to know your secrets I’m not going to force you into telling me.” He said and returned his gaze to the sky. We were going to sit here and look at the stars as the light dimmed from the sky.

“Look, there’s O’Rians belt.” He said pointing into the sky. I scooted in closer to his side and laid my head on his chest. I liked to do this. I could hear his heart and that made me happy, to know that it was still beating.

“The big dipper.” I said pointing as well. Our voices were no more than a whisper.

“You always find the big dipper. I have such a hard time finding that one. But I can navigate by the stars you know…” He laughed and then it went quiet as we searched the sky. We sat in the silence for a few moments all you could hear was our quiet breath. I took a deep breath now.

“I was raped…” I said quietly against Austin’s chest trying to make it so quiet he might not even be able to hear it.

“What?” He asked. But he had heard me. “Elise, is this why you have those nightmares?” He asked. I nodded my head but didn’t open my mouth because I could already feel the hot tears streaming down my face. “When did it happen?” He asked tightening his grip around me, like he was protecting me from it happening again.

“I was seven the last time it happened…” I said through sharp intakes of breath. I couldn’t breathe and I felt sick again. But I also felt Austin’s arms around me and that gave me strength.

“I am so sorry…  I wish I could do something to make the nightmares go away or somehow go back in time and stop it from happening to you. I wish I could do something…” He said shaking his head. I could feel his muscles tighten, he was getting angry, angry at this man who ruined my childhood. I couldn’t breathe through the tears I needed to calm down but I couldn’t.

“Whoa!” David Schmitt yelled out from the ground seeing us on the roof of the bus. “Just Breath, Carolina!” He said with a laugh. “Are you guys okay?” He asked. He and Austin were really close and I had hung out with him before. We were good friends now. I sat up from where I was on Austin’s chest. I gave him a faint smile for his attempt at a joke.

“Yeah we are now.” I said wiping some of my tears away. David was funny and really sweet, talking to him or hearing one of his corny jokes always made things a little better. David gave us a sympathetic smile and with a wave left us to finish our crying fest. “It’s not all bad…” I said to Austin as he sat up next to me. “Without him fucking up my childhood I would’ve never needed music to save my life the way I needed your music. I might have never gone to Warped Tour or concerts in general. I might have never met you or been able to be here right now. None of this would have happened without that asshole. So really I should be thanking him, for you.” I said and Austin’s arms suddenly surrounded me and I could feel his warmth and that made me smile for the first time in a long time.