Hearts Between The Pages (Heartwreck #1)

Chapter 26

Trigger warning: The sensitive topic that this chapter is going to tackle might cause others to trigger the painful memories they have buried a long time ago. Or maybe it is currently happening to you. So evaluate yourself, skip this chapter if you don't have the strength yet. It's alright.

Chapter 26

In Spite All, He Breathes

Unexplained infertility.

That's what the OB told us. She said that my condition is what they called unexplained infertility. I didn't know how to react about that. I don't even know which was more frustrating. The part that I can't bear a child or the part where not even these experts could explain the underlying cause as to why I can't get pregnant.

I was the one who has a defect and yet they're telling me that they do not have the explanation for it?

Although Archean insists that he might be the one who has defects between the two of us through this unexplained infertility, I highly doubt that.

Archean was healthy. He underwent various tests— sperm and semen analysis, physical exam, hormone evaluation... the results were all good and normal.

I am really convinced that it was me who has the defect. Maybe it was because I have a problem with my uterus or in my fallopian tube that weren't identifiable through the normal fertility testing— Archon said that might be the explanation as to why we fall to the category of unexplained infertility. He's smart, he's in medschool, he's making a point.

Or maybe it's because I've experienced being underweight for years. That was one of the factors why some women can't get pregnant. I was so desperate to be in the modelling industry that I begin to starve myself in order for me to be skinny.

Hindi ko na alam.

I just... I don't know what to do anymore.

They said that this condition could correct itself in time, but dammit it's been four years! Four fucking years of trying to conceive and all I get was unsuccessful procedures and multiple miscarriages.

We tried IVF the second year of our marriage. Two times. Both were unsuccessful. Hindi naman nagkulang ng mga paalala at eksplanasyon ang mga doktor. They would explain the possible reasons why the IVF is unsuccessful as they suggest another procedure that we might try aside from IVF.

But when you're at the moment of your darkest days, the voices of the people around you were so hard to understand because all you could hear are the voices inside your head, screaming at how useless and incapable you are. I just want to have my own family. Was that too much to ask?

When they broke the news about my condition the first thing that came out of my mind was Archean.

This can't be. Archean was so good with kids.

I saw my husband take care my niece and Chino's daughter. I watched him play with them and hold them and I dreamed of seeing him someday, holding our own child in his arms.

I dreamed of seeing him smile the sweetest smile as he looks down on our child as he hums him some stolen lullabies. I dreamed of seeing him wipe the tears of our child when she accidentally trips on the grass while playing in our garden.

I want a child to call ours. Mine and his.

I've always been hopeful for the past years but now... as days pass by, the hope that I am holding against my palm is slowly slipping away, inch by inch.

And I just hate it... I hate it when people uses pregnancy as one of their pranks like it's an interesting content for other people to laugh at.

It's not. There are other women out there— me included— who are suffering from infertility. Pregnancy isn't a prank. It's a miracle for some women that have the same condition as mine.