Today was was finally going to be a good day. I've been trying spend time with Ross before he leaves to go on the road for the last 2 weeks. He has been so busy & I understand that it's his career & he has to do it im just try to put forth effort to make my space in his life in his career. Ive been trying to fight hard but I don't think fighting hard is the key. Fighting smarter is the key. I created backup upon backup because I hate this pattern where it feels like I can't have him for a moment. It hurts.
Today I planned a little picnic on the beach for us. Ross & I like to swim so I thought it would be romantic & fun at the same time. Ross said he will come pick me up in a hour for our date. But a hour turned into 3. I texted & called & still no reply back. I think he's in the studio. He might not have service or it might be me who doesn't. But either way today is obviously not going to happen. The sky is slowly loosing it's magenta color just before the dark of the night sky.
I decided to call it night. I'll eat what I made & then watch a movie I guess. I warmed up my food & went down to my movie room. I decided to watch ride along. I think I can use a good laugh right now to keep my spirits up.
Almost halfway through the movie I heard someone charging down my steps. I turn my head to see Ross jump the last 4 steps. Ross then hopped over my couch to sit down next to me.
"Baby I am beyond sorry. & so embarrassed. I know we had our date. & I'm so so so so so so so so so sorry"
"It's fine" I said simply then looking at the movie because my favorite part was about to come on.
"NO it's not ok. Why do you keep saying that?" Ross said angrily but I wasn't paying attention because I was into the movie & once Kevin hart said black hammer i started laughing
"Babe please do that"
"Do what? Chill out sit back watch the movie with me. Let's do our picnic another time. It's ok" I said trying go dismiss this because I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm over it."
"No we have too" Ross yelled . He then grabbed the remote & he cuty TV off.
"Ross what the bloody hell" I said with an attitude
"Y/n you are mad at me. Stop saying it's ok when it's not."
"I'm happy you know it's not."
"That's what my point is y/n. You hold things in & I know your pissed."
"I am pissed. I've been trying to spend time with you for the last 2 weeks that I have you. "
"I know & I suck at time management"
"Right but don't look for me to say that I want you to stop doing something you have to do. That's your decision. But not only yours it's your band. So when things go wrong on my end it is what it is. But i shouldn't have to fight this hard....Ross I am trying"
"Baby I know & I know it me that keeps failing you . I hate that."
"Ross don't say what I think you are going to say."
"........."
"Ross...."
"Ross"
We just stayed silent & I started to cry.
"Did you do this on purpose.,? If you want to leave just say so! What are you waiting for? hmm? Leave then" I said getting very upset. I stood up and bolted upstairs to my room to grab anything that Ross gave to me. I found this random plastic bag & just threw it all in there. Once I turned around Ross was entering the room coming right up to me and kissed me. I instantly went so weak.
"I love you. & I hate that that I fail you Everytime. Sometimes I think to myself that I don't deserve someone that is so understanding like you. I'm sorry"
"Why can't you see that I try?"
"You have been perfect it's me that keeps failing"
"Keep failing until you get it right.....you owe it to yourself and me" I said
"I promise i will"
Feeling so low like this hurts. This is the first time I have ever been so close to losing Ross. I don't know how I'm going to get us back but I will someway somehow.
