i wrote what i could, and i hope i write the next chapter soon. thoughts???
35. Horror
It hurts how endings in real life come so suddenly, without a hint, without any fair warning. They are always too sudden to make any sense out of them.
It's like you are in the middle of something and the next minute you are left to understand a whole new reality and everything of past is all a very long time ago. It makes you a different person in a second and there's no going back, ever.
Kaya hadn't come in terms with what she was upto. Her mind had not settled. She could not believe that a few hours ago she was living one of the most random days she would ever have in her life, that she was in a lecture of her favorite professor, very diligently trying to understand the basics of crisis management with Aryan sitting across her, on the couch, reading on his Macbook when her mother called.
It still felt like a nightmare, the most dreary one but perhaps she knew it was not, at least not the most dreary because it was just the beginning of everything it started for; because even in that very second she just knew that a lot was yet to come, a lot.
She couldn't fathom her mother called, she still couldn't fathom that she was going to be meeting her in a few minutes, but most importantly she couldn't fathom how everything panned out.
She felt compelled to look back and check if Aryan was following her every second, to see if Aryan had sent someone to keep an eye over her, to observe her moves and give him details of everything she did.
On one hand she felt so stupid to have broke down right in front of Aryan. She felt so silly to have let Aryan know that she was meeting her mother. She felt so scared for making him so suspicious of her that she was glad that he already had plans to leave for Kanpur but on the other side, she wished if she could just stay there with Aryan, if she could skip meeting Mumma no matter the truth and regardless of its need, if she could just avoid the reality for some more time.
Kaya had no clue if anyone could ever understand what she was feeling. If she could ever explain to anyone how nervous and anxious and hollow and awkward she felt while going to meet her mother.
How it was no feeling of love and niceness?? How it was all about the miseries, the care she never received, the trauma and loss???
Kaya stepped out of the car and her mind flooded with memories looking at the apartment she had spent her childhood and last days with family but couldn't categorize those memories into good or bad.
Kaya could imagine herself and her friends in place of the children playing with the marbles, Kaya could remember herself fighting with some aunty and creating a scene by telling her that she was not wearing lip-gloss to impress her husband early in the morning near the pool because she'd called her out for wearing color on her lips to school. Kaya could count all the places she hid at during hide & seek, and Kaya could trace all bits of her path that she followed in the garden with her ipods in order to watch and flirt with her crush who played badminton at night. She remembered the spot where her father parked their car on the weekends, near the exit so that she along with her sister and mother could easily hop and rush to the pani-puri stall.
Kaya never thought that her mind was still full & fresh w/ memories. She believed that her mind had shut the things of past, the people she loved but had to leave behind, but no, it was false, a lie she had been telling herself. Kaya's mind was engraved with stories she did not want to remember, stories of her friends, and family, stories of the places she visited, stories of things she did. Kaya's heart still carried the same pain of all the unrequited love she had met in her life, the everlasting sorrow of feeling uncared for, and the grief that loss of everything brought to her even after an year and more.
