Submissive Desires

Seventeen

Over a month or so, the relationship grew. I found having it be mostly online was very hard, and yet I felt real trepidation when Stefan announced he would visit. But as infuriating as he sometimes was, the affection grew, without me even understanding how.

Once he brought Andrei along unexpectedly, which threw Sy into a panic because she had three tests that week, a paper due and was already having trouble focusing. Andrei did it right, from what I could see – he grabbed her, screwed her and denied her and screwed her and denied her and then forced her to come about four times in a row. Then he kissed her nose and told her in no uncertain terms to get her ass in gear on the school work. Afterwards, he went out and bought her an extra monitor for her laptop. It worked; she buckled down.

Andrei spent the rest of the trip practicing English, with both me and with random people on campus. Usually girls, I noticed. They were always happy to stop whatever they were doing and help the dark eyed, muscular foreigner. It made me feel better – if only a very little bit better – about the way I'd fallen for Stefan.

I also picked up some Romanian. By tacit agreement, conversations in the apartment were in English, mostly so Andrei could correct his language misunderstandings. They all delighted in teaching me a little Romanian, mainly the dirty stuff. It became natural to moan vă rog – please – when Stefan had me strapped down in my bed. (I just wrote that without blushing. Then I blushed because I hadn't blushed. This is a complicated relationship.)

So it was all going very well... until I made a mistake. A very bad one.

I can't say I was in any way unhappy with Stefan. He was merciless and affectionate, demanding and funny, and I'd come to understand I needed all those things. But he was so intense. He knew answers to questions I hadn't thought to ask; he could read my body with a glance. It wasn't because he had such deep insight into me; it was because he understood females in general, and most of the time I am a very typical female, because most of the time, most females are. His insight and power was calming... but also a little stifling.

I knew why he was so firm. Part of it was because that was simply his nature, and more of it was because he was managing a brand new baby submissive in a long distance relationship, and that is not easy. His emotional strength and unflinchingly firm dictates beat on me like a tropical sun, because I needed that. But there was something... I didn't know. Not wrongness, but a missing piece of rightness.

Sy always seemed so happy. I knew that she'd had more time than I did to adjust to her chosen role, and that she and Andrei were deeply in love, while Stefan and I were still stumbling towards emotional intimacy. But the idea formed in me that somehow, either Stefan or I was at fault for my vague disquiet. And once the thought formed that it might be my fault, I couldn't shake it.

I know – now – that what I should have done was gone straight to Stefan and tell him of my worries. And I knew it then, but... I didn't want to trouble him. This was the most intoxicating and wild relationship I'd ever known, and I was convinced that if he thought I was unhappy, he'd find someone else.

He fucked me mercilessly, but he hadn't used the L word yet, and neither had I. I guess I felt insecure, even though he rarely gave me a moment's peace. Somehow all that focused attention got taken as a sign that I needed to be watched, not that he desired my company.

Bottom line – I got confused and fucked up.

Somehow I decided that if I could observe Sy and Andrei together, I would gain more insight into how I should act, and what I should expect.

I know. I know. What Andrei expected of Sy had nothing to do with what Stefan expected of me. On top of that, as an engaged couple they just fell into a very different rhythm of experience than we did. Spying on their time together was simply stupid. Sy and Andrei were such a story book pair; Sy so sweet and perfect and happy (... and gorgeous and engaged) and Andrei so hot and loving and ruthless and focused (... and rich and engaged.) There was no better pair to learn from.