Indie and Sawyer's Lockdown Blues

Day 5

INDIE

I see why he told me to keep it unlocked.

He doesn't get any more stupid than this.

I heard the thump shortly after midnight and I get up to see Sawyer slumped off the side of the couch.

I choose to ignore him as I shut my door but I can't ignore the whimper.

God why am I so soft.

I go to living room and sit down as I listen to
him for a second.

"So... lonely. I miss you... dad." Oh. He misses his father.

His dad was a great person who looked after Sawyer, Joey, Marcus and Lia all by himself after his mother passed when Sawyer and I were 5, she was a great person who acted like a mom to me more than my actual mother. She took care of Sawyer and his siblings along with their dad and they were an amazing family. Marcus is the oldest at 26, Joey is 24, Sawyer is 19 like me and Lia is 18.

"Lia... Joey... Marcus..." He really misses them. I felt a little bit bad. He must've thought I was ungrateful by 'ignoring' my siblings.

I go over to him and help him up as I lead him
to his room so he can get some proper sleep. I help him onto his massive bed and pull the duvet and blanket over him.

I knew he got cold easily.

As I stand up to leave, I can't notice how spotless his room is. Compared to my room, his room was perfection.

He never really acknowledged the mess in my room, probably because he didn't notice it. I was grateful.

I go over to his desk to turn off his lamp when I see a photo that looks familiar.

I liked this one.

It's my parents and his dad in the back and all of us in the front of them.

I scan the photo but stop short when I realise I'm not in it.

I look around for any other photos to see if there are any in which I'm meant to be in them and there are.

There's one at my 10th birthday party with my siblings. I'm not in it.

One at our elementary graduation and I'm not in it.

There's one where it's all of us at our first day of middle school and I'm not there.

There's no use in looking at this anymore, I shouldn't even be in his room.

I put his photos back neatly and leave his room, shutting his door quietly before making my way back to my room.

I can't help my anger as I get my photo album and get a red sharpie, scratching my face out in every single picture that I'm in.

I grab the gin and drink it straight and god does it burn but I don't care.

They photoshopped me out of pictures.

That's how much they wanted me gone from their family. I go to my draws and rip out all of the stuff from them as I haul the soft clothes at the wall as to not make noise.

I didn't want to disturb him. I know he gets horrible hangovers.

I shove all the clothes that make me look nice in the bin.

I rip the stuff off my bed and lie on the bare mattress.

The tears pooled in my eyes as I cried silently against the mattress.

Why was I put with a family that hates me so much. They could have him as their child for all I care.

I can't help myself as I go back into his room and swipe the photo that I saw at first.

I just wanted it to look at it.

I get my sketchbook out as I turn to a new page and sketch out everything that is there before I start drawing myself, on the edge this time.

I try over and over again to perfect the picture but I can't with me in it. 

Clearly I just wasn't meant to be in it.

I throw the sketchbook against the wall as I hold the picture against my chest as I wrap myself in the duvet and pretend I was there again.

I was happy then.

Sure I was angry but that could've been just mistaken for sass and being a kid.

I get the photo and gently put it in my bedside table.

I look at the wall and smile at Turbo.

"Hey Indie." He says.

"Hey Turbo. I've missed you." I say and his smile becomes wider.

"I know. You tried calling me the other day. You acted as if I were actually gonna answer and you still continued as if I did. I gave some pretty good advice though." He says and we laugh.

"You did. It feels weird knowing that was just me giving myself advise." I say and we laugh.

"I miss you Mon." I say but I feel myself getting sleepy.

"I miss you too." He says and at this point, I know my dreams over.

***

I wake up to some knocks at the door and Sawyer enters.

"Oh my goodness." He says and through an eye I peek at him and he's in shock at the state of my room.

I'd be too.

He seems to be fixated on something and I watch as he picks up my sketchbook but I'm up like lightning.

I'm so lucky I close it.

"Leave my room and don't touch my stuff." I say as I push him out.

I put the sketchbook in a locked draw as I go back to my sleeping spot.

Sawyer enters again.

"I'm sorry but I can't ignore this." I check my clock and it's 4am.

"Sawyer it's 4am, can't it wait?" I say but he starts picking up my sheets and put them back on the bed and then he picks me up in the duvet and puts me on there. I let out a hmmph. "Please Sawyer, there's no point. It will only get messy again." I say and I can tell he's about to leave it when he sees my clothes in the bin.

He goes over to them and pulls out one of Georgia's dresses. I don't even know why I still had that.

It was too small for her and I'm sure that if I didn't keep my calm he'd figure out that it still fit me even after 6 years.

He puts it back and leaves the room and before I can even lock it, I'm back asleep again.