1944 [n.h]

chapter seventeen

I waited for an hour. Two hours. I waited endlessly for him to come back out. But he didn't.

I held Henrys hand tighter than a two year old clinging to their mother. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. Robert had been pulled away from Ruth and she was now sitting in heaps of tears at the foot of a tree which Henry was desperately trying to go and sit by. I eventually let him go and continued to stare at the fence. Soldier after soldier walked out in a clean, new uniform, lining up and getting in the trucks that had originally brought them in to this town. And then I saw Niall. The green uniform tightly bracing his body that only last night I was exploring for the first, and what now seems like the last time.

His name escaped my mouth in a broken scream as I bolted forward, crashing my body against the thick fence. By all the luck in the world, he heard me. Niall's head whipped around to the sound of my voice before his body flew to the fence, and collapsed against it much like mine had only moments before.

I could feel his body against mine but we were cut apart by the fence, almost as if it were laughing in my face. I was so close to him, yet I was so far away I wanted to cry.

"Lilly, Lilly beautiful Lilly." His words were rushed and terrified as I pressed my hand against the fence and he copied, our hands somehow pressed together but separated. "I'll be back. I promise you, I will be back." He stressed as my chest finally crashed and tears flooded my face and a whimper escaped Nialls quivering lips.

"Niall..." My voice was nothing more than a baby's cry, desperate for Niall to hold me as he shook my head, mentally begging me not to cry.

I don't think I could cope with losing him. Who was I kidding? I wouldn't cope, without a doubt. I needed Niall with me, he couldn't leave me, there had to be something we could do, something he could do. Niall had to stay with me, Niall had to stay here and he had to love me. Leaving wasn't an option. I couldn't survive with the idea of him leaving without any reassurance of him actually returning.

"Please don't, don't you cry." He begged weakly, his scrawny hand struggling to fit through the holes in the fence and wipe my tears, catching them with his thumb. I tried my best to savour the little feeling of his thumb against my skin because somehow, I didn't think id get to experience it ever again.

"P-Please don't leave me" I begged as if he were the one in charge, as if he could simply nod and leave with me. I knew there was nothing he could do, he wasn't in charge. He had no choice in what he did. His entire life was controlled by those higher up than him. Niall didn't know he'd meet me when he initially signed up for the army.

And I suppose, in a way, him signing up for the army was a blessing and a curse, because if he hadn't, then I would never have met him, and I wouldn't be the person who I am today.

But clearly, love comes at a deadly price.

A price I wasn't sure I wanted to pay.

"They're taking us to the train station, go there with Ruth and you can wave us off." He murmured, someone noticing him out of line and starting to call his name as my tears fell even harder. "I love you." He whispered before being dragged away and forced in to one of the trucks. I attempted to pull myself together as I turned back to Ruth, grabbing her and Henrys hands and pulling them to the train station. My feet developing a mind of their own, running endlessly until the three of us stumbled on to the platform amidst a sea of soldiers.

Once again, I screamed Niall's name until I saw him, Ruth and henry running to Robert as I watched Niall push through the crowd until he was standing in front of me breathless.

"I'll come back for you." He murmured, his hand cupping my cheek as I sobbed and cried for him, hugging his chest and shaking my head. This was too much, now he was holding me, I don't think I could bear to have him let me go. I couldn't let him let me go.

"Y-You've said t-that before." I cried as he nodded, his thumb lifting my chin up to look at him as his other fingers brushed the damp hair off of my wet face. I tried to savour the feeling of his fingers and gentleness against my skin, I didn't know when I'd experience it again. But it was so hard to concentrate on anything when my mind was screaming and crying for Niall.

"And I meant it, and I mean it now as well." He promised. I didn't know how he was being so calm. He was the one leaving to fight, and he hadn't even shed a tear. The platform was emptying much quicker than I hoped it would as men boarded the trains and Niall leant down, kissing me deeply and passionately.

"I love you Lilly." He murmured against the kiss as I nodded in fits of tears and said the words back. The three words slipped out of my mouth like a plea to stay as he whimpered and kissed me one last time, his hands cupping my cheeks tightly.

And then he was gone.

Niall disappeared on to the train and left me standing on an empty platform, taking my heart and soul with him as Ruth and Henry nervously stood behind me. I don't know how long I stood there for. I remember watching the train pull away, along with the cries of men and loss of hope, and I remember Ruth whispering in my ear that she'd take Henry home for me. But that's all I remember. I can't remember the point at which the sun set and left me in the dark, maybe because I was already in the dark the moment Niall left.

Either way, I'd been standing here for far too long. I think I was waiting for Niall to come back, as though he would. He was probably on a boat right now looking up at the same sky that was currently enveloping me.

I felt like I was drowning, as if I was cast in the middle of a deep deadly ocean, surrounded by nothing but heavy choking water, and no matter how much I cried out, nobody would rescue me. I was drowning. I couldn't breathe.

I eventually dragged myself home, my feet heavy and tired beneath me as I walked down streets I've known all my life. Somehow, tonight, all these streets seemed unfamiliar and lonely, dark and dingy and not at all like home. Niall, was my home. And he was gone.

I got in to a dark and silent house, one lamp was on in the corner of the room, dimly lighting the living room as my mother sat on the couch, a quilted blanket draped over her. She looked up at me as I entered the house and didn't say a word, but instead, held out her arms and cocked her head, telling me to come to her as I obliged.

I walked forward and collapsed in to my mother's arms like a child as she rubbed my hair and kissed my forehead.

"So he left?" She whispered as a painful whimper escaped my lips along with a nod. She knew what I was going through, she'd gone through it all and more.

"I'm not going to see him again." My voice was nothing more than a squeak. My mother never answered or said anything, she just held me and stroked my hair. I don't think I got to sleep that night, or any of the following nights.

I couldn't even begin to fathom up an idea of how I would cope without having Niall by myside every waking hour. I'd grown accustom to everything Niall, I'd fallen deeply in love with everything Niall, he was my own personal brand of heroin and now I had been cut off, completely left in the dark without so much of a gram of him.

I wouldn't survive. I couldn't survive. The idea of being without him sent harsh and shaking shivers down my spine.

...

For months, nightmares rigged my sleep and left me screaming and crying. Two months without Niall and I was still waking up at the deathly hours of the morning with tears rolling down my cheeks and my red fists clenching my bedsheets, visions of Niall still lingering painfully in my brain. He haunted my every waking and sleeping thought. There was no escape from him.

I was on my own, left out in the dark, in the cold, in the rain. Niall was my home, and now he was gone and I was homeless, I was on the streets without him. I had not a soul to run to when I was scared. I didn't have Niall anymore and I didn't know if I ever would.

Niall was gone and I was alone.