Indie and Sawyer's Lockdown Blues

Day 16

I wake up after midnight.

I forget Sawyer's on the bed for the most part but I'm reminded when he grabs be by the waist and pulls me close to him.

I'm shocked.

I'm trying to pull away. His grip just gets tighter.

"Sawyer, Sawyer." I shake him awake.

"What?" He says.

"Get off me." I say and even he realises and he let's go of me and I move to the other side of the bed and use my blanket.

I feel upset that he even held me.

I know he was asleep but we weren't friends for a reason. He was the one who completely betrayed my trust as someone who was meant to be there for me.

I never should have trusted him in the first place.

I can't do this.

I get up and go to the living room where I sit and stare at the vase filled with roses.

Sawyer comes downstairs and sits on the other sofa.

"Why are you here?" He asks and I just look at him and then away.

I didn't even want to speak to him. I'm just so fed up of him.

He caused me so much pain and so consistently as well and yet somewhere in my heart I still cared about him and that was wrong of me.

"There's no reason for you to ignore me." He says and I can feel my anger rising.

"There are plenty reasons for me to ignore you." I say as I take a deep breath as if not to get myself too angry.

I chew on my knuckle as my mind starts to fill with anxious thoughts from nowhere. Sawyer exacerbates these feelings.

I chew over and over again as my teeth pierces my skin and causes some bleeding but I don't stop.

I can't.

"Ana, what are you doing? Stop!" He says as he comes to where I am and pulls my hand away from me and he wipes the blood with his pyjama top, acting as if he cares about me or something.

I get up and go back to his room as I lay down on his bed and he follows after and he goes to the opposite side of the bed.

I feel my eyes start to moisten as I think about the memories of what Sawyer used to be and how at one point he was actually there for me and it was actually out of a place of concern and not just to help his own guilty conscience.

I remember how he was my first of many.

First hug, first kiss, first relationship, first... he was my first love.

I doubt I was his first love, was I even a love at all?

I clearly didn't mean that much to him.

I hear something that dramatically shifts my attention.

It's a sniffle from Sawyer and when I turn around I can see vaguely him wiping his tears.

"Are you crying?" I ask.

"What... no?!" His voice breaks at the end.

"Why are you crying? Is it your mom again?" I say as I turn to him.

"Yeah. It is. I really miss her." He says as he sits up.

"I know what it's like to lose a parent in more ways than one. I understand what you're going through." I say as I turn away from him as I click my neck to distract myself from the fact that I'm so upset.