1944 [n.h]

chapter nineteen

*Nialls pov*

On the 8th of May, 1945, the war ended. I was shipped home to Ireland on a boat, which had originally been packed tight like sardines, but was now sparse and silent. I left London last year with three best friends and a true love. Today, I returned home with nothing. Robert lay amongst a field of burning red poppies, his bones as shattered as his heart was when he received Ruth's final letter bidding him goodbye with her news of her engagement.

So I returned to Ireland and was welcomed with hugs and kisses of relief from my family. But still, thoughts of Lilly danced through my mind, as they had been since the day I left. She was out there somewhere and she was without me.

I'd been home a month, and had never felt so lonely. I thought I had hit the pit of loneliness the day I got on the train and watched Lilly shrink until she could no longer be seen, or the night I saw Robert, his body thrown across the battlefield before falling still and bloody or perhaps even the day I came home, with not a penny or friend to my name.

But this, this was the very bottom and most terrifying point of loneliness. I was stuck. This was my home, and had been all my life, but I felt suffocated, I felt like I was drowning, alone in the middle of a deep and dark sea. I had no money and no means of transport, and therefore, I was stuck. Here.

I worked, day in and day out, for a farthing, a penny, a shilling, anything that I could save to get on that boat at the harbour and sail to England.

I didn't know what I'd do once I got there, how I'd earn a living, where I'd live or how I would even find Lilly. But I was determined to do it. I had a speech, long and painful memorised in my head, having planned it a million times in my mind every single night. I know exactly what I'll say to her and I know it will end with me pulling her in to my arms and begging her to stay with me until the day I die. Because I want nothing more.

I needed Lilly with me and I vowed to not stop until I got to her and I held her in my arms. I vowed that once I got her back, I would never let her go.

"Niall you never ate your tea?" My mother frowned, walking in to the sitting room where I sat with my father, an out of tune radio playing quietly as I looked up from my lap and sighed.

"I just can't eat ma', not tonight." I murmured and sighed. I couldn't eat, I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was suffocating, every single day that I was not with her. Do you know what suffocating constantly feels like? Death. It feels like you're already dead, which is what I felt without Lilly.

*Lillys pov*

I'd only ever experience love once in my life. And what I had with Nathan, despite how sweet and caring he was, wasn't it.

It was with a boy whose, despite my hundreds and thousands of attempts to forget, smile is engraved in my mind with a work of art, whose eyes light my way through the dark and cold night, whose voice, and whose perfect laugh ring through my ears like church bells or sweet, sweet music.

My lie to the world was that I forgot. My lie to the world is that I don't remember. I recall every single detail of that boy. I can plan out every freckle and every damned dimple and laughter line.

I remembered, I remembered every single day and it broke my heart that he wasn't here. It shattered my soul to know that the war ended four months ago and I had not received a letter, I had not heard a thing. Niall could be dead or alive and I wouldn't know the difference. He may as well have been dead, my hope was fading with every passing day.

"Lilly? Lilly you aren't listening, again." Nathan muttered with an annoyed tone to his voice as I looked up from my lap and studied the people in the room. It was only my brother, Nathan and I, but still somehow, the humiliation coursed through my veins as thick as my own blood.

Nathan was sweet and he was gentle, but he was not mine, he could be harsh and would often quip his words. When he touched me I felt nothing but another body pressed against my own. I felt skin and bones but I could not feel love, I couldn't feel the warmth and physical joy radiating off of Nathan like it did Niall.

"Maybe I'm not listening because I'm not interested." I said through gritted teeth to Nathan. I knew that any day he was planning on making me his wife and I wasn't going to allow it. Everybody, the whole village had 'us' planned, Nathan and Lilly, their pride and joy.

Nathan may have been the towns pride and joy paired with me, but he wasn't mine. I didn't love him, and I craved love and affection and happiness. What I didn't crave, was this life that had me imprisoned. I longed to be free.

"Lilly." My brother hissed as I stood up, slamming my book down on to the couch and glaring angrily at my brother.

"Am I not allowed to stand up for myself?" I asked, anger flooding through me as Archie began to nibble nervously on his bottom lip. "Because I don't think I can stand one more day of pretending to be in love with you Nathan, I can't bare this anymore." I squeaked helplessly, tears brimming in my eyes for the first time since Niall left.

"You told me you'd gotten over him." Nathan said quietly, instantly recognising why I was like this, why I hadn't opened up my heart to love.

"Well I guess there's some people Nathan, you just aren't supposed to get over." I whispered and walked out of my living room as Nathan caught up with me and grabbed my arm.

"What are you saying?" He asked seriously as I stared at him before laughing. I couldn't cope with the seriousness right now, I needed to laugh.

"I'm saying I'm in love with Niall, wherever he is, and that means that you and I can't be together." I sighed and ran my fingers through my messy hair.

"You'll regret leaving me." He threatened as I laughed and nodded.

"I probably will, that doesn't change anything though." I said and shook my head. "Goodbye Nathan." I stated and turned away from him, walking downstairs and past my mother and her friends in the bakery and out on to the streets.

For the first time in a year, I felt free. The constant ache in my chest that longed for Niall seemed somewhat dull at this moment, as if, although I needed Niall, I needed this freedom more. I needed to be relieved.

And so for the first time, in far too long, I felt the sun soak my skin, I felt the gravel beneath my feet and I felt the breeze sweep through me. I felt alive. I could see the colours, the brilliant blue of the bright sky and the ivy green of the towering trees. I could feel, I could see. For the first time, the birds' songs didn't sound empty or soulless, but, oh my god, they sounded beautiful, they sounds full and happy and so, so beautiful.

But then suddenly, yanking my chest by its strings, I saw a ghost. All the air was sucked from around me and my lungs set ablaze. my insides started to scream, a chorus of terrified yells from the demons and angels inside of me. I couldn't breathe. I was stuck staring at a ghost.

A ghost stood in front of me, his eyes burning a hole in to my soul.

He was back.