I am here.
What's life? What are feelings? Does anything have meaning?
Obviously.
But then why do I feel so little?
And so much at the same time?
That body is not mine, but it feels like the best choice.
Breath.
Breath.
On your right hand, take the cane and hold yourself straight,
On your other, clench your heart, feel it beat.
Count your breaths,
One, two, three,
Do that again and again until you can't think.
What is anger? Is it the way my mind goes red, and all feels like too much, and I want to hit something and scream.
What is sadness? Is it the way my heart clench, my body feels heavy, and my head is not clear.
What is fear? Is it the way my hands shake until their hurt, the way I can't breath or move, the way the memories come back rushing and nothing is real.
And if it is, then why do I feel that so often?
Breath.
Breath.
Calm down, take a moment, count your heartbeat,
Clench the cane and your head.
Follow the tempo, block everything.
Do that again and again until you can't think.
Look at the sky, at the clouds, and how light shapes their shadows,
Create stories from the stars, and listen to the whispers of the wood,
Follow the flow of water, and watch birds dance and sing at their own melody,
Take a breath, until the chaos of the city start again..
Until all the sounds start again, until the cars appear as monsters from tales,
Until the streets become dirty, and weird, and unsafe, and disgusting,
Until all the smells go wrong, and all the textures mess with my head,
Until people go around, and the air disappear, and why is it so bright here?
Breath.
Breath.
Good god, calm down, stop panicking for nothing,
Keep yourself sane with the cane, hold yourself on earth.
It will be okay, just keep walking, keep everything at bay,
Do that again and again until you can't think.
I am not in control,
Everything is boiling,
I can't breath anymore,
I am fine, what do you mean?
Fine in every way,
If I say yes, would they be happy?
Would they not be mad?
Please don't be mad.
Good god please.
I am scared of not being in control,
But control freaks me out.
Mask it, mask everything.
Smile, say yes, say what will make them happy.
See yourself crumble and don't do anything about it.
It's normal... no?
So I end up saying:
Breath.
Breath.
On your right hand, take the cane and hold yourself straight,
On your other, clench your heart, feel it beat.
Count your breaths,
One, two, three,
Do that again and again, until you can't think.
