1944 [n.h]

chapter ten

Him.

He played over and over again in my head.

I had a million other things happening, having to cope and care for my grieving mother and brothers as well as a bakery but all I could care about was Niall and Niall and Niall.

My heart still ached every single time my father crossed my mind, I couldn't believe he had disappeared, just like that. Many people have brushed it off, saying that because I hadn't seen him in months, his death didn't really make a difference.

But they were completely wrong.

At least before, he was walking on the same earth as me, now he was completely and utterly gone, and the fact that I'd never see him again made me feel ill. I wanted my father back more than anything in the world. But some wishes couldn't be granted.

Niall would come in to the bakery now, every single day, well aware of the fact I couldn't speak to him until I finished working. So he'd just sit, right on the table in the corner, next to the potted daffodils and the window. And he'd watch me, work, talk, and laugh. He studied me and when I caught him, his whole face would light up and it was a beautiful sight.

I couldn't believe it sometimes. The fact that he was actually here, and whenever he could, he would kiss me, and I would melt a thousand odd times.

Being with Niall felt so immensely special, we'd become friends so fast, and then transitioned to dopey loved up teenagers and I couldn't have been more content with the whole ordeal. I felt safe in his arms and comfy in his arms and when he holds me, I feel more protected than I have with anyone else in my entire life.

He'd speak to my mother, he helped her with memorial plans and helped my brother with his writing and reading. I couldn't believe my luck.

He was stepping up when we needed him most, when I needed him most. He spent all of his free days and hours here, even if it wasn't spent with me. Seeing him helping Henry made my heart swell. It filled me with so much love and adoration, it hurt.

Today was especially teasing on my behalf. Niall had the weekend off from training, dismissed from duty and was allowed to wear his own clothes, something which was a rare occasion. He wore a battered flat cap that caused his hair to stick out in tufts on the sides and his shirt with odd material patched on the elbows too. On top of that he wore a battered down plaid jacket with heavy leather pockets. Every single aspect of him made me want to abandon all of my duties and just lay with him and stare at him, tracing patterns on his neck and kissing him and just fall in love and talk about the world. I could talk to him forever.

But on top of the happiness, there was a looming darkness, hovering over my shoulders that would drag me back down whenever I smiled.

I hadn't seen my father in a year, the same as my brother so most just presumed that the death was just like an addition, I wouldn't have noticed the difference because I hadn't seen him anyway. It was as if he'd already been dead for a year.

But that wasn't it. Before, at least I had the comfort of knowing he was out there, somewhere. He was walking on the same earth and looking up at the same sun, stars, moon. He was out there and so was I. And now, he just isn't. He's disappeared off the face of the earth and I knew, deep down accompanied by an ache in my gut that was never going to see him again.

And it was a completely different feeling.

Somehow, it felt like Niall was the only other person who understood that. He'd lost his brother and lived to tell the tale, so much so that he joined the military himself.

And Niall could tell when this sudden realisation hit me, I could be doing anything, walking, talking or baking and then my face would pale. Nobody else would notice, but Niall was able to pick up on it immediately and he'd rush to my side and hold me until the feeling passed. He knew how to take care of me and knew how to calm me down.