Submissive Desires

Eighteen

Sy stayed on her hands and knees. She hadn't been told she could get up. The welt was already forming.

"Sy, why? Why did you say that?"

"He was about to dump you, I think. And I think I know why you were watching. It wasn't for the sex, was it."

Her voice was unsteady. I could hear her heart breaking.

"No," I whispered, between sobs.

"You made a terrible mistake. Romania has had bad history with secret police and spying. But even without that, you were blatantly disobedient. I don't know what comes of this. You may have lost him, but maybe not. They will talk, and Andrei might understand even if Stefan doesn't. Your ass, let me look."

I shifted, and she pursed her lips. "That will certainly bruise. But in a way that's good. His anger went into that. A male in authority should never hit in anger, and he will be sorry he lost his legendary control, and it will make him think. Classy you cannot learn of submission by watching. It's something two people work out, it's not taught. I won't lecture you, this is the worst day of your life. I'd hug you if I dared get up, but I cannot. Andrei knows I lied to him and this is a terrible, terrible thing. Worse than what you did by far. I will remember that hurt in his voice to my last day."

I just sobbed. "I can't do this."

"That's how you got into trouble. You thought you were failing and you wanted to learn better, didn't you. Foolish girl, we all think we are failing, even when we are not. That's what it is to be a woman, most days. But if you'd really been failing, Stefan would have spoken. That's what is freeing about it all. We don't have to listen to fears if we have a man to listen to instead. And no man is ever as brutal to a woman as her own fears."

Outside, the men's voices got louder. Stefan's was, angry. Andrei's was declamatory. I was aching in body and mind, terrified of their voices.

"I'll... just leave," I sobbed. "I'll stay away until he's gone. I don't have to put him through a breakup scene, I'll just vanish-"

"Classy... as someone who has come to love you and your silly ways – shut up right now. Leave now and it is truly over. Stay here and you both have time to think about what you really want. Only if you are sure you do not want him, do you leave now."

"I want him so much," I sobbed. "I want him to love me."

"He does. You don't see it? He's just very... Romanian. He won't say it easily but I've seen him smile at you when you walk away. I know that smile. Love does stupid things. Men have no idea, what it is to be a woman in love. And we have to love them anyway, what choice do we ever have?"

The conversation in the other room got quieter. Consensus was forming; I knew the sound of it in any language. Things were being decided.

I was being decided.

"What do I do," I whispered, stricken. "How will I sleep in that bed knowing how much I loved him and how stupid I was."

She had no reply.

A few final words from Stefan, and then... footsteps. I have never felt anything like hearing those footsteps made me feel. I curled on the floor, nerveless, tears silently pouring.

The door opened. Stefan came in, alone.

I crawled to him; I couldn't have stopped myself if I tried. I wrapped my arms around his feet and kissed them and sobbed, brokenly. "I love you. I'm so sorry."

"Now you say this? You had days to say it. You put it off until now? Stop crying on my feet." He stepped back. "Sy, you had better go to Andrei. He's more hurt than angry but you will face a lot of both. Dumnezeu să fie cu tine."