1944 [n.h]

chapter nine

*Niall's pov*

I was well aware I messed it up. What else was I supposed to do though? I shouldn't have kissed like I had and I shouldn't have then ran away like I did.

I should have stayed with Lilly and spoken to her mother, I should have protected her and held her tightly, but I acted like a coward and I fled. She was so important to me, and I was constantly messing up, constantly taking a step forward and then ten steps back.

I didn't know why I didn't come back for her, I promised I would and a few times, I did. I'd go to the bakery and then just freeze, find myself standing outside looking in, watching her work and chat and smile. After three or four days, I had left it too late, so it became even harder for me to even try to go and see her.

Every time I imagined walking in to the bakery, I couldn't think about what she'd say. I couldn't imagine her being happy, or kissing me. I pictured shouting and tears. And that was the one thing I didn't want.

But here I was, and God, I was shaking like I'd been trapped in the ice box for the last year and a half. This stupid pub. She hated this pub. I was stupid.

"You definitely asked her?" I asked, leaning over a bunch of the guys from base until I could see Ruth as she rolled her eyes and nodded. I shouldn't have let Robert bring so many people. Ruth was the only other girl here and there was about six men from our base camp. I don't know why I let him bring them, I look like a child sitting amongst them all, squashed and sandwiched between muscle and hair gel.

Lilly was going to go mental when she saw me, this is where we had our last fight and I don't know why I thought it had been a smart idea to suggest to Ruth to pull all this together. Lilly was going to feel cornered and I was going to feel awful. This was a terrible idea.

I looked like a twelve year old. Squashed up amongst these men. This was humiliating, I couldn't even move my hands from out of my lap. I was so much smaller than everyone else, I was pathetic, I must have looked pathetic, squished and shrunk between a heap of muscles.

But then she walked in. Her fingers were knitted together tightly in nervousness. She was so beautiful, god she was something else.

I wanted to get up and I wanted to hold her. She looked innocent, she looked vulnerable, and I wanted to look after her.

My nerves and lack of self-confidence melted as I watched her. Even whilst she was on the other side of the crowded room, she could still calm me down and set me in a trance. I'd fallen hard and fast and I don't think there was anything I could do to stop from falling further.

She walked in and looked around innocently, as if she was a lost puppy, but then she saw me. And once she saw me, it all went downhill. A scowl took over her soft face and she stormed towards our table, a couple of the men straightening their backs slightly as I glared at them. What did they think they were looking at?

"What is he doing here?" She hissed, crouching down in front of Ruth, her face red and her eyes wide as he fist clenched around the edge of the table, clearly not bothering whether I heard or not as I sat up, watching her argue with Ruth.

I tried my best to stay silent, but the pint of beer in my hand was shaking, lapping over the sides and on to the warped wooden table. I could hear every word she was saying, she was furious.

Her words were cutting through me and every word was stinging me. I knew I deserved every single damn word that escaped her lips, but to hear her, more so than anyone else, say these things about me, killed me.

"You didn't tell me he was coming!" "You said it was just you and some friends" "I don't want to see him" "I hate him" were all phrases I picked up. Painful words that were targeted straight at me as the guys around me watched her. I knew they thought she was beautiful. I hated that they thought she was beautiful.