1944 [n.h]

chapter eighteen

The following months leading up to my 18th birthday were spent silently and solemnly.

Eleven long and awful months had passed since I said goodbye to Niall and not once had I received a letter or anything to let me know he was thinking of me, or safe, or even alive. Niall could be back home in Ireland at this very moment, happy and healthy with a girl on his arm, and I was stuck back here.

The fact I hadn't heard from Niall, terrified me on a day to day basis. I had gone from spending every waking minute with Niall to being cut off completely and I couldn't cope, I didn't cope.

Two or three months after Niall left, my brother and his commanding troops returned home, along with Nathan, who was now twenty one and differed something immensely from the scrawny eighteen year old he was when he left. Nathan was everything I should have looked for in a man, he was strong, protective and kind, but every time I looked at him, I saw Niall. And thus I was stuck in a never-ending cycle of being haunted by Niall's ghost.

I buried myself in to working at the bakery, now the village was almost back to its normal capacity, the bakery was almost constantly busy, and therefore I was constantly working.

Since Robert, Ruth had now been with two other men, the second proposed and she is now engaged. It seems that the whole idea of loving a soldier was just a fantasy experience for her, not an idea of reality. I felt bad for Robert, wherever he was right now. There was something more for Robert in his relationship with Ruth, I think he saw it as something much more than just a 'fling'.

I couldn't believe Ruth had moved on so swiftly. She'd spent longer with Robert than I had with Niall, and yet she didn't even seem bothered. She broke it off with Robert through a letter. A letter. I know she was my best friend, but the entire ordeal was disgusting and thoughtless. I was still angry at her, she was careless and messed with other people's feelings.

"Lilly you're dragging" Archie groaned as we walked through the vast and what seemed like endless field, Henry running up ahead, playing in the long grass. Ruth and her fiancée were walking in front of my brother and my brother was walking alongside Nathan who stopped and whacked Archie across the arm when he yelled at me.

"You've left her to carry everything." Nathan scolded and turned to me, flashing an angelic smile. Before I could return the grin, Nathan was beside me, offloading the picnic bags from my hands and carrying them himself, slowing down a bit as we started to fade away from the others.

"How's your mother been?" Nathan asked after an extremely elongated silence that was failing to sit comfortably with either of us. We walked alongside a trickling stream that was painted red with the autumn leaves that had fallen dead from the trees. Autumn was well and truly amongst us, summer had died, and I felt that by letting summer go, I had let Niall go too.

"Burying herself in work like usual." I laughed faintly; my mind now occupied with thoughts of Niall and how soft his hands were and how beautiful my one night with him had been. This is what happened. I'd be fine, living my life like I used to, going about my daily chores and then I would see, or hear one thing and bam, he was haunting me once again, his hands brushing past spots they used to like a ghost. I was continuously being reminded of his presence, or rather, his absence.

"Lilly?" I was pulled like a hurricane back to reality as Nathan called me and I shook my head in an attempt to rid myself of the thoughts of Niall. "Did you hear me?" He chuckled light-heartedly as my cheeks flushed and I shook my head. "Don't worry, wasn't important." He laughed again as we continued walking. Nathan's laugh wasn't like Niall's.

We walked behind the rest of them for far too long, our feet dragging lazily over the dry grass. Nathan was kind, and he spoke to me like Niall used to, although, there seemed something that was held back, something he was retaining.